Tom's Blog

If You Are Feeling Abandoned

Posted by Tom Zuba on October 14, 2014 3 Comments

It is essential that you realize
and remember
(which is why I am telling you)
that the world we have collectively created
the world we live in
is one where very shortly after the one you love
dies
you will feel like you have been abandoned
by many, many people.
People you love.
And that you thought loved you.
People you trusted and counted on.
People you shared your life with.
People that knew and loved your beloved.
People that you are certain you would not abandon
if the tables were turned
and they were the ones whose beloved
died.

It is also essential that you realize
and remember
that this is not personal.
It has nothing to do with you.
This abandonment thing.
It’s what we do.
Certainly we do it in the United States
but I am learning that people do this all over the globe.
When people need us the most
we abandon them.

This abandonment-thing is not personal.
This has nothing to do with you
and everything to do with the person
the people
who are abandoning you.
Simply put
it is about them
not you.
Do you get that?
Let it sink in.

You did nothing wrong.
You said nothing wrong.
Someone you love died.

You have to make a decision.
How important is this person
or these people
to you?
How important is it to you
to have them in your life?
The rest of your life?
The life you are creating
after the person you love
died?
Do you want them in
or are you okay if they are out?

Because if you want them in
you will have to speak up.
You will have to become the teacher.
You will have to very, very clearly
explain
from a place of love
exactly what it is you need.
Explain what you need.
Explain what you want.
Explain what would be helpful
to you.
Explain what they can do
and say to help make life easier.

In order to change the way we do grief
and care for those who are doing grief
we must speak up.

We must begun walking down a new path.
Together.
And you must lead.

There is a new way to do grief
and you must become the teacher.

To learn more about my first book click: Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief." To learn more follow me on Twitter @ TomZuba, at YouTube and find me on Pinterest.

If you’d like to explore this further, or any other facet of your grief journey, I work with people one-on-one.  If you’re in the Rockford, IL area, we can do that in person.  If you’re out of the local area, we can Skype or Facetime.  If you'd like to work with me, please email me at tomzuba@aol.com and we can schedule a session and discuss cost.

I also want to make sure you aware of my Video Program “Transforming the Way We Do Grief.”  The intention I set when I created this 3-part Video Program, is to help you heal ... to help make the unbearable, more bearable. Through this program, I share with you much of what I've learned about healing during my 20+ year journey with grief.  To learn more click:  "Transforming the Way We Do Grief.”

Comments (3 Comments)

I am looking to connect on line with others who have lost their spouse years ago – at a young age – I was 40 when my husband died suddenly 13 years ago. Most groups I find are for those who have recently suffered a loss. I’m thinking it would be interesting to talk with someone who has lived on, for years, since their spouse died. Thanks.

Posted by Barbara on May 11, 2016

As usual, Tom, you are right on point. As difficult as it is (and it is VERY difficult), at a time in my life when I feel the most agonizing pain I have ever felt, I must set the intention to be the teacher whenever I can.

Posted by Marilyn on March 01, 2016

My mom died Easter Sunday 2006 and it has been the hardest thing I think I’ve gone thogurh. I lost my sister 10years ago, my grandmother, my mom’s only sister and its so hard when you don’t have those older women in your life anymore. It’s good you still have this aunt. Treasure her and look for those older women in your church. They can never replace your mom but it is still surprising to me how reaching out to them can be comforting to me. Theres something unnerving that happens when you lose your mother. You start to realize your age and mortality in ways you never thought about. My prayers are with you.Treasures in heaven-thats the way I look at those special women in life.Homeschool mom in Tx

Posted by Ady on December 13, 2015

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