Tom's Blog

March 2015 Webinar Question #1

Posted by Tom Zuba on March 31, 2015 0 Comments

We had every intention of recording Saturday’s Worldwide Webinar and making it available to you this week. Interestingly, the Universe had other plans and that did not happen. So ... each day, I will share one of the questions one of our participants asked during the second half of the webinar and share my answer with you. I’d love to hear your thoughts!!!

QUESTION: "In those moments, hours or days where you are grieving hard what are your immediate go-to skills? I often find it difficult to find the balance between giving myself permission to mourn and managing the details of living like going to work, grocery shopping and meeting my commitments. Monday is the 5 year anniversary of my son Max's death. Despite prioritizing self care and tending to the needs of my whole self, at times I find it difficult to not feel guilty that I'm not at my best."

MY RESPONSE: Healing occurs in the present moment. Not in the past. Not in the future. When someone we love dearly dies, we tend to spend lots of time in the past. When when venture into the future, we’re often terrified. We’re rarely in the present moment. A simple way to bring yourself back into the present moment - the point of power - is to focus on your breath. In and out. In and out. In and out. Realize/remember that you are actually being breathed. By a force much greater than you. We are each being breathed by love itself. Breathe that powerful truth in. Let it wash over you.

Bless and thank the painful feelings that brought you into the present moment giving you the opportunity to make another choice. The choice of being present. To life. That is one of the gifts of pain. When the pain is bad enough, we wake up.

If you’re up for it, try and figure out what exact belief you are holding onto (consciously or subconsciously) that is causing you pain. Remember that beliefs are simply random thoughts, that at one time or another looked and felt and smelled and even tasted delicious to you. So delicious that you clung to them with all your might and decided that they would be part of your belief system. When you identify the belief that is currently causing you pain, ask yourself - lovingly - if you’d be willing to let go of that particular belief? If so, perhaps, you’re even willing/ready to replace it with a less painful or even a peaceful belief. I write about this in my book.

The truth is most of us do not have the luxury of mourning (the external expression of grief) 24/7. But we continue to grieve - the automatic, internal response to loss of any kind. Most of us are not allowed to mourn at work (no feelings or emotions here!!!), and we’re not always comfortable mourning with family and friends. We often fall into the pattern of doing grief the old way: we repress, deny, pretend and numb. It’s important to literally set time aside each and every day to mourn. To let it all out. In the presence of another loving person, if possible. That’s the beauty of working with a coach or counselor/therapist and/or being part of a support group. Consider finding a “grief buddy;” someone who is also on the path to learning to consciously live with the death of a beloved. Journal. Workout, Walk. Paint. Use art as a way to express what is occurring on the inside. Do everything and anything to get it all out. Keep none of it in.

When you are “not at your best” whatever that looks like to you, that is your opportunity to practice self-love. Patience. Compassion. Kindness, Gentleness. Understanding. All towards yourself. Remember, that the way you treat me is simply a reflection of the way you treat yourself. I want to be surrounded by people that love themselves dearly ... so they can love me dearly, too.

Thanks much for participating in our Webinar and asking this great question!!!

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