Tom's Blog

A new way to LIVE WITH your child's death

Posted by Tom Zuba on July 06, 2013 4 Comments

While reading through FB posts this morning, I came across this message shared with the 11,000+ people who follow a popular page for parents who are living with the death of a child.

Hundreds of people "liked" this message. Over 100 people shared it, thus drastically increasing the number of people who read it and believe it to be gospel. Any many responded to it with a "yes, yes, yes."

Messages like this break my heart. This is a perfect example of the "old way" of doing grief.

Messages like this dig a hole for all of us that are learning to live with the death of a child ... a deep, dark hole from which there is no escape.

In my opinion, in my experience, this message is JUST PART OF THE STORY ... just part of the grief experience.

THIS MESSAGE does not have to be the end of the story.

It does not have to be the end OF YOUR STORY.

Life does not have to end here.



Here's the post ~

"The pain of losing a child can't be explained with words. It's a pain that never, ever leaves. I don't care how happy the occasion, there is always an ache deep within the soul that comes from missing our child. And, so we put on our "mask" and just pray we'll get through the day. That's all -- just get through. The grief from child loss drains us to the very core of our soul. God bless every parent who is missing his/her child this weekend with an extra measure of inner peace!"

I suggest, that with intention, focused action, lots of work and yes, grace, the deep ache within our soul can soften and in it's place deep, profound, unimaginable love can grow.

We can expect more out of life than "just getting through the day." We can expect and create more out of life.

We need not be "drained to our very core" for the rest of our days. That is not why were born. That is not why God created us.

We needn't always "wear our mask." We can be authentic, real, and alive. Again ... or for the first time.

There is a new way.

There is a new way to "do grief."

A way rooted in HOPE with the promise of a new, joy-filled life.

This I know for sure.

Comments (4 Comments)

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Posted by Miftahul on December 13, 2015

Dealing with grief of losing my oldest child to a lady who hit
Him while he was turning into meet me for ice cream on a sat afternoon. It’s been a year and 4 months I feel disconnected from purpose and life and at times where the mask. I’m strong for my family so they don’t feel worried over me or I’m selfish like I’m the only one hurting . They don’t like to talk about it but I can’t not feel like everything I do is with thought of my son. We both have strong faith but burying your child with hopes of so much is beyond words. I never knew parents had to feel this / yes I’m forever changed don’t even feel I’m the same person I was as his mom. I don’t let other hurts in because there is nothing that compares to this hurt so the rest is trivial/

Posted by Stonya on September 11, 2013

I too follow these images on Facebook. Sometimes it helps to know that there are those who truly do understand. Other times, I feel overwhelmed because I wonder will this ever get easier? I have lost two daughters, both to homicide. One in 1992, actually missing since that year, later determined to have been murdered, her remains never found. The last daughter was in 2011, killed by her husband. I try to understand why I am still here. Life is hard but I have four other children and five grandchildren including my daughters 8 year old son. Somehow I have to go on. I am not sure how to do that.

Posted by sandy on July 14, 2013

I too follow these images on Facebook. Sometimes it helps to know that there are those who truly do understand. Other times, I feel overwhelmed because I wonder will this ever get easier? I have lost two daughters, both to homicide. One in 1992, actually missing since that year, later determined to have been murdered, her remains never found. The last daughter was in 2011, killed by her husband. I try to understand why I am still here. Life is hard but I have four other children and five grandchildren including my daughters 8 year old son. Somehow I have to go on. I am not sure how to do that.

Posted by sandy on July 14, 2013

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