At Thanksgiving, Say Their Name

Thursday, November 26, 2020 will be the 31st Thanksgiving I’ve lived through following the death of my 18-month-old daughter Erin in 1990.  The 22nd since my wife Trici died in 1999 and the 16th since my 13-year-old son Rory died in 2005.

One thing I know for sure is that I can’t expect anyone to mention the name(s) of the people I love who have died.  Believe me, I have learned this the hard way.  Expecting someone to say their names only creates disappointment and pain for me. I know now, that there is a good chance that Thanksgiving will come and go with no one saying the name(s) of my beloveds who have died.  At least that has been my experience.  More than once.

Believe it or not, it’s our job to bring the people we love that have died into the family's Thanksgiving gathering, and sometimes that can be tough to do.  At a time when many of us are feeling incredibly vulnerable and fragile, the last thing we want is rejection or indifference.  So – I’ve come up with a few concrete ways we can try and let family and friends gathered for the holidays know that it’s okay - in fact, comforting - to talk about our loved ones who have died.

1.    You can serve/bring the favorite dish of the person you love who has died to the holiday get-together.  Talk about it before you pass the dish around!

2.    Bring a favorite picture or two of your beloved.  Pass the photo(s) around.  Work the picture(s) into the dining table centerpiece.  Perhaps you even have a picture of your loved one with each person that will be sitting around the holiday table.  Use these pictures as place cards, propping them up against a glass or setting it in the middle of the plate.  What a great way to get people talking!

3.     Bring a favorite memento of the person you love who died – a book, a poem, a watch, a piece of jewelry, a toy – share it after dinner with all gathered before dessert is served.

4.    Have your loved one’s favorite music playing in the background – tell everyone the story!

5.    Light a candle.  Before the meal is served, as everyone is standing around the table, light a candle. Invite everyone gathered to say the name(s) of the people they love who have died over the years.  This is a wonderful way to include everyone's loved ones in your family gathering. 

6.    Photos of all our loved ones who had died.  If you decide to light a candle and invite everyone to say the names of the people they love who have died over the years, consider going a step further.  Set up a small table off to the side in the dining room living room or family room.  Invite each of your guests to bring a photo of their loved ones who have died to the family gathering.  Display all of these photos on this special table.

One of our biggest fears is that the people we love who have died will be forgotten.  When no one mentions their name, especially at family-centered events and holidays, the loneliness we already feel can be magnified.  Try not to be caught off guard.  Think ahead.  Be proactive.  What can you do to bring the person you love smack in the center of your Thanksgiving gathering?  What will you do to make sure people say their name?

You might also like to include this simple candle lighting ceremony in your family gathering.  Click here to take a look: A Simple Candle Lighting Ceremony 

My books Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Grief and Becoming Radiant: A New Way to Do Life are available at amazon.  They make the perfect holiday gifts for YOU and everyone on your list who is learning to live with the death of someone they love.  You can find PTM by clicking:  Tom's Book.

If my NEW WAY of "doing grief" resonates with you, I'd love to work with you one-on-one. If you are in the Rockford, Illinois area we can do that in person, otherwise, I am having great success coaching people all over the world via Zoom, Skype, FaceTime or Facebook Chat. Email me at tomzuba@aol.com if you would like to take the next step on your grief journey. We can discuss details and schedule a coaching session.

 

30 comments

  • Our daughter Megan was so full of life, artistic, athletic, a writer, played 3 musical instruments, loved animals and had a special relationship working with autistic children. She thought like a scientist yet had a strong faith in God. We were very close, spent a lot of fun times together. She could light up a room with her brilliant smile and sparkling blue eyes. She died tragically at 31 years old, of an accidental overdose. The void without her is still massive after 20 months. This is our second holiday season without our beautiful blue-eyed girl. She and our son, both chefs, would plan the meal and cook all day. I just enjoyed watching them, loving what they did best. Now, I don’t have it in me to do any cooking. Just made a major move to Northern California where the reality of having to make new holiday customs is presenting itself. Extended family is far away now. Will light a candle, pray for faith that God will bring us through this and be grateful for the blessing of having had her in our lives. Thanks for all you do Tom, sharing your story, and making it easier to walk this path. Blessings for a happy holiday.

    Sam
  • This will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mom, Barb. The last time we really saw eachother, was on Labor day at my house. We had such a great weekend together. She died about a month after having a brain aneurysm, so everything was sudden. She was so healthy otherwise. This time of the year was her favorite time. It made her happy to make others happy. She loved to bake for the holidays. I find it very hard to deal with. I’m so angry and sad without her, she was my best friend. I can’t really say how I will get through the holidays, but I do have great family and friends. I could fight through the tears and look at her recipes and start doing the baking that she loved so much.

    Stacie Hudson
  • This will be the first Thanksgiving without my beautiful 20 year old daughter, Megan who we tragically lost 6 months ago in a car accident. We won’t be celebrating the holidays this year as it is to painful without her. I do say her name every day-Many times it brings a smile to my face but I still have days where her name or photos bring me to tears. Megan was so full of life. She had big plans for herself. She loved the hustle and bustle of a big city. She loved fashion,hair and makeup. She was a true friend to all who knew her.She adored all animals. She had the most contagious laugh and what a beautiful smile. I miss her hugs-when Megan hugged you, you felt hugged! She was only a tiny little thing too, but what a hug. I miss our conversations about life in general. I miss seeing her in the kitchen whipping up a great meal which usually included cheese. She loved cheese. I miss finding salt all over the counter or table when she was done eating. I miss her clothes on the bathroom floor and all over her room. I miss hearing the sound of the treadmill in the basement while she was doing her nightly run (in a pair of green crocks instead of gym shoes!). I miss her voice saying “ma” when she called me. I miss her sense of humor and watching movies together. I miss everything about her and always will. Twenty years was way to short to have with her but I am thankful for each and every one of those years. My life will never be the same without her and the love I have for her will be with me for the rest of my life.

    Stacey
  • The first year without Adam I told everyone and I mean everyone in my family they better say his name. I have never skirted around his name nor did I ever discourage anyone from saying Adam. I learned right from the very beginning if you don’t tell people what is okay and what is not, then how will they know. Adam was the first child to ever die in our family and it was a learning experience for us all. My family has continuously thanked me for teaching them what it right and wrong and have also continually asked my advice concerning their friends and loved ones. I believe it is our job to teach those who have not experienced tragedy or death. After all, did you know before it happened to you?

    Barb
  • The memories are ladeled and the memories laden upon the table.

    I might add another ingredient. Change the place that you sit at the table. Set a place for the loss of the individual. Include the stories and perhaps a group photo from the past… Also take a group photo from today to add to the bounty that you do receive, even though receiving it seems thin and perhaps lacking.

    Say the name, Say your names and toss the wishbone into the soup of another year of healing, health and honored happiness.

    It has been 8 years since my loss of 4 members of my family and I often still feel lack, but am understanding that my lack serves no one.. Honor yourself each day as best as you can. Pass the plate of peace and health for you and others. It shall come back around! Blessings Susan W Reynolds www.revivalredesign.com

    susan w reynolds

Leave a comment

Name .
.
Message .

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published