Gifts Given and Received
I’m not sure how I would have responded
or what I would have thought
or felt
had someone suggested
that there were gifts
given,
and to be received,
following their deaths.
Not at first.
But now
when life has softened
and I have become more comfortable
in this skin
I can say with such certainty
and gratitude
that,
“Yes,
there have been gifts
given
and received.
When my daughter Erin died
I did not think I’d survive.
There was no light.
None.
At the end of the long,
dark tunnel
that twisted and turned and seemed to go nowhere.
But I did discovered
that a gift was there
many, in fact.
She made me feel whole.
For the first time.
When I held her in my arms.
When I stared into her eyes.
She made me feel whole,
finding that piece
of me
I’d been missing
for all of those years.
And I was grateful.
That she had been born.
In the first place.
That she lived.
And that I was her daddy.
Always.
And I discovered that gratitude opened the door
to healing
to love
to life.
Again.
Trici’s death was such an explosively catastrophic,
inexplicably paralyzing
out-of-body experience
that even though I knew I would survive
(I had done it before.
I knew I could do it again.
That long, dark, twisting-turning-to-nowhere tunnel,
this time,
had a light at it’s end
calling me/pulling me towards it.)
I wondered, though,
would there be gifts?
Again?
Could there be?
Could I find them?
And in time,
like before,
I discovered there were.
Gifts.
She loved me.
Truly.
Deeply
Completely.
As unconditionally as is humanly possible.
And after 13 years of marriage
I was finally able to grasp
that
truth.
She loved me.
Simple.
Profound.
Life-changing.
She loved me.
And I loved being a dad.
And in her absence
a mom.
I loved, loved, loved
parenting our two children.
Rory and Sean.
I told them our lives would be different,
following mommy’s death.
But different was not bad,
or less than.
Different was different.
And when Rory died
my fear was not for him.
Ever.
I knew he would be fine.
As his adventure continued.
My fear was for me.
I knew I would survive.
But was not sure I wanted to.
Not again. Not again.
And I was surprised to discover
somewhat
that the tunnel
the long, dark, twisting, turning tunnel
was lit.
From the inside.
This time the tunnel was lit.
So I could observe
and participate.
And that made all the difference.
And the gift,
one of them,
that I discovered
was that I was capable of loving
my most amazing son
Rory
deeper
and louder
and stronger
with more fierceness
and tenderness
and understanding
and power
and gentleness
and completeness
than I had ever imagined possible.
I was able to love, big time.
And I did it.
And that made me so proud.
And grateful.
I’m not sure how I would have responded
or what I would have thought
or felt
had someone suggested
that there were gifts given,
and to be received
following their deaths.
But now
from the chair I sit in today
Oh, have their been gifts.
And I am so very, very grateful.