Tom's Blog

Will You Heal?

Posted by Tom Zuba on September 09, 2013 5 Comments
It’s the language we use to describe the death of our loved one that tells the story.

The story of whether or not we will heal.

And our language is deeply rooted in our beliefs.

Our beliefs about death, grief, mourning, resurrection ... and life itself.

Most of us have unconsciously inhaled “our” beliefs, at an early age, without realizing (really) the power they have to create our feelings, emotions and experiences.

We cling to them. We fight for them. We own them. These beliefs are mine!!!

We don’t even realize that there are beliefs that stop us from healing. After someone we love has died. There are beliefs that create pain on top of pain on top of pain. 

Beliefs like:

His life was cut short.

She was taken too soon.

We’ve been robbed of so many wonderful years with him.

I’ll never forgive myself.

I never got to say good-bye. How can I be at peace? I should have been there.

She shouldn’t have suffered that way.

He is gone forever.

1.  You begin to heal when you identify the belief that causes you pain. This is the first step.

2.  The second step is asking yourself if this belief is true. Is it really true? Can I be 100% certain that:

His life was cut short. (What if he lived the perfect number of years, months, weeks, days, minutes, seconds?)

She was taken too soon. (Who took her? If there is a force powerful enough to take her ... why would he/she/it take her too soon?)

We’ve been robbed of so many wonderful years with him. (What if you were given the perfect amount of time to spend with him?)

I’ll never forgive myself. (Why not?)

I never got to say good-bye. How can I be at peace? I should have been there. (Why can’t you say good-bye ~ and then hello, right now?)

She shouldn’t have suffered that way. (Is she suffering now? From the place she is now ... can she even remembering the “suffering” as you call it?)

He is gone forever. (Really?)

3.  The third step is having the courage, and the wisdom and opening to the grace that allows you to release the belief that has been causing you so much pain. The third step is understanding that what you thought was true ... is not. The third step is not easy.

4.  And the fourth step is identifying and holding on to a new belief. A belief that brings you peace instead of pain. Light instead of darkness. Hope instead of despair. 

Life instead of death. 

It’s the language we use to describe the death of our loved one that tells the story.

The story of whether or not we will heal, because our language is so deeply rooted in our beliefs.

If my NEW WAY of "doing grief" resonates with you, I'd love to work with you one-on-one. If you are in the Rockford, Illinois area we can do that in person, otherwise, I am having great success working with people all over the country via Skype or FaceTime.  Email me at tomzuba@aol.com if you would like to take the next step on your grief journey and we can schedule a session.

Comments (5 Comments)

I wish one day to work One on one with you..I havent yet looked at the cost…but maybe 1 day I will be able to..I have accepted my childs death, yet I have other issues with “whatpeople think and why they think that way” love this blog Tom! TTHANKS! and ((hugs))

Posted by Sonya Lynne Bonin on September 11, 2013

I could be in a real tizzy today…Cameron was born on September 9, 1965. Happy birthday, Cam.

Posted by Kc Hutter on September 09, 2013

I could be in a real tizzy today…Cameron was born on September 9, 1965. Happy birthday, Cam.

Posted by Kc Hutter on September 09, 2013

Needed to hear those steps…I was always on the one ‘Cameron died to soon’. He was only 32 years old.

But after reading what you wrote, Tom,how do I know what is the right age for anyone to die? Only God does, because I’ve read in the Bible that the very hairs on our head are numbered and you can not add one day or take away one day from your life by worry.

The bottom line…..it’s all about me…..I miss him. Cameron loved me more than any othr human being. How will I (I) go on without seeing Cameron’s face and hearing his voice everyday. Plus, this is the 4th generation of men talken away from their family….4 generations without a dad in the house????Lord have I sinned like my mother and grandmother? Is that why Cam died? No longer can or will I think that it is all about me!

Posted by Kc Hutter on September 09, 2013

Needed to hear those steps…I was always on the one ‘Cameron died to soon’. He was only 32 years old.

But after reading what you wrote, Tom,how do I know what is the right age for anyone to die? Only God does, because I’ve read in the Bible that the very hairs on our head are numbered and you can not add one day or take away one day from your life by worry.

The bottom line…..it’s all about me…..I miss him. Cameron loved me more than any othr human being. How will I (I) go on without seeing Cameron’s face and hearing his voice everyday. Plus, this is the 4th generation of men talken away from their family….4 generations without a dad in the house????Lord have I sinned like my mother and grandmother? Is that why Cam died? No longer can or will I think that it is all about me!

Posted by Kc Hutter on September 09, 2013

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