Eva Novak, from Naperville, IL created this totem for me last Christmas and I lit it for the first time last night.  I talked with Aubree also and she said her dad bought flowers for her Mom`s birthday and she made a butterfly-heart card.  As there are no coincidences, I told her that at the Mass we had in the morning in Heather`s memory, the kids sang a Butterfly song.  She thought that was cool.  I`m very happy that Justin got flowers and is helping to keep Heather alive in Aubree`s heart.  She said to me that one of the flowers dried out and she put it in her room "so I don`t forget about my Mom".......I said to her that neither one of us will EVER forget her.  She`s such an ancient soul.

I`m not sure why this birthday was harder than the other two since she died, but by 7:00 last night I was feeling much better.  She`s always closest to me when I`m at my worst.

Love to all who enter here......especially at this time of year.  And, Tom, your words continue to help us all through the dark days into the Light.  Thank you!

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Thinking of you Susie...and Heather and Aubree.  Thanks for posting the beautiful photo and for showing us all how to mourn so beautifully.  I hope you feel Heather`s arms holding you tightly...and forever.

Love,
Tom

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Thanks for posting the picture of Heather, she is so beautiful and her precious daughter too....I`m anxious to hear about the tradition and ritual you have planned for her birthday.  Please post a picture of the garden torch if possible....what a tribute of your love.  You are in my thoughts and prayers especially on this day! Resting in the Palm of God`s hand.... 

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              11/19/1974 - 02/08/2006

Happy Birthday, Heather-poo..............Love, Mommy

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Tom:

Your website will prove helpful in the days to come I feel. My husband Dave Kenley coaches football at Rockford Christian Life and sure knows the Zuba name. The editorial  in the RRStar this morning led me to explore here.

Dave`s ex-wife is suffering from metastatic Breast cancer to the brain. This is a painful  and difficult time for the family . We do not know what the future holds for her but I know that Dave and I will refer to your website and are appreciative that it is here for us.

I am so sorry for the profound losses in your life. Your lessons in healing are welcomed by those of us who mourn.

Thanks, Tom

Linda Kenley

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Thanks for the link, Mark.  The piece - by James Kullander - is worth reading.  Perhaps because his experience learning to life with the death of his Dad matches my experiences...and every other person I`ve ever talked too. 

I especially liked these two paragraphs:

From today`s standpoint, mourning seems quaint and old-fashioned, like a widow wearing black for a year after the death of her husband. Even our inherent responses to the death of someone we love—not only sadness, but also lethargy and confusion—seem like an indulgence we can no longer afford. When I e-mailed one my favorite Buddhist teachers, Sylvia Boorstein, to tell her about my father`s death, I was comforted to know she felt much the same. "I wish we had a society in which people could take a long break from work and other pressures just to be quiet and reflect for a while about a family death," she e-mailed back. "The world is different after someone leaves it."

If death has been with us forever and if the affects of mourning lay us low as much as they always have, then why should we allow ourselves to be so quickly pulled back into the tumultuous current of our lives like, well, nothing happened? Something did happen. Something big. Then again, what is the alternative? These days I feel like a shell-shocked refugee from a country at war, where death is fast, brutal, and must be fled to survive. And I`ve found myself in a country where I feel out of place and lost, my normal points of reference back in the land I`ve left behind, which no longer exists as a sovereign state and which I would not be able to recognize if I could return, or even find my way back to, the path filling in with the undergrowth of endless tasks that threaten to overtake me.

Hope and peace,
Tom

 

 

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Hello, all............as I was reading Tom`s journal today I remembered that I received lots of cards when Heather died.  One year later, I received several from girls with whom I had graduated high school and they meant so much to me.  To be remembered after a year was incredible, so I started sending sympathy cards out several months after the death of someone.  One lady lost her dad about 5 months ago and I sent a card to herabout six or eight weeks later.  She sent me a lovely card back and said it meant so much as she was feeling forgotten and alone.  These "experts" that think families should not have it "dragged out" and they must move on........it never ceases to amaze me that generally, as a society, we just don`t get it. 

I bought a scrapbook kit to make a scrapbook for Aubree for Christmas this year.  It`s sitting on the cedar chest in my bedroom, waiting for me to get started as we`re probably going home to Illinois the first weekend in December to celebrate with Aubree.  The boxes that hold all of Heather`s things that I have kept, including every picture I ever had of her,  are next to my bed.  Waiting.  I can`t seem to look at the pictures yet, but I want to take some to the store to have copies made for the scrapbook.  I guess if I am not ready for Christmas, maybe for Aubree`s 7th birthday in March.  And it`s okay.

We`re having a birthday party for Heather next Wednesday evening...............

Peace to all who enter here.

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I wanted to share this link, which was sent to me from our bereaved parents group in Buffalo:

http://www.eomega.org/omega/enews/hereandthere/?source=ENEWS

Later, peace out and may the force be with you.

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As alot of us know, the Day of the Dead in the Catholic tradition is All Souls` Day, which I had completely forgotten about as I prepared for Mass yesterday.  When we began rehearsing the music, Jay said we`re doing New City of Jerusalem......with the first two lines being "May the angels welcome you to Paradise, may the martyrs greet you on  your way"...................which were hopeful and heartbreaking at the same time.  We did this song for meditation and several parishioners were in tears, which made ME start getting teary.   But it`s a beautiful piece of music which has a message of hope and peace throughout.

Paul, your rituals are beautiful; I remember you telling us that you leave the light on at night for Sharon.   In Heather`s Garden I have a garden torch that Eva created for me last year.  I have not lit it yet as I want to paint the top in autumn colors.  On November 19, it will be finsihed and lit for the first time for Heather`s 34th birthday.  I believe we need these lovely rituals and traditions.  Sometimes it is what helps me get up in the mornings.  Peace to you, Paul.

We`re having absolutely beautiful fall weather, with sunshine and 60 degrees.  I hope you all enjoy this day and find contentment in the moment.

Love and blessings, Susie

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I love it Paul.  All of it.  Thanks so much for sharing your Day of the Dead ritual with us.  My hunch is that Sharon is thrilled that she is being so overtly welcomed into your circle.  It all feels so very heathly to me ... and so oddly counter to the painful path most people uncounsciouly are walking...where even the name is never mentioned.

This year I put togteher a list of things folks who are learning to live with the death of someone they love can consider doing in hopes of making the holidays more bearable.  You can find the list at Holiday Help button on my home page. 

Here is #3.  

3.  Don’t expect anyone to mention your deceased love one by name.  Believe it or not, that’s your job.  People will look to you to determine whether or not it’s safe to talk about the deceased.  A few subtle ways to do that:

 a.   Serve/bring your deceased loved one’s favorite holiday dish – talk about it!

 

b.      Bring a favorite picture – pass it around.  Work it into the dining table centerpiece.

 

c.       Bring a favorite memento – a book, a poem, a watch, a piece of jewelry – share it after dinner.

 

d.      Have your loved one’s favorite music playing in the background – tell the story.

 

4. Plan a special evening for close family and friends when you REMEMBER.  Ask everyone to bring a favorite photo and write down a special memory.  Set time aside to sit in a circle and share the photos and stories.

 

Hope and peace,

Tom

 

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