At Thanksgiving, Say Their Name
Thursday, November 26, 2020 will be the 31st Thanksgiving I’ve lived through following the death of my 18-month-old daughter Erin in 1990. The 22nd since my wife Trici died in 1999 and the 16th since my 13-year-old son Rory died in 2005.
One thing I know for sure is that I can’t expect anyone to mention the name(s) of the people I love who have died. Believe me, I have learned this the hard way. Expecting someone to say their names only creates disappointment and pain for me. I know now, that there is a good chance that Thanksgiving will come and go with no one saying the name(s) of my beloveds who have died. At least that has been my experience. More than once.
Believe it or not, it’s our job to bring the people we love that have died into the family's Thanksgiving gathering, and sometimes that can be tough to do. At a time when many of us are feeling incredibly vulnerable and fragile, the last thing we want is rejection or indifference. So – I’ve come up with a few concrete ways we can try and let family and friends gathered for the holidays know that it’s okay - in fact, comforting - to talk about our loved ones who have died.
1. You can serve/bring the favorite dish of the person you love who has died to the holiday get-together. Talk about it before you pass the dish around!
2. Bring a favorite picture or two of your beloved. Pass the photo(s) around. Work the picture(s) into the dining table centerpiece. Perhaps you even have a picture of your loved one with each person that will be sitting around the holiday table. Use these pictures as place cards, propping them up against a glass or setting it in the middle of the plate. What a great way to get people talking!
3. Bring a favorite memento of the person you love who died – a book, a poem, a watch, a piece of jewelry, a toy – share it after dinner with all gathered before dessert is served.
4. Have your loved one’s favorite music playing in the background – tell everyone the story!
5. Light a candle. Before the meal is served, as everyone is standing around the table, light a candle. Invite everyone gathered to say the name(s) of the people they love who have died over the years. This is a wonderful way to include everyone's loved ones in your family gathering.
6. Photos of all our loved ones who had died. If you decide to light a candle and invite everyone to say the names of the people they love who have died over the years, consider going a step further. Set up a small table off to the side in the dining room living room or family room. Invite each of your guests to bring a photo of their loved ones who have died to the family gathering. Display all of these photos on this special table.
One of our biggest fears is that the people we love who have died will be forgotten. When no one mentions their name, especially at family-centered events and holidays, the loneliness we already feel can be magnified. Try not to be caught off guard. Think ahead. Be proactive. What can you do to bring the person you love smack in the center of your Thanksgiving gathering? What will you do to make sure people say their name?
You might also like to include this simple candle lighting ceremony in your family gathering. Click here to take a look: A Simple Candle Lighting Ceremony
My books Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Grief and Becoming Radiant: A New Way to Do Life are available at amazon. They make the perfect holiday gifts for YOU and everyone on your list who is learning to live with the death of someone they love. You can find PTM by clicking: Tom's Book.
If my NEW WAY of "doing grief" resonates with you, I'd love to work with you one-on-one. If you are in the Rockford, Illinois area we can do that in person, otherwise, I am having great success coaching people all over the world via Zoom, Skype, FaceTime or Facebook Chat. Email me at tomzuba@aol.com if you would like to take the next step on your grief journey. We can discuss details and schedule a coaching session.
Our precious Oliver died last year on Black Friday so actually we are dreading Thanksgiving more than any other holiday. He was 15 months old and the love of our lives. I am really not sure how we can get through this.
My wonderful dad is the one our family misses so very much. This December it will be three years since the haunting experience of watching him slip away. He was the most wonderful dad who always shared his laughter and a smile for everyone. I learned so much from watching him interact with others with a very kind heart. I am the lucky daughter of Herman Johnsen, a full-blooded Norwegian who shared his extreme pride of our heritage. Holidays were filled with traditions, Norwegian words, food and even a song or two. We spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas in the kitchen together as I would watch him make the turkey gravy to perfection. They were precious father-daughter memories. Words cannot express how much I miss my dad. My two brothers also say it has been the most difficult thing of our lives. He was truly one of the two roots of the laughter, love and happiness of our family. “I am a living legacy to the leader of the band.”
Dad lived his life as a wonderful role model for many. He was kind and generous. He was a 90s-dad decades before we even heard about a 90s-dad. Dad was better than the best dad I could have asked for. He was a very involved family man. He worked full-time plus part-time for the township we lived in. He was always striving to make the world a better place for all. I’m so proud to say that he’s my dad, and I wish I still lived in my hometown to hear people talk about what a special man he was. This is my 2nd Thanksgiving where Dad won’t be physically present, BUT I know he is always with me. He was such a huge part of my life, there is no way I can imagine moving on without him. I’m definitely moving forward with him. He lives on in me, my mom and sister, my boys, and all the people he touched in his lifetime. Dad, I’m so thankful for all that you have done and gave to me.
My Christopher was the finest man ever! A wonderful Christian in that he was good to ALL people everyday in every situation and as often as he could. He treated me like a queen and made me the happiest I’d ever been in my life. Fourteen short months after we started dating, although we had known each other for over 40 years, my darling died of a massive heart attack four block from my home. He had just taken my car to the gas station to fill it up and to the car wash. He was going home to clean up and take me “on an adventure”, he said he’d be back in 37 minutes. Instead, his best friend came to my door.
We only had one of each holiday together. None will ever be the same. I miss you, Christopher and cherish every second that we had together, however short it was. Memories of you make me smile through the tears.
Thanksgiving? I don’t care as long as I get a turkey sandwich from someone’s leftovers. My family is distant geographically and emotionally. I’d rather just have a peaceful day at home with the cat.
My dad was better than the best dad I ever could have asked for. He was such an amazing role model. Dad was so kind and generous to everyone. He was a 90s dad decades before we even knew what a 90s dad was. He was so involved with family life. He was always there for my mom, sister, and me. Dad was always there for everyone. This will be my 2nd Thanksgiving without Dad physically here. He will still be with me though. Dad will always be a huge part of my life.