Welcome to my website. I’m glad you are here. Please take the time to visit all the nooks and crannies of this site. It is filled with many, many hyperlinks...so click, click, click...and see where it takes you.
The intention I’ve set for this site is:
"to create sacred space where people can excavate grief, mourn safely, honor the gifts of denial and consciously participate in their own transformation.”
You are welcome here.
In a sentence … for those of you that don’t know my history … My 18-month-old daughter Erin died suddenly in 1990, my 43-year-old wife Trici died suddenly in 1999 and my 13-year-old son Rory died from brain cancer on February 22, 2005.
In November of 2004, one week after Rory had brain surgery, as a way to stay in touch with my family, friends and an ever expanding circle...I started writing at www.caringbridge.org/il/rory. One year after Rory`s death ... as a way to honor the completion of his physical presence...I launched this site.
So… I have become a student of grief, and mourning, and living with death … and that road has brought me full-circle to believe that we are each able to consciously create a full, joy-filled life while we learn to live with the death of someone we love.
If you scroll down this Homepage Journal you will find pages and pages and pages of posts. All kinds of topics. Thoughts. Feelings. Comments on current events.
Please also “like” my Facebook page at Tom Zuba’s Facebook. A group of kind, compassionate, open-hearted people ... people, who are learning to live with the death of someone they love have transformed that page into a safe, sacred circle. You are welcome there, too. To read. To learn. To feel. And hopefully...when the time is right for you, to post something.
It`s been my experience that most of us are ill-equipped and ill-prepared to deal with death. It`s my hope that by sharing the wisdom I`ve gathered (and continue to gather) through my own journey through grief ~ your journey will be different. I know grief is more bearable when shared; when we can accompany each other.
I don`t use the word closure.
I don`t suggest that we "move on." I do believe we can learn to "move with" the death of someone we love.
I have found a few definitions that have helped me grasp what this journey is about. Perhaps they will help you, too.
Again, I am glad you found my site. I wish you hope and peace,
Tom
This is what I know for sure on Memorial Day 2011.
The death of someone you love, of someone I love, was/is not an accident. Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the words society has created and uses to describe your loved one’s death...nothing is random. Nothing.
If you are reading these words...it is not by coincidence. It is by a divine order, that I most certainly do not understand, won’t debate, but know deep, deep within me exists. For me, it is more than faith. Faith, to me takes effort; faith requires work. I am talking about something different...a knowing that simply IS. A knowing that is effortless.
You (and I) were not created to merely exist for the rest of our days. We were not “intended” to simply cope, to survive, to exist, to make do, to count the days till our own death.
You (and I) were intended to USE this experience of learning to live with the death of someone we love to become more than we were...before. Not less. To become more ~ brighter, shinier, funnier, more accepting and tolerant, more compassionate and understanding. To return to love. The place of our origin. The place a part of us has never left.
Our life is about questioning and answering. Everything. With no fear. Over and over and over again...until we marinate in a peace that surpasses all understanding. A peace that IS, always was, and aways will be. That is why we were born.
The journey was meant to be travelled together. I am sure of this. We can support each other, share with each other, challenge each other, question each other, strive to understand each other, listen to each other, and ultimately love each other. We can accompany each other.
In doing so...we support ourself, we share parts of ourself with ourself, we challenge ourself, we question, we understand, we listen, we love...our self. In the end, we accompany (rather than run) from ourself.
This is the path to healing.
Of this I know for sure. Today.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, May 16, 2011, 6:05 pm CST
The words we speak hold incredible power. Repeat a sentence over and over - verbally or in your mind - and that sentence becomes a belief.
The beliefs we cling to - consciously or unconsciously - create, inform and color our experiences.
If you do not like your life. If you do not enjoy the experiences you live, on a day-to-day basis...examine your beliefs. Undoubtedly, your pain is rooted in a belief you hold, either consciously or unconsciously.
If you are living (or learning to live) with the death of someone you love it is very easy to inhale (yes, inhale) society’s painful and false “story” of what it must be like to “survive.”
Society tells us things like:
You will never be happy again.
You are doomed to a life of misery and despair.
Being happy - following the death of someone you love - is being disloyal.
The more pain you are in...the greater your love was.
Life is unfair.
This shouldn’t have happened.
All that is left for you is to exist as a shell of your former self.
It’s okay to count the days till your own death...
Death of anyone under the age of 75 is so unnatural.
Etc., etc., etc. (and add your own pain-filled belief).
You get to choose what you believe.
You get to choose joy or pain for the rest of your life.
Easy? No.
Doable? Yes.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, May 15, 2011, 2:29 pm CST
I read these words in December of 1998…not knowing my wife Trici would die suddenly on New Year’s Day. I highlighted the following passage – not completely understand all of its meaning at the time, but knowing there was resonance at a very deep level.
When I decided to believe in the possibility that agreements have been made between souls before we incarnate … light entered my days, again.
“If a child dies early in life, we do not know what agreement was made between that child’s soul and the souls of its parents, or what healing was served by that experience. Although we are sympathetic to the anguish of the parents, we can not judge this event. If we, or the parents of this child, do not understand the impersonal nature of the dynamic that is in motion, we may react with anger towards the Universe, or towards each other, or with guilt if we feel that our actions were inadequate. All of these reactions create karma, and more lessons for the soul to learn – more karmic debts for the soul to pay – appear.”
~ Gary Zukav in The Seat of the Soul
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, April 10, 2011 5:09 pm CST
Thanks to all who attended yesterday’s workshop “Planting the Seeds of Rebirth” and to those who send us positive vibes!!! It was an incredibly powerful day.
Here is the information I shared during the workshop:
How could anyone ever tell you You were anything less than beautiful How could anyone ever tell you You were less than whole How could anyone fail to notice That your loving is a miracle How deeply you’re connected to my Soul…
Jonathan Goldman Chakra Chants Track 4 “Wings of the Heart”
From The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Page 6
“A tiny acorn with no apparent power to think or make plans for its future contains intention from the invisible field. If you cut the acorn open, you won’t see a giant oak tree, but you know it’s there. An apple blossom in the springtime appears to be a pretty little flower, yet it has intent built into it and will manifest in the summer as an apple. Intention doesn’t err. The acorn never turns into a pumpkin, or the apple blossom into an orange. Every aspect of nature, without exception, has intention built into it, and as far as we can tell, nothing in nature questions its path of intent. Nature simply progresses in harmony from the field of intention. We, too, are intended from the field of that energy."
From The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav
Page142
“The effort that you apply to each decision to align yourself with your soul is rewarded many times. The part of yourself that reaches towards Light may not be the strongest part of you at the moment that you choose to journey toward authentic power consciously, at the moment that you choose the vertical path, but it is the part that the Universe backs.”
Hope and peace,
Tom
Thursday, April 7, 2011 9:17 am CST
Debra shared this story of connection…
When the phone rings at 4:45am, it is not a good omen. We raced in a rainstorm to get to the emergency room at Shands Hospital in Gainesville. We made the drive in 1.5 hours, rather than the normal 2 hours. It was a little after 7:30 am, January 17, 2011. Dan, my ex who is still a very good friend, and I were sitting in the “family room” of the emergency room at Shands. Our only child, Shayna’s, boyfriend and his mom were sitting solemnly across from us. After what seemed like eternity, the nice young doctor entered that stark white room, where Dan and I as well as my daughter’s boyfriend and his mom sat in front of us. The final words that totally changed my “reality” that day were said by this doctor…”Im so sorry but she didn’t make it.” Shayna ascended at 7:23am, minutes before we arrived. It was six days before we were to drive to Gainesville to celebrate her 22nd birthday with her. She was a healthy, vibrant, intelligent young woman who would graduate, with honors, in April from nursing college. She died suddenly, within a period of 4 hours, of a massive pulmonary embolism. The cause of the embolism, resulting seizure and heart failure is still under investigation. It rained all day long, and so did our tears. My sister and her husband came to help us pack up her apartment. Dan and I spent the night in Shayna’s bed, holding one another, crying and praying that when we woke up in the morning, it was all just a nightmare. We donated much of her things to a local church and headed home. I drove her brand new car that she had just gotten about six weeks before. She was so proud of that car. My sister is one who always looks for a “sign” when someone closest to her passes, like our Mom and Dad. For Dad, it was a beautiful blue bird in her backyard. For Mom is was the Angel shadow on the wall in her family room. The day after Shayna, passed on, my sister went out into her back yard and asked her for a sign that she was still here in Spirit. Susan, my sister, stood silent, waiting. Finally, her attention was directed to an old cypress tree, still wet from the downpour the day before. And there, on the bark of the tree, towards the bottom, where never seen before, was the perfect shape of a heart, darker than the surrounding bark. And at that moment, my sister knew that Shayna was o.k. Two days later, another family member, amazed by this heart on the tree, took several photos in succession. All of the photos, except one, were of the heart on the tree. One lone photo, held the most beautiful white orb, with a lavender aura around it, at base of the tree, beneath the heart. That, I am convinced was my daughter’s energy and her way of telling me that she just transcended her physical body and that her Spirit still very much exists! Thank you dear Shayna for helping us all in this very difficult time. I’m trying hard to live your example of Unconditional Love; you were so very adept at loving and accepting without judgement. It is not easy and I am in awe that you did it so effortlessly. I look forward to being with you again some day my Angel… I love and miss you so very much…Mom
Hope and peace,
Tom
Friday, March 18, 2011 10:25 am CST
Lots of really wonderful sharing on my Facebook fan page. Please “like” and join the conversation by clicking:
Tuesday, March 15, 2011 9:03 am CST
Lisa wrote this a little over one month after her daughter Jessie died:
Today, while working on the landscape, I discovered something.
I was on the phone taking a break, talking to my Mom. I was fussing about how the landscape takes so many steps, most of them making the landscape look worse, before you ever get to the best, beautiful complete end of the job. I went on to say that there really never is an "end" because the stuff is always growing, needing weeded, and watered. I told her I wish I could just skip all this working through the junk part, the part that doesn`t look good, and just automatically have it all done and pretty.
Well, as I spoke about it, I realized that it is the same way with going through all these emotions I am having about Jessie`s death. I really don`t want to feel it all- it hurts, it is ugly at times, I have to really work at this to get in there to what I feel. If I don`t, it will grow ugly weeds inside me - some that will probably change who I am forever. Part of this event has already changed me, it is inevitable, but I don`t have to be bitter forever, or lose hope forever.
Right now, there is such a broad spectrum of emotions going on. It seems the feelings are more real than ever before. I want it to just pass on by and be over, but I know it doesn`t work that way. It is my choice. I can deal with it, try to grow the best I can through it all and be healthy for myself and my family that is still here - or I can wither - which will affect me and them too.
I somedays feel I don`t have the strength to go through it, but seems I get a nudge and I do it. That nudge could be strength from God, Jessie`s spirit wanting me to be the fun, happy Mom she always knew, or the look on Melanie`s (my younger daughter) face when she looks at me and tells me how much she loves me. It can nudge me on when Tom (husband) tells me he is proud of the way I am handling all this. It can be the counselor telling me she is proud of me too- and to do what I need to - whether it be cry, scream, beat on a pillow or punching bag, or write in my journal - as long as I feel it helps. That nudge can be a friend dropping me a line of encouragement, or people talking to me about Jessie instead of turning away.
If I continue on this path, as hard as it is, I believe I will make it. Somedays I don`t even want to get up, but I do. Somedays I don`t want to take care of myself, but I do.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, March 13, 2011 1:23 pm CST
A really beautiful story of connection written by Judy…
Our son, Scott died in July, 1998 at the age of twenty-two. He was a passenger in an SUV that left the roadway and crashed into a tree, instantly killing him and two of his friends, the male driver of the car, and a female passenger. Unbelievably, a fourth male passenger survived that accident.
A First Day of Spring
It was Monday, March 20, 2000 and my daughter Ann had just returned from a trip to Scottsdale, Arizona. I picked her up from a Park and Ride lot we had chosen as a meeting point following her bus ride from Sea-Tac Airport.
As I was driving back towards our home with my daughter, I brought up a recent conversation I had with a young female that had known Scott. In my conversation with this girl, I had mentioned that his friends had stopped coming by to visit with us. I knew in my heart that it was inevitable, that the time had arrived for them to move on with their lives.
She told me that Scott’s male friends stopped coming by our house because they felt uncomfortable dealing with his death. They did not want to display their emotions and cry in front of us. She went on to say that most of the females acquainted with our son knew him due to his male friends.. Scott did have a steady girl friend, and was in a committed relationship with her. As far as his friendships with other girls, I met quite a few in the days surrounding and following his death.
One that especially stood out was a girl named Sarah. In the early days surrounding his death, she had joined the other young people that visited our home. One day, Sarah came alone. During that visit, I learned that our son had given her rides to the high school in his pick up truck. She shared a special nickname that she teasingly called him. We had a good visit together that day. I appreciated that she had taken the time to stop by, and in letting me know how much she cared for Scott and that she missed having him in her life.
In the course of our drive back to our house, I commented to my daughter that I had always felt that Sarah had loved Scott. Ann and I arrived back at our house where she retrieved her car for the drive back to her home. I had shopping errands left to do, including a stop at the drugstore to pick up a prescription. After arriving at the store, I decided to buy a yellow Primrose plant and a basket. I purchased a cellophane sheet to tuck inside the basket to keep the plant moist, and fashioned a ribbon bow for decoration. I had a gift tag with me, so I wrote a love note to Scott and attached it to the handle. I knew what I was going to do after I left the store and within minutes I arrived at the cemetery to place my flower remembrance on my son`s grave.
It was already starting to get dark when I drove through the gates. The sign posted at the entrance read that the cemetery visiting hours ended at dusk. I knew I had little time left in the day. No one else was there, but I did notice a couple walking their dogs through the property, Odd as it seems, It is people friendly cemetery and is frequently used by walkers and joggers living close by.
I parked my car, and with my flower basket in hand, walked up the sidewalk that led to my son’s grave site. I had a tea light candle with me, so I sat down to light it and to spend a few moments with him before I had to leave. Suddenly, a small burgundy pickup truck pulled into the area where I was parked. It appeared that someone else was intent on making a late visit to a loved one’s grave before closing time. I continued observing the new visitor and noticed it was a female driver who had arrived alone. She proceeded to get out of the truck and walked around the front of it. Then she waved at me. I stood up and waved back, wondering what was going on. She waved again, and as she did, she spoke my name. I was totally amazed when I heard her say, “Hi, Judy, it’s Sarah”. It was surreal and I felt like I must be dreaming. Words could not begin to explain the emotions that I was experiencing. When she reached me I was in tears, and we shared a mutual hug.
Sarah told me she had not visited the cemetery for a very long time. She decided to stop by on her way home from work, and had called her boyfriend to tell him of her plans. She said she wanted to stop by because it was the First Day of Spring and she felt like spending time at Scott’s graveside.
She asked me if I thought our encounter that day was a sign. I couldn`t think of it being explained any other way. We said our goodbyes and she promised to come by soon to visit with me. She kept that promise, but fate did not work out for another meeting. I wasn`t home at the time she stopped by the house. I never heard from her again, but I will never forget her or the events that proceeded our reunion on that beautiful and memorable First Day of Spring.
Thank you Father God for your surprise blessings and for messengers sent through friends that reaffirm your loving presence in our lives.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Thursday, March 10, 2011 2:14pm CST
With Deb’s permission, I share this piece she wrote with you. I think it helps to not only share our grief with others…but learn from others as well. Learning what someone else thinks, and feels and does can us figure out what we are going to do.
How I did it, How im feeling
by Deb Brown on Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 10:35pm
When my son James passed away November 16, 2010, I had to go through Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday 3 days after Christmas, and my mother died on New Years Day 10 years ago.
It seemed like it all happened at once, all the firsts. What I did, and it wasn`t easy, it was hard... I put my mind straight to thinking "how would James want me to feel on those days" I know, with every ounce of me, that he would want me to at least try to feel okay.
So, I put one tablespoon of each of his favorite Thanksgiving foods on a plate, and I ate it real slowly, for him, as I cried.
For Christmas, I went out the door one night, and found myself at the goodwill store, and there it was, a tiny tree, 2-3ft, green with white lights. I bought it ... then I printed Dallas Cowboy stars, (he`s a Cowboy fan) and cut them out + trimmed the tree, as I cried.
Next his birthday, a group of his friends + I had dinner at his favorite Restraunt, the waitress brought a slice of cake, we all sang happy birthday and passed the cake around. I bought him a birthday card (no one knew until now) but It felt good choosing the right one, and buying it. (I`m going to do that every year.)
Then new years eve, I always miss my mom, and never celebrate the new year like others. It`s when I miss her the most, so this year I left the house, to have dinner with friends, we played board games. It was way out of the norm.
Now, I go in waves. As you see, I find comfort in writing. I`m in this grief alone. I do have my other two children, but they have their lives, their partners, their children, and college to keep busy with. I`m going to take care of myself, physically + mentally because James wants me to! So I will. I feel him all around me. When I cry loud, he calms me. When I`m upbeat and productive, he`s smiling. And when I help others, he`s proud of me.
He`s truly my guardian angel. If it doesn`t feel right don`t do it. If it feels good, perfect! Do it. That`s how I feel.
I miss James so much, the hurt is unbearable. Sometimes i sit in his car with his dog and sob my heart out. I`m so proud of who he was, a true friend to all. Very sincere.
I refuse to medicate myself. I`m facing this head on with James all around me.
All I can say is, it comes in waves, and I ride each one out....
Thanks for your honesty, Deb.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, March 6, 2011 7:15pm CST
My friends Jackie and Mark have four children. Jordan, Merrick, Lindsay and Kendall. I met them after their oldest child, Jordan died.
Jackie has been writing. She has a beautifully authentic blog called Alwaysmomof4. The other day Jackie asked Mark to write about his experience…as a father, learning to live with his death of his son.
I invite you to read Mark’s piece. You will be touched by it. Much of it will resonate. Here are the opening two paragraphs:
Jackie asked me to host blog today, looking to inject a different perspective into the journal of our journey since the loss of Jordan. I am honored and a bit intimidated in opening up in a forum like this, but I told her I’d give it a shot.
Last night, as I reached up to rub part of my back that is aching but in one of those hard to reach areas, I wrenched my face in obvious discomfort. Not knowing that I was being watched, I heard a careful whisper from the corner of the room, “Oh no, Dad, is there something wrong with you too?” The, “too,” part of her question came because Merrick was already sick and her mom had been resting a lot lately dealing with a flare from lupus.
Part 2 of my three-part series is this Saturday, March 5th at 4:00 pm CST. You can listen live locally on 1510am Revolution Boston-Dreamvisions 7 Radio Network, or via the Internet at http://www.dreamvisions7radio.com/hosts.htm
You can print out all 12 Truths in advance by clicking on:
"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”
~ Albert Camus
With Kim’s permission, I am sharing another piece she wrote along with the photo of her daughter Elizabeth.
BRIGHT SPOTS IN THE MIDST OF PAIN
I was numb as I sat in the chair between my husband and my father. I could hear the funeral director talking...I could see his lips moving, but nothing was registering in my mind. Even breathing was difficult. In the past twenty-four hours, life as we knew it had ceased to exist. Our oldest daughter, twenty-year-old Elizabeth, had died of smoke inhalation from a fire in her duplex just a few blocks from the University of Minnesota, where she had just begun her sophomore year. Two of her roommates also died with her.
How can this be? Liz is gone? It just can’t be true. How can I go on without my precious first-born daughter? I had so many emotions running through my mind and I couldn’t deal with any of them. I was too shocked even to cry.
Question after question had to be answered. What is her birth date? Where was she born? What year did she graduate from high school? I answered each question without any thought, more like a robot than a mother. It was instinctual – it was rote – it felt void of emotion.
Part of me -- no, all of me -- wanted to scream and run out of the room, go home and find my beautiful, precious Elizabeth, safe in her room. She would look at me with that coy smile of hers and say, “Oh Mom, you just worry way too much! Nothing is going to happen to me! I’m just fine!”
Why couldn’t this be a horrible nightmare, or some cruel joke? Please God, please. But, No … this was real, and I had to sit and question-by-question try to acknowledge what I just couldn’t believe was my new reality.
Intense Sorrow and Pain
When the funeral director left the room for a few minutes, the silence was overwhelming. We each sat like statues, staring into space blankly. Conversation was impossible. The silence in the room was deafening. Each of us was trying so hard to keep it together, but it was an impossible task. My husband put his head in his hands and sobbed. Then he got up and said, “I’ve got to get some air.” We barely acknowledged him, as my Dad and I continued to sit in stunned silence with tears streaming down our faces.
The funeral director returned and gently told us that we would need to bring in clothing for Liz to be buried in. There was no hurry he said, but in the next day or two. As his words began to slowly sink in, I mentally scanned Liz’s closet – and it was empty. There was nothing left – she had taken everything with her when she moved into that duplex just three weeks ago.
An Unexpected Shopping Trip
The harsh reality was that I would have to go out and buy Liz an outfit to be buried in – one last, final new outfit. She always loved to shop and she loved new clothes, so it seemed fitting that a new outfit was needed for this occasion as well. But how could I shop without her? We never agreed on clothing, and now in this difficult, painful state of mind I had to pick out her final new outfit?!
My sister drove me to the mall – I knew I would go to a store where Liz used to work, as she had always liked the clothes there. As I pulled open the door and stepped inside I whispered, “Liz, you have got to help me here! I have absolutely no idea what to pick.”
I slowly walked around and began to peruse the racks. It didn’t take very long before I found a pair of khaki pants and a light blue sweater. I showed my sister and said, “I don’t know if this is what Liz would want, but even if I don’t get this right, does it really matter?”
A Precious Surprise
A day after the funeral my sister-in-law came to visit. We sat in my kitchen drinking coffee and talking. The grim reality that Elizabeth was gone had begun to sink in.
“I was going through pictures last night," Karen told me, "and I found one of Liz taken last Christmas. I thought you might want to see it." She reached into her purse and pulled out a picture, and laid it on the table in front of me.
There she was – my Elizabeth, smiling and happy sitting with her cousins. But ... suddenly my breath caught in my throat and I couldn’t speak – for you see -- Liz was wearing … a pair of khaki pants and a light blue sweater.
Liz and her Wencl Cousins, Christmas 2002
This story (or some revised form thereof) is scheduled to be published in the May/June 2011 issue of Angels on Earth Magazine.
I`ve said before that I think the words we speak have the power to create our experience. If you haven’t read the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, I encourage you to do so. The first of the four agreements is “Be Impeccable with Your Word.”
It seems to me we used to use the words “dead” and “died” more often then we do now…as in, “My wife died.” “My son is dead.:
Dead/died seems to have been replaced with loss/lost. More and more I hear folks say things like … “I’m sorry you lost your wife.” “I’m sorry for your loss.” “I lost my son to cancer.”
Which begs the question…who is really lost? Perhaps for a time, as we try to awaken from the mind-numbing news that someone we love is dead, it feels/seems like they are lost.
But are they?
Or are they right here? Not “up in heaven, far-far-away” but right here?
I received this email and story recently, and with the author’s permission, I share it with you:
Hi Tom,
I found your website thru FB and when I read your bio ... wow ... I`m so glad you were able to find the light and joy again after experiencing so many huge family losses. To use your experiences to help others is wonderful. I understand that feeling to yearning to help others and make a difference in honor of those you have lost.
I lost my 20-year old daughter Elizabeth on 9-20-03. She had just started her sophomore year at the University of Minnesota. She and 2 of her six roommates died of smoke inhalation from an early morning fire that started on their porch.
Thus began my grief journey. But, like you, God stepped in and lead me through that tunnel of darkness out into the light of happiness. I now write and speak and share my journey at every opportunity. I call it, "From Tragedy to Transformation - A Mother`s Story."
I also have joined forces with other parents across the country who have lost a college-aged son or daughter to fire and we work with Campus-Firewatch to educate today`s college students about fire safety. Here is a link to Elizabeth`s page on the CFW site: http://www.campus-firewatch.com/parents/e-wencl.html
Blessings to you as you continue on in your journey. I`m attaching a short, true story that happened to me in 2006 and it is what brings me a great amount of peace and joy whenever I need it.
"Love lives on ... and the bond we all share with those we love is never broken ... not even by death."
Here is Kim’s story…
THE LETTER
It was August 30, 2006 and there it was. The article on fatal off-campus house fires was on the front page of that day’s edition of USA TODAY. I had been so pleased to receive a call, some three weeks earlier, from a reporter working on the story. They had done extensive research on all the fatal off-campus house fires across the country since 2000, and the article would run just in time for college students moving into off-campus housing for the upcoming school year.
It was everyone’s hope that this article would keep other college kids from making the mistakes of, not only my daughter Liz, but of the 61 other college kids who had lost their lives due to fire in their off-campus homes. Prevention was key and I was glad to play a small part in doing whatever I could to keep other families from experiencing the devastating loss of a vibrant young adult.
When I found out the article was going to print, I excitedly emailed all of my friends and family to tell them about it and that Liz’s picture would be included.
I stopped at the store on my way to work that morning and bought three copies of the paper. I was so excited! I couldn’t wait to get to my desk so I could read that article. But, once I did, it made me so sad. The senselessness of Liz’s death hit me again in such a powerful way, and it felt like September 20, 2003 all over again. I guess I should have expected that kind of reaction, but it had taken me by surprise and I was having a very difficult time dealing with all of the raw, painful emotions that once again bubbled up and grabbed me.
I was also very mad at myself. How naïve could you be, I thought to myself? How could you possibly think that this article would make you happy?
Suddenly, I wished it had never been published and I threw the papers on the back credenza of my office and tried hard to put it out of my mind. But I couldn’t, because all day long I had a steady stream of co-workers stopping at my desk to see the article, and it was all I could do to keep my composure.
I was having a sad, difficult day. I hadn’t had one of “those” days for quite some time and I just figured I was due. I’d get through it, I told myself, because tomorrow will always be better. It was something I had dealt with before in the three years since her passing, and it always worked. You had to feel the pain before it would leave I had learned.
I focused on my job and tried hard to put the article out of my mind. I work with International customers at my company. Because of the time difference, email is the accepted means of communication. I had taken this position just three weeks after Liz’s death and it had been the perfect job for me. The stress level was low; I could come in, answer the emails I received, and go home. I thanked God often for giving me such a wonderful job at just the right time.
I continued to work through my emails. Suddenly a familiar email address popped up. It was Liz’s high school French teacher. Jan had been Liz’s favorite teacher, and we had kept in touch after her death. I had shared my news about the USA TODAY article with her, and I assumed that was what her email to me was about.
Much to my surprise it wasn’t about the article at all. Kim, she said, you will just treasure this. I was in my classroom yesterday, cleaning out my files, getting ready for a new school year. A lone file folder fell on the floor. I reached down and picked it up and on the outside I read “Liz Wencl Essay.” I opened it up and discovered an assignment I had given out over four years ago.
The assignment was to write a letter to one of your parents, in French, telling them what they represent in your life. Kim, this is a letter Liz wrote to you!
Now, I don’t speak French, so Jan translated it for me. That letter was a parent’s dream. In it Liz told me how much she loved and missed me in so many different ways. And, amazingly, even though the letter was written when she was in high school, it made complete sense for life after September 20, 2003.
Here is the English translation of the letter:
Assignment: Write a letter to your Mother or Father telling them what they represent in your life.
Dear Mom,
I know that you love me. You show me each day that it is true. Don’t think you are a bad mother. It isn’t true! When I look at you I realize how much I am loved.
When you are feeling bad, don’t forget --- I truly love you. I would like to be a better daughter. We argue sometimes and that makes me sad. I feel bad and unhappy if you cry.
I remember when I was little and you would hug me and say, “I love you so much, Lizzie, sit here with me for just a little while. Those times were so special for me and you made me so happy. I felt like nothing could ever hurt me. I use to wish those moments would never end. To be cuddled up next to you like that today would be like a dream come true.
Mom, I feel sad when you feel sad. And, when you are happy, I am happy! You are my mother and I would never choose anyone else. Without you, I would never be who I am.
I love you with all my heart.
Kisses,
Liz
********
Suddenly what had been a very difficult day became a completely amazing day, and I was once again emailing all of my friends and family to share this wonderful letter with them.
Jan brought the folder and the letter to my house that night. As she put it in my hands, she said to me, “You have got to know this was no accident.” I said, “Oh Jan, believe me I do know that.” She went on to tell me that she remembered telling Liz what a beautiful letter it was, and how she had encouraged Liz to share it with me. She even remembered what Liz’s comment had been, “I will when the time is right.”
Receiving that letter was no coincidence. I believe with all my heart that my daughter is still with me and she knew I was having a difficult day. She reached out to let me know just how much she loves and misses me, just as I love and miss her.
The letter is now framed, with the French version on one side, a picture of Liz in the middle, and the English translation on the other, and it hangs in our living room. It is a constant reminder of the power of our love. That letter is visual proof for me that Liz reached out and touched me on a day when I needed it most.
Now, I am sure, I will have more sad days in the years to come. But when I do, all I have to do is read her letter and I once again feel the strong bond of love that we will always share. It is a bond that can never be broken, not even by death.
Just as God’s love for his children never changes, the love that my daughter and I share never changes. It will live for all eternity.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, February 28, 2011 11:43am CST
Please set aside some time THIS Saturday, March 5th at 4:00 pm CST to listen to Part 2 (of 3) of my live interview with Deborah Beauvais, radio host of "Love by Intuition." We will be discussing the middle four truths (5-8) from the list of my personal “12 Truths.” You can print a copy of all 12 Truths by clicking: 12 TRUTHS
Part 3 of the series is scheduled for Saturday, April 2nd at 1:00pm CST
Join us!
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A wonderful sharing is occurring on my Facebook fan page. Feel free to join the conversation, or simply read by clicking:
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Last Friday, I wrote on my FB fan page:
“What about the men? Have you noticed that the majority of posts here are from women? What do men do with the grief that accumulates in their body following the death of someone they love?”
I am thankful for all the thoughtful, insightful responses folks posted.
Deb Kosmer sent me this email and poem…and with her permission, I share it with you. I hope you love it as much as I do. Thanks Deb.
“I am a hospice bereavement coordinator who had more and more men self-referring for grief counseling and as always a very few men at the mixed grief groups so took a chance and started a Men`s only grief group. The very first night 23 men showed up and our numbers the past 5 years have averaged between 14 and 25 each time. We have had as many as 30 in an evening. The group meets at out office in a meeting room and starts with a home cooked meal so they can talk informally. Then the sharing session begins facilitated by two men. I am present but chose to have males facilitate rather than my self. The very first evening I sat down and write about it afterwards. This is what I wrote:
Last night I sat in a room filled with grieving men
Some missing a parent or sibling but most a spouse
For once not a minority sandwiched within a
group of women, but a part of a group connected to
one another by gender, death, and heartache.
This morning as I looked into the eyes of my
14 month old grandson I couldn`t help but think
of those men who once were little boys and who
still carry many of their little boy hurts in their
grown-up hearts and adult sized bodies.
The pain I heard and felt in that room last night
was real, as was their voiced confusion,
questions, and doubts about themselves
and their future. the tears they let fall
did not look any different than mine.
They spoke of losses both past and present
Many of which they`d never grieved
Of being told they must be strong
That big boys don`t cry, tears were for
the weak, the sissies, and the girls.
This morning I saw my smiling grandson
run and fall and tears start to come
I gathered him in my arms and gave
him a hug as I remembered last night’s
men who as boys were told not to cry.
And my heart ached for them then and now
Deb Kosmer
2006
Deb Kosmer is a published writer and social worker and works as a Hospice Bereavement Coordinator. She is also a bereaved parent, sibling, and daughter. She can be reached at debrakosmer@gmail.com.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Saturday, February 26, 2011 9:34 am CST Hoping you can join the conversation tomorrow (Sunday) at 5:00pm CST.
I am excited by the opportunity to share my message with many, many more people when I am interviewed by Deborah Beauvais host of the radio program “Love by Intuition.”
We will be exploring the first 4 of a list of “12 Truths” that I’ve chosen to believe over the past 20+ years. Beliefs that have enabled me to experience peace and joy following the deaths of my daughter Erin, my wife Trici, and my son Rory. These beliefs ~ and the path I’ve taken to embrace them ~ are featured in my book “The First Year ~ Living With Loss as Spiritual Practice.”
You can print a copy of these truths by clicking: 12 Truths.
To learn more about Deborah and her radio show click: Dreamvisions7radio
If you are on the upper east coast you can listen to the radio, otherwise access via the internet.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, February 20, 2011 12:16 pm CST
I had the honor (really) of being with 11 men Saturday morning who have all heard the words “You have cancer.”
These remarkable men are part of the Healing Pathways Cancer Resource Center two support groups for men: one is a Saturday group which meets from 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month, and the other is a Thursday group which meets from 11 a.m. to noon the 1st and 3rd Thursday of each month. Sessions are held at the Healing Pathways Center in the lower level of Westminster Presbyterian Church, 2821 N. Bell School Rd., Rockford, IL.Groups meet in an informal setting and are available to any man, whether he`s currently undergoing treatment, a longtime survivor, or the caregiver of a cancer survivor or patient.
I have not heard those same words "You have cancer" directed at me by a health care professional. Yes, I have lived with my 13-year-old son Rory’s cancer…but I am certain it is not the same.
I titled my presentation:
True or False:
"We are disturbed not by what happens to us,
but by our thoughts about what happens." Epictetus, Greek philosopher (55 AD – 135 AD)
I spoke for about 20 minutes…and then facilitated a conversation among these men.Of course, this was the juiciest part. Where the real meat was ~ as always.And of course, I was the one who learned ~ as is always the case when I am working with other people.
These are some of the things I learned yesterday morning:
1.The only thing I am really certain of is NOW.Rather than fret and worry about the future ~ I am going to enjoy the present moment to the best of my ability.
2.It makes me feel good when I help someone else.
3.It makes me feel good when someone else offers to help me.
4.When I share what I’ve learned with someone “new to the scene” it makes us both feel better.
5.It’s easier to face the unknown when someone else accompanies me.
6.It’s not too hard to find someone who has it worse than I do ~ no matter how bad my “it” is!
7.Taking the first step is often the hardest ~ but oh are the rewards worth it.
8.When I talk about my situation with others who are willing to listen, my load feels lighter and more manageable.
9.I’m stronger than I thought I was.
10.I’ll never know the answers to some questions…and that’s okay.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Thursday, February 17, 2011 9:17 am CST
This Saturday at 9:00 am I will speak to the Healing Pathways Men`s Support Group, lower level of Westminster Presbyterian Church, 2821 N. Bell School Rd, Rockford, Il. The group helps men share feelings, questions or concerns with others in similar situations in an informal setting and welcomes any man, whether he`s currently undergoing treatment, a longtime survivor, or the caregiver of a cancer survivor/patient.
My topic is:
True or false: "We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens."Epictetus, Greek philosopher
I have been told by many people that, in retrospect, a cancer diagnosis brings with it many, many gifts. I beleive that! Should be a fascinating morning. If you know someone who might benefit from attending…please pass this information along.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:33 am CST
Mark your calendars.
I am excited by the opportunity to share my message with many, many more people when I am interviewed by Deborah Beauvais host of the radio program “Love by Intuition.” Each interview will be one-hour long. Interviews are scheduled for 5:00pm CST on Sunday, February 27th, 4:00pm CST on Saturday, March 5th and 1:00pm CST on Saturday, April 2nd (my 54th birthday!!!)
To learn more about Deborah and her radio show click: Dreamvisions7radio
We will be exploring a list of “12 Truths” that I’ve chosen to believe over the past 20+ years. Beliefs that have enabled me to experience peace and joy following the deaths of my daughter Erin, my wife Trici, and my son Rory. These beliefs ~ and the path I’ve taken to embrace them ~ are featured in my book “The First Year ~ Living With Loss as Spiritual Practice.”
You can print a copy of these truths by clicking: 12 Truths.
More info about these shows will be posted as the day arrives.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:33 pm CST
I love the book ”HOME WITH GOD in a Life That Never Ends” by Neale Donald Walsch. For those that don’t know, he’s the author of the Conversations With God books (which are worth a look).
The other day I found his blog called The Alternative Voice. On Sunday he posted this piece. If it resonates…take a deeper look at Neale’s work.
Death as a celebration
Posted by neale donald walsch on Feb 13, 2011
I received this letter in the Ask Neale section of my personal website today…and I would like to post my reply in this space as well today, because we have been on this subject of “death” here recently, and this letter “just happened” to come in…
My interlinear comments are in boldface type…
Hello, Neale…Hello. Good to have you here.
I have experienced the loss of both my mother (aged 101)and my dear daughter (aged 48) within the past 18 months.
I’m sorry. I know this has to have been very difficult and very challenging, especially coming so close together like this. To lose the one who birthed you, and the one you birthed, in the same short period…gosh…
Your Home with God book was the only one of about 15 books I read that shifted my response from a feeling of loss to a feeling of connection to both of them. Thank you so very much.
You are so very, very welcome. I am only glad that it had a meaningful and comforting impact on you.
QUESTION: If we choose the time of our deaths and the MEANS of our death – that brings some startling thoughts. Many people have deaths involving slow pain from disease, or incredibly violent (and apparently painful) ones. I wonder why someone would choose those…
We cannot know the “agenda” of any individual Soul…but we can know that the Soul has an agenda. I think it not profitable to try to figure out the agenda of another Soul, but far more beneficial to thank God for creating the possibility for each Soul to fulfill its agenda perfectly, in its own perfect time, in its own perfect way.
…but even more to the point – is there a softening of the process for the individual dying that the observer doesn’t see or feel?
From my experience and observation, there seems to be. I think it is the Gift of Death that at the time of our departure we are elevated in consciousness, such that we are separated from suffering. Yes, this is what I have seen and this is what I believe.
I saw my family members as they spent the last apparently difficult hours (difficulty breathing, functioning, etc.) and it felt to me as though the observers were experiencing more pain than they were.
I am not at all surprised by this.
What is the subjective experience of a seemingly difficult death?
Subjectively, the person moving through a “seemingly difficult death” enters, in consciousness, the Soul’s level of experience far sooner than we think they do. The Soul’s experience of all of life — including the moment of what we call “death” — is joyful, peaceful, wonderful, and serene. I believe that people who are moving into death embrace the Soul’s experience, rather than the Mind’s experience. They realize at a very deep level that they are celebrating their Continuation Day; that Life is not ending, but proceeding in an even more wondrous way; that all is well, and there is nothing to worry about.
My additional observation of the dying is that they receive death as a welcome experience, not unlike the anticipation of a good, long, restful sleep after a wonderful and exciting day’s activity. Yet it is not a sleep without dreams, but rather, a sleep in which the dream has ended, and reality…Ultimate Reality…is once again experienced.
As for difficulty and pain, I want to draw a parallel here. I have had occasion to see a woman in childbirth several times in my life. And often, during those moments, they have been in pain. Yet I would not characterize their experience as one of “suffering.” Pain is an objective experience, and suffering is one’s thought about it. I have observed women in childbirth wincing and writhing, yet feeling happy, even joyful — indeed, almost in ecstasy — simultaneous with their pain. This is not uncommon.
I believe that giving birth and death are identical experiences. I like this idea: Even a man can know what it is like to give birth. He knows this at the moment of his death.
At death, we are birthing ourselves anew into the Real World of Knowful Joy, whence we have come. I just invented that word. If “joyful” means “full of joy,” and if “eventful” means “full of events,” and if “wonderful” means “full of wonder,” then “knowful” means “full of knowing.” The Real World is a world full of the knowing of joy. The world of physicality is also a world of joy, but we may not always know it, due to our limited perception. I believe that at the time of our death our perception expands dramatically, and we become knowful of the joy that all of life is, in every form. Even the form that we call “death.”
In short, I believe that at death we step out of the Illusion and into Ultimate Reality, where we truly do celebrate our Continuation Day. And we do so mentally before we do so physically. That is, the Mind leaves before the Body ends its functioning. It is by this means that we avoid suffering. The Body may hurt, but the Mind does not suffer.
This is both my belief and my observation.
Thank you for helping me with this. I continue to focus on it and would like a shift in perception on it. With much love and blessings to you, Judy L. R., Hendersonville, NC
Hope and peace,
Tom
Valentine’s Day, Monday, February 14, 2011 1
“Thank you, God. Thank you for everything that has ever happened to me, is happening now, and ever will happen.”
~ Neale Donald Walsch
That’s a tough on, isn’t it. Especially (I think) if you are learning to live with the death of someone you love.
“Thank you for everything that has ever happened to me.”
That is tough. That assumes that God does not make mistakes.
On February 9, 2005 I was still clinging to miracles. Still hoping I could change the mind of God. Still thinking that somehow I knew better…and what was best for me and my family.
I wrote “Saying YES to life…in this moment, not resisting what is…opening your eye (heart) even the tiniest bit to see, feel, hear, smell, experience – bump into – remember God!”
Oh was I desperate to have a face-to-face with God. I had a thing or two to tell “him” and it began and ended with “DO NOT TAKE ME SON.”
On February 11, 2005 I wrote “I ALLOW ALL THAT IS DIVINE TO FLOW THRU ME INTO MY SON!”
I worked hard to visualize Rory receiving Divine Energy…specifically from his mom, his sister, his Uncle Daniel Patrick who died as an infant, and my maternal grandmother.
I surrounded Rory with rest, with perfect health, with “You are Love, You are so Loved,” and with grace and peace.
I was most certainly NOT at a point where I was ready/willing/able to “surrender to what was.” I was resisting reality. I was certain that God was making a huge mistake.
So…I did everything in my power to turn the train around.
What parent wouldn’t?
Was I able to thank God for everything that was happening?
No.
Did that bother God?
Not in the least.
Love does not need to be loved in return.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Tuesday, February 7, 2011 4:01pm CST
What if we discovered that the real reason we were born was to fall in love with our self? That’s right. To really, really, really fall deeply in love with our self. That person you look at in the mirror every morning. To fall in love with that person.
I’m being interviewed tonight at 9:00 pm CST by Robin Craig on her Live Video Chat “Today’s Widow.” You can access the show by clicking: Robin Craig ~ Live.
Our topic is “A Widower’s View of Valentine’s Day.” Should be interesting. I hope you can join us.
More from Nancy Levin’s beautiful poem “on the threshold of something new:”
“healing the past
inside the present
remains and relics
embedded and intact
a return and a forward
an arrival
left alone in the dark
we each must discover
our own light”
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, February 7, 2011 10:14 am CST
Don’t forget ~ one random act of kindness today. When you are kind to someone else, you are kind to your self. As you change, your entire world changes.
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Love this quote:
“Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
~ Oliver Goldsmith
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Part of a poem called “on the threshold of something new” by Nancy Levin.
“I wake and lay in bed
Remembering all the things
That will never happen
All the places we will not go
All the things we will not do”
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This is one of several pieces I created on 2-8-05. There must have been a lot stirring around inside of I me, and past experience taught me that I felt better when I was able to “get it up and out.” Art provided that release for me. A way to mourn.
In yellow I wrote the word “HEAL” with yellow rays radiating outward.
Over the word “HEAL” I wrote the phrase “Resting in the arms of the GREAT wide OPEN” ~ lyrics from a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter.
In the lower left corner I wrote: “Bill O’Neill said ‘to rest is to heal’ it’s OKAY for Rory to sleep so much!” Bill O’Neill worked with something I think was called the “Canadian Cancer Research Foundation” ~ another experimental, controversial facility folks who are given terminal diagnosis turn to. Rory was spending more and more time asleep…and Bill’s words offered me some hope.
In the upper right corner, I wrote: “thank you for the miracles that HAVE occurred and for the miracles that ARE occurring in THIS moment…and in THIS moment…and in THIS moment!
Bottom right: “Dear Lord, You have opened so many doors for us…we continue to walk thru them with a grateful, grace-filled
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, February 6, 2011 1:15 pm CST
Valentine’s Day is one week and a day away. It might be a tough period for you – especially if you are learning to live without your love physically present this year. So, I’m suggesting that in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day we each perform one random act of kindness each day. Read more in Saturday and Friday’s posts. There’s even a Random Acts of Kindness you can visit that is full of great ideas.
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A few weeks ago a little boy named Griffin died. I did not know Grif or his family personally, only through the Caringbridge site Grif’s dad kept updated. After Grif died, his dad Mike shared what I think is a wonderful idea. Whenever the family goes out for dinner, and makes a reservation ~ they always make the reservation in Griffin’s name. I just love that. Talk about keeping their son alive and present. Can you imagine hearing “Griffin” announced over the loudspeaker when your table is ready? “Party of 4 for Griffin?”
Love it. Makes me smile.
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As some of you know, my son Rory died on 2-22. The year was 2005 ~ so we’re coming to the 6th anniversary of his death. Seems like 60 years. Or 600.
At the time he got “sick” – i.e. had a seizure, was misdiagnosed for 2+ months, and was finally diagnosed with terminal brain cancer – I was studying Expressive Art Therapy. Part of the program I was in consisted of putting to paper that which was occurring on the inside. So, for much of that 6-month journey, I documented my experience in an Art Book. The art pieces are parts of the puzzle of that experience for me.
Here is the page I created on February 4, 2005. It gives you an idea of “where I was" at the time.
In large letters I wrote: “RELEASING the STRONG desire to CONTROL THIS !!!
In the upper left hand corner: “I simply do NOT know what is BEST here, so I will RELEASE the illusion that I am in control – I AM NOT! GOD IS – Lovingly
In the bottom left: “I was worried about Sean during Rory’s appointment. Michelle called and asked me to drop him off @ the Coffee Shop…that will work."
Underneath the word “RELEASING: “Observe the FEAR – don’t CLING to it ~ observe it! observe it! observe it!
That`s where I was then.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Saturday, February 5, 2011 9:09 am CST
“We must be brave enough to stand rooted in the wisdom that there are no accidents and that everything is exactly as it should be.”
~ Debbie Ford
Wow.
I would blame no one for saying “He’s got a lot of nerve posting that quote!” “Doesn’t he realize that my husband just died? My wife is gone? My child didn’t make it? Now, both my parents are dead?”
Believe me, I get that.
The other day I talked about the opportunity that the death of someone we love gives us to question everything. Why not? What do we have to lose?
And two of the fundamental questions that need to be asked – and answered – are:
Is there a God?
And if there is…what is it?
For me, the answer to both those questions brought me to the place where I am at peace with Debbie Ford’s quote. I believe that there are no accidents. I believe that everything (everything!) is exactly as it should be.
Because of my understanding of God.
So…if you are ready to begin changing your life. If you are ready to heal – some more. To transform. To become more of the YOU, you were born to be…consider changing ”just one thing” in your life.
Consider joining us beginning Monday the 7th to perform one random act of kindness each day for a week.
Set the intention to join us. Pay attention to the opportunities that present themselves for kindness.
You can do this.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Friday, February 4, 2011 7:50 am CST
“Be gentle with yourself. Kiss away your (imagined) faults and remember, if you saw you as God sees you, you would smile a lot.”
~ Neale Donald Walsch
Ten days from today is Valentine’s Day. It might sneak up on you; you may already be dreading it. Let’s be proactive and reframe that holiday.
I’ve got an idea. I hope you will join me.
Did you know that “Random Acts of Kindness” Week begins Monday, February 14th? Neither did I until I read about it in my friend Kelly’s newsletter. (Great newsletter. Check it out at by clicking: Kelly`s Live the JOY newsletter.)
I’m suggesting to all my website and Facebook friends and visitors that we begin a week early. So, on Monday, February 7th, let’s start our own “Random Acts of Kindness” week. Each day, do something special for someone you know. Set the intention to make a difference in someone else’s life. Devote some quiet time each day to deciding what you are going to do. Ask the question, “Who can I help today?” And then listen…until the answer bubbles up. It will. Doing this is such great practice learning how to listen to your intuition.
Visit the website Random Acts of Kindness for ideas if you are stuck.
A while back I wrote about a movement that seemed to sweep through many circles a few years ago. The suggestion was that if you changed one thing about your life…you changed your entire life.
If you are ready for change. This could be it.
Please consider joining us.
Hope and peace, Tom
Thursday, February 3, 2011
“You must be willing to suspend what you imagine you know about God in order to know God as you never imagined.”
~ Neale Donald Walsch
As we commit to mourning – to excavate our grief and push it up and out…
As we set the intention to heal…
It’s been my experience that we have to question everything. Or perhaps I should say we get to question everything…because once we have “lost everything” … what else have we to lose?
Sooner or later, as we muster up the courage, or the energy, or the desire to question everything, we come face-to-face with the God question.
Is there a God?
No, really, we ask ourself, "Now that the person I love has died…do I believe in God?"
"At the very, very depths of my being…do I believe in God?"
"And if I do…what is it?"
"If there is a God…what is it?"
Hope and peace, Tom
Wednesday, February 2, 2011 10:58 am CST
“An intent is a commitment to yourself to bring into existence a particular result”
~ Debbie Ford
So…let’s set the intention to mourn. Let’s make a commitment to ourself to identify what is happening inside of us at any given moment…and then using all of our energy work to push it up, and out. Let’s try to clear an internal space; a space for healing and for new life.
Why bother mourning?
Because it’s a path to healing.
I can suggest two very concrete ways you can mourn. One is by posting in the Guestbook. Spend some quiet time with yourself…and share whatever comes up. Add your name to your entry if you like, or post anonymously. Do it for yourself, and for the people who may read your words…and for the first time think ~ “Hmmmmm, I can relate. Perhaps I am not as alone as I thought I was.” Read what Gayle posted. Perhaps you’re ready to share parts of your own story?
Click to Visit Guestbook A second very “doable” way to mourn is to check out my Facebook fanpage. Lately, I’ve been posting an open-ended question ~ and am in awe of the responses folks are posting. Again, post for yourself, and for those who may simply be ready to read at this point.
One of the things I know for sure is that mourning is a path to healing.
Set the intention to mourn. Today.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, January 31, 2011 11:03 am CST
So often the words grief and mourning are used interchangeably – as if they are the same word, with the same meaning.
I felt empowered when I found a definition of grief, and a definition or mourning that really resonated with me. When I decided to define grief as the “internal, automatic response to loss” and began to create an ever expanding list of ways that grief expresses itself inside me – I didn’t feel quite as helpless and confused and lost. I felt I had a starting point to understanding what was happening to me – following the death of my loved one.
And I decided to define mourning as the external expression of grief. Mourning is identifying what is happening inside of me at any given moment…and then using all my energy to push it up, and out. Trying to clear an internal space, if you will.
Everyone experiences grief.
Remarkably, not everyone mourns.
And the problem is, that mourning is a path to healing. So…if you don’t mourn, it makes it that much harder for you to heal.
Another problem is that many of us have forgotten how to mourn. Or we’re discouraged from mourning. Or we have no safe, sacred space where we can mourn.
So ~ armed with this definition of grief, and this definition of mourning…I no longer wondered what to do.
I had to mourn. As much as I could. As often as I could.
Tuesday, I pulled a quote from a book mentioned in a recent Time magazine article that stated that “according to a study” the worst of grief was over in 6 months.
Here is what what folks had to say on my Facebook fanpage, based on their own experience, as they become their own grief expert:
Kathy: No. It`s really just settling in as real about then.
Marilyn: At six months, you think you could be going crazy, or worse..I think the real grief starts and gets worse about that time…
Kim: For me, the numbness was just beginning to lighten. After a year, year and half I was becoming aware of what forever means.
Rachel: You never stop grieving. It just takes different form.
My intention is to offer hope and peace to those who are learning to live with the death of someone they love. I think we can do that together as we begin to dismantle some of the myths about grief that are floating around.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Tuesday, January 25, 2011 7:39 am CST
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you” ~ Rumi
And then I think it’s up to us to open to the Light. Again, Light being whatever you call “it” … God, the Universe, Allah, Jesus, our higher power, etc.
In the January 24th issue of Time magazine (the one about the Tucson shootings) there’s an article about grief I find really disturbing. I have read it several times…making sure I am grasping what the piece is saying. The article is adapted from a brand new book by Ruth Davis Konigsberg called “The Truth About Grief.”
I wrote a letter to the editor of Time that I hope gets printed. In the letter, I suggested that the book should have been called “Ruth Davis Konigsberg’s Truth About Grief” --- because the grief she writes about bares no resemblance to the experiences I have had with grief these past 20+ years.
My original fear was that this book will once again set us back many, many years…as we struggle to learn to live with the death of someone we love. But then I realized that more people will probably read the Time article than will read the entire book (at least that is my hope). Thus my letter to the editor.
Of the many irresponsible, and potentially harmful things Time included in the article is this:
“…the worst of grief is usually over within about six months. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2007, Bonanno tracked 205 elderly people whose spouses died, and the largest group – 45% of the participants – showed no signs of shock, despair, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts six months after the loss. Subjects were screened for classic symptoms of depression, such as lethargy, sleeplessness, joylessness and appetite problems, and came up clean on those as well. That didn’t mean they didn’t still miss or think about their spouse, but by about half a year after their husband or wife died, they had returned to normal functioning.”
There’s a lot there…so, read it again, if you like.
205 elderly folks were “studied.” All lost a spouse.
45% - okay, less than 102 people – showed no “signs” 6 months after the death. They had returned to normal functioning. What does that mean? Getting out of bed? Getting dressed? Feeding oneself?
AND THE CONCLUSION IS THAT THE WORST OF GRIEF IS OVER???
FOR EVERYONE LEARNING TO LIVE WITH THE DEATH OF SOMEONE THEY LOVE?
That has not been my experience.
How about you?
There are three really powerful entries in the Guestbook. If you haven’t read them, I encourage you to do so. From the chair you are sitting in, in light of the quote I printed above, what would you say to Lori, or Dianna, or the anonymous write in the Guestbook? What words of wisdom, or comfort can you offer born of your own experience?
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.”
~ Byron Katie
When we are able to consciously change one thing in our life…either adding or subtracting…our entire life changes. Think about it.
Transformation begins with one step.
Healing begins with one step.
Even if you are unable to actually take the entire step ~ lean into it.
Lean. Lean. Lean.
Lean in the direction of healing (you are the only one that knows what direction that is for you) and God/the Universe/Love/your higher power rises up and sweeps you away.
Lean into the direction of transformation.
A while back I suggested that you consider buying an amaryllis bulb. They usually go on sale right after Christmas. The conditions they require to grow and bloom (right before your eyes) are pretty minimal.
My friend Linda bought a bulb. She created the right conditions. Here is a photo of the life that appeared…because conditions were right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let’s start at the beginning. They say knowledge is power. I remember my beginning…when my 18-month-old daughter Erin died so suddenly on July 18, 1990. I didn’t have a clue. Not one single clue.
About what to do. What to think. What was happening to me (or my wife, Trici). About how to care for myself. I didn’t know when/if the nightmare I was living would ever end. Would it get worse? Would it get better?
Help. Help. Help.
So…in time…I began to search. For answers. For information. To try to understand.
And I discovered a definition of grief that made sense to me.
Grief. The automatic, internal response to loss.
Simple. Profound.
I was alive. I had loved. I had lost.
My daughter.
And I was experiencing grief.
Normal. Natural. To be expected.
Why didn`t I know this?
So, I felt somewhat empowered. I wasn’t going crazy. I wasn’t losing my mind.
I know that today is a HUGE football day for many … but, my hunch is, that if you are reading these words … today’s games might not be the focal point of your day. If that’s true…I’ve got a suggestion.
Set aside one hour, and give yourself the gift of listening to my interview with three-time Emmy winner Robin Craig. Robin’s husband died about five years ago. She and I talk about ways you can actively participate in creating a new life for yourself. It’s worth listening to.
To locate the archived program, scroll down to the bottom of the page. Let me know what you think.
It might be helpful to print a copy of my “A New Year. A New Life” before you begin listening. You can do this by clicking that phrase next to the photo of me above. At the bottom of that page, there is a place to click for a print-ready copy.
You might also want to call you local book store and see if they carry “11:11 Magazine.” Both Borders, and Barnes and Noble do. Ask if they have the Jan./Feb issue in stock. My article “It’s a New Year. It’s a New Life” appears on page 34.
Hope and peace, Tom
Friday, January 21, 2011 8:41 am CST
Schools are closed today. Temps will not reach into double digits. It’s a real Midwestern heart-of-winter winter day. It’s cold. Bone-chillingly cold.
And the sun is shining.
On December 4th, I suggested that you go out and buy an Amaryllis. My friend Linda did. Here are her photos.
Wednesday, January 19th Thursday, January 20th (less then 3 weeks old)
This is what I wrote then. It still rings true.
Healing takes place in the present moment. Not the past. Not the future.
The present.
If you are out shopping today buy an amaryllis bulb. Even if, especially if, you have no green thumb. All you need do is water the thing.
Place the potted bulb in a really visible place. The kitchen perhaps. Put it in the room you spend the most time in.
The amaryllis is life. It’s alive. In order for it to continue to live…and reach its potential…conditions must be right. You control and affect its conditions.
If you’re not familiar…you will be surprised that the amaryllis will grow right before you eyes. They are available in white, red, pink, and many combinations of those colors. Buy a few. Give them as gifts to friends who are grieving this season.
If you have kids…care for the bulb as a family.
In his book The Power of Intention Wayne Dyer writes:
“A tiny acorn with no apparent power to think of make plans for its future contains intention…If you cut the acorn open, you won’t see a giant oak tree, but you know it’s there. An apple blossom in the springtime appears to be a pretty little flower, yet it has intent built into it and will manifest in the summer as an apple. Intention doesn’t err. The acorn never turns into a pumpkin, or the apple blossom into an orange. Every aspect of nature, without exception, has intention built into it, and as far as we can tell, nothing in nature questions its path of intent. Nature simply progresses in harmony from the field of intention. We, too, are intended from the energy of this field.”
You are the amaryllis.
As you care for it. You care for you.
As you witness its growth…at a cellular level you open to your own growth. To the intention that is you…waiting, wanting, willing, wondering when you will say yes to it.
Hope and peace, Tom
Thursday, January 20, 2011 7:36 pm CST
Here’s a link to an article that appeared in Wednesday’s Chicago Tribune:
for a printable copy of 10 things you can do to begin creating a new life for yourself.
If you were unable to watch/listen…I will post a link shortly that will allow you to watch when it’s convenient for you.
I’ve also just uploaded Part 2 of my interview with Tommy Meeks. It’s about 10 minutes long. Tommy’s adult son Carlos died in July of 2010. In the interview Tommy and I talk about whether or not it`s possible to find peace after the death of a loved one, "to cry or not to cry," creating a healthy relationship with the person we love who has died, and my experience on Oprah.
Tomorrow evening, Tuesday, January 18th at 9:00 pm CSY I will be interviewed by Robin Craig, a three-time Emmy winner whose husband died five years ago. Robin and I will be talking about ways you can begin to build a new life in this new year.
To listen and watch on Tuesday, January 18th at 9:00 pm CST click Robin Craig LIVE
Hope and peace, Tom Zuba
Saturday, January 15, 2011 2:41 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 70
Some of you have been on this journey – Living With the Holidays – since the beginning. We started November 1st. 70 days ago. I am more convinced than ever that grief is not meant to be experienced alone. I hope that by traveling through the holidays together – the experience has been more bearable for you. My wish is that you have experienced moments of hope, and glimpses of peace.
One of my favorite books is called, “Awakening From Grief” by John E. Welshons. It’s the book that jumped off the book store shelf one early summer of 2004 day when I was looking for something else. It’s the book I devoured, highlighting page after page with my yellow marker, so much of it resonated with me. It’s the book – that in retrospect – prepared me for the journey ahead…the journey that began with my son Rory’s seizure just a few weeks after I finished reading the book, and ended with his death six months later.
I love the title. “Awakening From Grief ~ Finding the Way Back to Joy.”
For many ~ it’s as if we fall into a deep, dark, sleep. A sleep called grief. We seem to disconnect from our self, and the world. I think we have to. For a time. Not fully realizing what has happened, until slowly we begin to “come back.” Re-entering our bodies. Not really aware that we have even left until we begin to notice the color of the sky again. Or taste our food. Or awake in the morning feeling rested. The re-entering, the awakening, provides such a contrast to the vacancy that existed before.
We begin to awaken from grief.
I also believe that grief provides us with the opportunity to awaken in a different way. To become more fully alive. To step into the person we were born to become. I believe this is one of the reasons that the person we loved died. So that we could become more of our self.
And, I believe we can say yes to that opportunity…or we can say, “No thank you, not this time. I`m not interested in awakening”
John E. Welshons writes:
“…grief is primarily the pain of resisting what is. It is the inevitable outgrowth of our human minds thinking that the people, places, and events of our lives should be other that they are. It is a belief that God, or the Universe, or the Creator, has made a mistake.”
Learning to live a joy-filled life with the death of someone you love is possible.
Awakening, really awakening, from grief is also possible.
It requires intention. Awareness. Focused action.
And it’s a lot of work.
I’ve created a piece called “A New Year. A New Life” to help you begin to consciously create your own plan to help you step into the life you were born to live.
Friday, January 14, 2011 9:35 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 69
I wasn’t there.
Of course, I have no idea what was said…and what wasn’t said.
This is, however, what I read in the paper this morning.
“She would want to say to us today, ‘Enjoy life,’” said Bishop Gerald Kicanas, who presided over the funeral. “She would want to say to us today, ‘God has loved me so much. He has put his hand on me and prepared a place for me.’”
“Her time to be born was September 11, 2001,” her said. “Her time to die was the tragic day, January 8, 2011, just nine years old she was. But she found her dwelling place in God’s mansion. She went home.”
I like the what he said. I like the essence of it. Maybe not the exact words…but the essence resonates with the truth I have chosen as my own.
To bring me peace.
Following the death of someone I love dearly.
What would you say. To the parents? To the siblings? To the family and friends?
From the chair you sit in now. What would you say? To offer hope and maybe even peace?
If you can, share you words in the Guestbook...to ligh the way for others.
My article “It’s a New Year. It’s a New Life” is printed in the Jan/Feb 2011 issue of 11:11 magazine, “A Magazine Devoted to the Journey of the Soul” which will be available at Borders, and Barnes and Noble any day now.
Look for it.
Hope and peace, Tom
Monday, January 10, 2011 2:48 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 65
Makes you wonder doesn’t it?
Where exactly was God in all of this? And if he (she?) is so darn powerful why didn’t he/she reach down from heaven and stop the bullets? Or find a way to warn those innocent people who were gathering in front of the Safeway store that morning? If he loves us so much, why did God do this to us? Or let someone else do this to us? To the people of Tucson? Of Arizona? Of the “In God We Trust” United States of America?
I thought God loved us?
The first time in my adult life that I was really touched by an intimate death – the death of my daughter Erin in 1990 – I remember marveling at the freedom I felt after some of the “death-dust” wore off. It felt like I had lost almost everything that was dear to me…so, why not? Why not question everything? Why not say “no?” Or “yes?” Why not start over. Begin again. Try something else. What was there to lose? Having already lost just about everything that mattered to me.
So I questioned everything.
Everything!
I think it’s normal and healthy and transformational to question everything. I think it’s part of what the death of someone we love is about. To rattle us. To spin us ‘round and ‘round giving us the chance to re-think, to re-picture, to re-prioritize…if we dare.
As this new year unfolds, commit to asking and answering life’s fundamental questions. Questions such as:
Is there a God?
If so, what is he/she/it/they?
What happens to people when they die?
Do they still exist?
Where are they?
Is the person I love who died still aware of me?
Can he/she communicate with me?
What role did “God” play in my beloved’s’ death?
Ask the questions…then listen. Listen as the answers bubble into being. They will. Maybe not right away. And certainly not all at once. But the answers will come.
As you heal, these answers may change. Open to that change.
Question everything. It’s all okay.
Hope and peace, Tom
Thursday, January 06, 2011 1:49 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 61
What if?
Just what if?
They really are right here.
Literally!
Not “in our hearts.”
Not “in our memories and in the stories we tell.”
Not “in the good works and deeds they did.”
Not “in the wind, the flowers, the mountain tops.”
And most certainly not “in the stars, or tucked away in a far off heaven.”
What if they are right here?
If you knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that the person you loved that died is literally right here – standing beside you – what would change for you?
Who would you be … NOW?
How would you feel?
What would you think?
What would you do?
You, and only you, get to decide what you believe. And you, and only you, get to (or have to) live with your beliefs.
Take a few minutes today (if you dare) and ask the person you love who has died if they are by your side.
And then listen for the answer.
If the answer doesn’t come today. Ask tomorrow. And then listen. And ask the next day, and the next, and the next ~ until you receive an answer loud and clear.
Ask, and you shall receive is the universal promise that has been made to each of us. Don’t doubt that an answer will come.
What will you do then?
With your new-found freedom and your brand new life?
Hope and peace, Tom
Tuesday, January 4, 2010 7:41 am CST
Living With the Holidays
Day 59
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I know for many, these early days of January are a real let-down, regardless of how the holidays were for you. It seems as if everything comes to a screeching halt...and even though we may have waited and waited for the holidays to finally be over. Now that they are, the question is...what next?
What happens next?
Depends. On you. What do you want to happen next?
Would you consider identifying one belief that causes you great pain...and allowing that belief to let go of you? Would you just consider that?
Pay attention today. What is one belief that you hold on to (or that holds on to you) - consciously or unconsciously - that causes you pain?
Is it...
He died too young.
She wasn’t supposed to die that way.
If only I had _______________, he’d still be here.
Life is so very, very unfair ~ or cruel ~ or frightening ~ or ____________.
I’ve been robbed of my golden years.
I will never be happy again.
Identify the belief.
Then ask yourself if it’s true. Are you 100% certain that the belief you are clinging to is true?
How do you react when you hold on to that belief?
Who would you be without that belief?
Can you find a reason to release that belief?
Sit with that for awhile.
In these slower, colder, seemingly darker days of winter - if you haven’t started a Gratitude Journal yet, or if you have but have not contributed to it on a regular basis - today would be the perfect day to commit to writing down 5 things every day that you are grateful for.
5 things.
They can be as simple as a warm house, food on the table, a soft pillow, the end of the day, a dog that loves me.
Commit to writing in a gratitude journal every day. First thing in the morning or last thing at night. Put a Journal or a notebook by your bed. Write 5 things you are grateful for every day. Every day. At first, you may simply be glad another day is over. You may be thankful for the soft pillow, the comfortable bed, the warm blankets. And then you may remember that the first cup of coffee actually tasted good and you’re grateful for that. And one day you notice the sun in the sky. Another day you smile…really smile.
Commit to spending time each day looking for things to be grateful for. A grieving heart that is searching for things to be grateful for ... is different from a grieving heart that is not.
Monday, January 3, 2011 1:29 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 58
Be sure to follow me on Facebook (click icon next to me picture above) and Twitter @ TomZuba
Yesterday was another “222” for me. Had my daughter Erin lived, on January 2, 2011 she’d have been 22.
“222”
One of the many gifts that my wife Trici gave me was the reminder that “Erin lived a full life.” Trici did not want us to focus on the date that Erin died…but rather, she wanted us to put all of our energy into being thankful that she had come to live with us in the first place. Trici really believed that Erin lived a full, complete life jam-packed into 18 months.
Our daughter Erin loved and was loved ~ big-time.
Over and over, I have heard folks who are learning to live with the death of someone they love repeat the same thing. “I don’t want him forgotten. I want people to remember that she was here. That she made a difference. That he mattered.”
“I like it when someone mentions her name. When someone tells me a story about him that I never knew, or that I had forgotten.”
None of us want our loved ones forgotten.
I am always amazed by who reaches out, and equally amazed by who remains silent.
I am always surprised and humbled when someone who really “shouldn’t” remember that Trici died on January 1st, or that Erin was born on January 2nd not only remembers, but then reaches out to me to let me know they remembered.
And I am always baffled and confused by those who knew Erin well; or who, perhaps, were even with me at the time of Trici’s death or shortly thereafter – who if they do remember – decide (consciously or unconsciously) to remain silent. Too painful perhaps? Not sure what to say? Making contact with me may require feelings to be felt.
I don’t know.
A friend suggested that “it must hurt today as much as it did the day it happened.”
Not so, for me.
After 20+ years of learning to live with Erin’s death, and now 12 years of learning to live with Trici’s death I would say the memories are softer. Whatever pain there is, is nothing (and I mean nothing) compared to the paralyzing pain of fresh grief.
For me…it’s a pain and a sadness rooted in the loneliness of “but I don’t want folks to forget that Erin and Trici lived. That they were here. And that I had a life with them.”
And there’s a bit of “do you realize (do you have a clue) what I have learned to live with” thrown in there, too.
Hope and peace, Tom
Saturday, January 1, 2011, 1:00 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 56
A New Day. A New Year. A New Life.
My wife died 12 years ago today. Believe it or not, I can’t remember the exact time. I know it’s printed on her death certificate stashed away in my bedroom…
Interestingly, my daughter Erin died at 5:10 pm on Wednesday, July 18, 1990. For some reason, that statistic rolls off my tongue with little effort.
A while back, there was a movement that seemed to catch on for awhile. The suggestion was to “add one thing” or “do one thing differently” and that simple act would begin a chain-reaction of change in your life…and in the lives of all you encounter.
Anyone that has spent any time reading my words knows that I am a huge fan of “not resisting what is.” When I realized – after reading Eckhart Tolle’s words – that by resisting what is in my life, I am actually at war with the present moment…that did not feel good and I set the intention to learn how to be present, more often.
Visitors to this site also know that I believe it’s necessary to feel all the feelings and emotions that are expressions of grief – the internal, automatic response to loss. Regardless of what others say – feeling the feelings is NOT the problem. Of this I know for sure.
Feeling the feelings is the solution.
As humans – even humans who may find themselves in the depths of the darkness that is so often grief – we can do more than one thing at a time.
So, in addition to not resisting what is, and in addition to feeling all that wants to be felt…we can also add one thing.
I think it’s important to add one thing that engages us with life. Any life. One thing.
It could be buying and carrying for the amaryllis and/or paper white narcissus that I wrote about a few days ago.
Or you might consider buying a bird feeder. Today. If you don’t have one. If you have one…but haven’t paid any attention to it lately…clean it off. Move it in front of a window you pass often. In the kitchen. By a favorite chair. Outside your bedroom. And then buy some bird seed. I’m always amazed that somehow the birds know when you have supplied them with fresh food, and they never fail to tell all the other birds.
Life appears outside your window. And in order to maintain that life…you need to support it, care about it, tend to it.
It’s a start.
Another thing you can do is Commit to spending quiet time with yourself every day – to simply BE with yourself and your new life. Even if you have to force yourself to be quiet and alone for five minutes – do it. “The Universe will back you up...” And, over time, five minutes becomes 10, becomes 15, becomes 20. If you keep running from yourself and your new life, how can you live it? How can you consciously participate in it? Your own life. Pray. Meditate. Ask. Listen. Receive. Allow. Surrender. Feel. Cry.
It’s a start.
A New Day. A New Year. A New Life.
A new relationship with your self…and with the person you love that has died.
It’s possible.
Of this I am sure.
Hope and peace, Tom
Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:01 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 55
Today is a real Midwestern winter day. No sun whatsoever. Grey, cloudy sky. Temps a tad above 32 degrees, so there’s a mix of snow and melting snow – slush. A perfect day to stay inside.
And plan.
The rest of your life.
If you dare.
It doesn’t matter if the person you love died two weeks ago, or twenty years ago…undoubtedly, there is residue stuck in your body from that experience and its aftermath. Some call it energy. It can be unexpressed, repressed anger or sadness or confusion or disappointment or any of the hundreds of emotions and feelings that are normal, natural expressions of grief.
Since few of us know how to mourn anymore (we tend to stuff, pretend, deny, repress, etc.) everything that’s not released gets trapped in our body. It has to go someone and sooner or later it finds ways to make itself it known.
People consumed with grief have a certain look. Their eyes. The way they hold their body. The hardness of their lips when they try to smile. Even the way they walk. They’re tight. Constricted. Holding on and holding in.
As you think about creating your own plan to consciously create a new life in the new year consider committing to finding ways to release the heavy, burdensome energy stored in your body.
A massage therapist can help. He/she can help you physically relax. He/she can also help your body release stored energy and even stored memory that no longer serves you. If you are living in a cold climate, like I do… consider a massage with hot stones on a cold winter day. I promise you will feel better as you are transported away while relaxing on the table.
Make an appointment to see a Reiki master or a Craniosacral therapist or any other energy worker. If you’re not familiar with these techniques, google them. Ask around for a referral. At the very least, the physical touch will be healing. My experience with both reiki and craniosacral is that powerful healing occurs on many levels in a 60 minute session. I can’t really explain it, but I know I’ve experienced it.
What can you consciously add to your life as you lean into your own healing? Your own transformation?
Hope and peace, Tom
Wednesday, December 29, 2010 10:15 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 53
Believe it or not, the days are getting longer. Slowly but surely. The light is returning. It always does. Light follows even the darkest dark. Always.
Winter births spring. It’s what the winter is all about. Preparing. Creating. Nurturing.
It’s such a perfect time to look at our own lives. What wants to be born through you this new year? 2011. What can you do to facilitate that birth?
Create a plan. Your plan.
You know (deep down) exactly when you need to heal. No one else knows. How could we? My job is to become the expert on my grief. Your job is to become the expert on your grief.
I can (and will) share what has worked for me – learned by trial and error over 20+ years. Take what resonates. Leave what does not. Listen to your self… and add to your plan what might work for you.
Make no mistake – this requires work. Hard work. Dedication. Determination. Strength. Resolve. Etc. etc. etc. You are creating a new life. Building new dreams. Restoring trust and hope, and a willingness to take risks again. All the while knowing that there are no guarantees.
Before we go on – make sure you read yesterday’s Journal entry regarding setting the intention to heal, and committing to mourning. Make sure you understand what I mean when I use the word “mourning.’
For today – consider going out and buying either an amaryllis or paper white narcissus, or both. They should be on sale now due to after-Christmas markdowns. Place the pot in a really visible place. A place you see many times every day. If possible, buy one for your work space, too.
The plant is symbolic of you, and your new life. The plant – in order to grow – requires certain conditions. Like you. As you care for the plant --- making sure it receives the right amount of light, the right temperature and enough water (not to much, not to little) --- think about what conditions you need to grow. To create a new life.
I would suggest that you need a safe, sacred space. You need to create this for your self. You can. It’s possible:
I also encourage you to commit to going outside and walking in nature every day. Even if it is only for five minutes and you have to force yourself to do it. Build up to ten minutes. 15. 20. Lose yourself in nature. The trees. The animals. The scents. Try and feel yourself in your own body. Pay attention to your feet hitting the ground. The breeze on your face... notice.
Ask questions.
Listen for answers.
Allow.
Feel.
Cry.
Over time, notice the change of seasons. (And the changes in you.)
Spring follows winter. Always.
The days get brighter.
What appeared to be dead brings forth new life. Always.
You can do this.
Hope and peace, Tom
Tuesday, December 28, 2010 8:27 am CST
Living With the Holidays
Day 52
I slept yesterday. It felt good. I was exhausted. The 7-day cruise. Florida with Sean. Christmas Eve at Mike and Anne’s. Christmas dinner at my house with some family and friends ... and then the big McInerney (my mom’s side) Family party here on the 26th. To top it off, I was up at 4:45 yesterday morning to be at Channel 17 by 6:00 am.
I was exhausted. I slept. It’s all good.
The older I get, I realize I like the routine of life.
When you’re learning to live life with the death of someone you love - oftentimes, all you yearn for is a routine. Something that feels “normal” --- realizing/accepting that it will have to be a new normal...cause the old normal ain’t comin back. No way. No how.
The approach of the New Year brings with it a great opportunity to create a new routine for our new life. We can build the new routine around healing. Healing our broken heart, our broken life.
The first step is believing that healing IS even possible. This can be a tough one...because there is so much energy out there telling us that healing is not possible...not after the “devastating, tragic, untimely, senseless, cruel, (fill in the blank)” loss that we have suffered.
I am here to challenge that energy, those thoughts, those beliefs...and to suggest to you that YES, indeed you can heal and build a new life for your self. In fact, I believe that is exactly what the death of a loved one is all about. Resurrection. Yours.
It’s like a Tsunami, or an earthquake, a hurricane, or a volcano erupting ---everything appears to be lost. But in time, and with the proper conditions, life returns. The green. The color. The sounds. The animals.
Life returns. Different than it was. But beautiful, no less.
So --- the first step is setting the intention. “I am healing.”
Even if you don’t believe healing is possible. Set the intention anyway. “I want to believe that healing is possible. Show me the way.”
Step two...commit to mourning. YOU MUST MOURN IN ORDER TO HEAL. Period.
Mourning is going public with your grief. You must excavate. You must feel. You must push the grief “up and out.”
Take a look:
Tom Zuba`s Reflections on Mourning, 2 of 4
The problem is - most have forgotten how to mourn. Most are very, very uncomfortable when you do mourn...cause it makes them uncomfortable...cause they haven’t mourned all that needs to be mourned. It’s a vicious circle, that someone has to break. Let that someone be you.
Commit to creating a new life for YOU in the new year. Commit to healing. Commit to mourning.
Don’t waste this experience.
There is a way to find meaning.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, December 27, 2010 6:53 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 51
If you are reading these words…than one way or another you lived through Christmas. I’m suggesting that you take some time to look at “what just happened.” It might be helpful to write some thoughts and observations down. It’s easy to forget.
1. Many say the anticipation of a “big day” – Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, a birthday, an anniversary, etc. - is actually worse than the day itself. The build-up is what causes the most pain. Then somehow, someway the day itself kind of unfolds…and in the end it wasn’t as bad as you feared. Was that the case for you? Was Christmas Eve/Day as difficult for you as you thought it would be?
2. Did you do anything different this year? Did you stick with exactly the same routine, schedule and traditions as you always have…or did you tweak things a bit? Did you add something, toss something else…or completely start from scratch? Or --- did you skip the holiday altogether? Stay in bed perhaps or fly somewhere warm (or cold)? As you reflect back – how did your plans work for you? Will you change them again next year? Is there one thing you’d do differently?
3. Did you say YES to anything or anyone new this year? If so, how did that feel? Would you do it again?
4. Did you say NO to anything or anyone this year? If so, how did that feel? Would you do it again?
5. Was the person you love that died part of your family gathering? Did you cry? Did other’s “say their name?” Did you take care of your self? Did you have a place to mourn when you needed/wanted to?
Be careful not to unconsciously move too quickly to the next chapter…before you’ve taken the time to review the one that is ending.
You want to be the expert on your own grief. Sit down with your self…for a review.
What have you learned? About you?
Hope and peace, Tom
Saturday, December 24, 2010
Living With the Holidays
Day 49
I am a child of the 70’s and I always loved the pop rendition of the poem Desiderata. Some will remember it.
When my son Rory was sick...and as it became clearer and clearer to me that he would not live...a few sentences from that poem would come back to me - frequently - and bring me much peace.
“You are a child of the Universe,
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt, the Universe is unfolding as it should.”
Repeat it, if you can, and replace the word “You” with “I” and “me.”
I am a child of the Universe,
No less than the trees and the stars;
I have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to me,
No doubt, the Universe is unfolding as it should.”
For me...holding this belief has made all the difference. It has been the new beginning for me.
Hope and peace this Christmas Eve,
Tom
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Living With the Holidays
Day 47
Yesterday was the Winter Solstice.
There was an article written by Beth Botts in the Chicago Tribune a few years ago titled, “Out of Darkness, Rebirth.”
It’s amazing to me how these words can speak directly to those of us that are living this holiday season with the death of someone we love.
Out of Darkness, Rebirth
The darkest day is the birthday of hope: For many thousands of years, that is what the winter solstice has meant to people all over the world.
(Tuesday was) the shortest day of the year, when night had its greatest dominion. But it also is the day that light begins to grow.
And from ancient times -- in imperial Persia and prehistoric Ireland, in Peru and China, in Scandinavia and Rome -- it has provided powerful metaphors of survival and rebirth to help us face the apparent death of the natural world and look on to the season of new growth to come.
Many of the customs we associate with Christmas have their roots in pagan winter solstice celebrations from northern Europe, where the longest darkness and deepest cold brought the greatest fear.
Thousands of years ago in pre-Christian Scandinavia, a giant oak log was burned to symbolize strength and endurance, as the household gathered around the fire in the face of darkness. That image of the fire on the hearth still is central to our idea of Christmas. Traditionally the log that celebrated Yule -- a name probably derived from an old word for wheel, as the wheel of the year turned -- was big enough to light 12 days of feasting. A fragment would be saved to light next year`s log, symbolizing continuity and rebirth.
In Celtic myth, the winter solstice was the time that the Oak King -- who had grown weaker through the fall, just as his sacred trees lost their leaves -- revived to do battle with his evergreen twin, the Holly King. Holly long has been associated with European midwinter celebrations, because it remains green and holds it berries at a time when so much of the forest is gray or brown and seems dead. Later, as a new metaphor arose for light and rebirth, the holly`s berries, like those of mistletoe, came to be associated with the blood of Christ.
Evergreens, with their apparent ability to defy winter`s death, long have been sacred in Northern European traditions. At the solstice, evergreens were decorated with offerings to beckon the return of the growing year. After the Middle Ages, the custom began to move indoors, and it entered American tradition after the German-born Prince Albert introduced the Christmas tree to England in 1841.
All these customs speak to what the old pagans saw -- the forest dying, the world darkening and closing in and threatening their lives with its deadly cold -- and what they deeply hoped: That underneath it all, the world was still alive.
Of course it is. The yews in the front yard may still have red berries, if the birds haven`t gotten them. Cones at the top of pines are ready to fall and drop seeds. Many plants -- such as lilacs -- already have formed the buds of next year`s flowers, bundled up and waiting to bloom.
The dead-looking trees that dropped their leaves were merely conserving energy and moisture as they hunkered down to nap. The compost pile may not be cooking, but the busy little microbes are still there, waiting for warmer days. The ground may be frozen at the surface, but a few inches down, roots still are alive and bulbs already hold next year`s tulips and lilies.
Many animals are hibernating. But others will be awake all winter, scurrying under the snow or visiting the bird feeder.
Unlike ancient pagans, we have science to tell us that the solstice is simply the day when the Earth`s axis tips us farthest from the sun, so the sun appears lowest and weakest in the sky and has the shortest arc. As the Earth tips back, the days will inevitably grow longer.
Knowing is one thing. Real comfort comes when we deck our houses with evergreens, light fires and candles, feast with our families to banish cold and dark, sing songs, worship together and tell sacred stories of hope and rebirth.
But we can also seize a couple of those fleeting hours of midwinter sunlight to take a walk. Catch the glisten of a berry or the flicker of a bird. Look for the subtle swelling of a bud. Spot the tracks of a field mouse. Remember where we planted the crocuses. Scatter, perhaps, a few seeds of some sturdy native wildflower on the snow, which may float them down to the ground as it melts and keep them moist to germinate in the spring.
There is no finer promise of better days to come.
Let us find peace in the ancient promise of better days to come,
Tom
Sunday, December 18, 2010
Living With the Holidays
Day 48
I received these two emails from Rebecca, after she watched my interview with Tommy Meeks on ComCast Cable Channel 17 the other day. With her permission, I share her story with you.
As I’ve said before…my work is about life. Period. Living a transformed, “bigger” life with the death of my daughter, wife and son:
First I would like to say thank you for the service of navigating through grief that you offer to others. I have never watched a ComCast cable television show before tonight. In fact, I didn’t even know the show existed until I was randomly flipping through channels and heard the words “grief” and “holiday” used in the same sentence. I was hooked.
You so beautifully talked about the connection between your son and the numbers 222. You also requested that anyone with a “222” experience contact you about their own experience. Well, here is my version of a 222. My story is kind of long, and I will try to keep it as short as possible.
In 1996 my mother/best friend was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor in Rockford. She was a nurse at Sweds for 40 years, so we didn’t question the diagnosis. In early 1997 after much begging and pleading my mom agreed to go to Mayo Clinic for a second opinion. A neurosurgeon said that it was operable as well as treatable. She had a large portion of her left temporal lobe removed, rented an apt. in Rochester for 9 months and had targeted radiation to the former tumor site. She was declared to be cancer free. We were told that she would probably live 10 – 15 years, and by then there would be advances made to address any future problems. Our lives could get back to normal. Yea.
In May of 1998 she had a routine follow up at Mayo and the tumor had unexpectedly returned. This time with a vengeance. The doctors told my dad and I that she would only live 12 weeks and to call Hospice when we returned to Rockford. My dad and I were devastated. She was our core. The matriarch. Our problem solver. Our caretaker. I moved into my childhood home to help my dad care for her in her last weeks. During the time I was with her, we talked at length when she was able to, about everything from faith, Heaven, death and how she expected us to conduct ourselves after her departure. (she was a student of Elizabeth Kubler Ross in the 60’s) (She felt strongly that death was not to be feared. That we were all going to a better place and that we would most certainly be together again) (She even forced my brother and I to tour funeral homes to “demystify” what happens after a person dies.) (We thought it was corny. Later on we learned it wasn’t)
She would talk a lot about how much she loved my husband, Tim. His kindness, his caring devotion to me and our son, and the wonderful woodworking projects he did. (he made rustic furniture). More than once out of the blue she would say, “I love the maple and pine table in your kitchen that Tim made. It is my favorite.” Then, should would ramble on about mostly nonsensical things.
During the time I was staying at my parents, Tim would stop over and complain about having a headache. I was not too sympathetic. I would point to my dear mom laying in a hospital bed in their family room and say, “There is a woman with a headache. Take a Tylenol.” Periodically throughout the summer, he would repeat that he had a headache. Like I said, I was so not sympathetic to his complaints. I thought he was displaying some sort of empathetic physical symptom relating to loosing this woman he loved and thought of as his own mother. Tim and my mom had a very strong connection from the moment they met. 2 peas in a pod so to speak.
She died in August of 1998. My dad, son and I high- tailed it to the lake 2 days after the funeral to try to escape the pain. We were there 2 weeks. My husband came up the weekend of the 2nd week and said that he still had a headache and the dr. said, as he had for 2 years, that it was sinus. I screamed at him to take a sudafed and tylenol. Get over it. Geeze.
We came home from the lake at the end of 2 weeks. That’s when I learned that there is no escaping the pain of grief. I missed her so much. I prayed every night for her to talk to me, send me a sign that you are indeed alright like you promised you would be. Nothing. I asked God how she could just disappear from my life without any connection being felt.
Then it happened ~ 5 weeks and 6 days after her death I had a dream. It was my mom. This sounds icky, but strangely it wasn’t.
The dream . . . . .
My mother’s head from the neck up was sitting on her favorite maple and pine table that Tim had made. There was one teardrop of blood on the table top. It sounds horrific, but it was not. She was very calm. I was trying to walk through the doorway from our dining room to the kitchen but the table/head was blocking me. I said, “Mom!” She kept repeating over and over, “Check the head, check the head, check the head . . . “ I woke up with a start. I was so upset that I finally had contact with my mom, and it wasn’t what I had expected. There was no warmth, reassurance or comfort from that borderline nightmare.
The next day Tim said he had a headache. I put him in the car and drove him to the hospital wondering about the “head dream.” The docs at first said it was a migraine. Tim asked for a ct scan. They refused. This gentle, quiet man I married raised his voice and almost yelled, “I want a picture of my head.” The Doc was a little miffed and ordered a scan. Within an hour we had the news. A brain tumor. Wrapped around his brain stem.
I wanted to take him to Mayo, and was told that he wouldn’t make it to the state line. His brain stem was herniated from the pressure of the tumor. I was told to gather our family to say our goodbyes. He had a less than 10 % chance of surviving a surgical intervention. 3 craniotomies later, 3 months of hospitalization and many months of rehab he is still here. However, he was not the man I married. He was not the same father to our son as he was before that day. We had to grieve for the former and learn to welcome and embrace this new person.
So, after a lengthy story, there is my 222 moment. Had I not had the communication from my mom in the form of a very graphic dream, I would have continued to dismiss Tim’s complaints of a headache. I think she spoke to me very bluntly to get my attention to address Tim’s situation.
I never dreamt about her after, until this past February. She simply came to me in a dream and spoke the words, “Take care of your dad.” I thought, that’s weird, after all these years she is briefly telling me to do what I had been doing for 12 years. He was the picture of health and still working full time at age 79. I called him and asked how he was and if he was going to church. He told me that he had a little cough. I took him to his doctor’s office and they diagnosed him with pneumonia and admitted him to the hospital. Another long story short, 5 days after his admittance to the hsptl he was unable to talk. A ct scan revealed multiple brain tumors. He died 4 days later. I think she was preparing me for another walk with brain cancer. Another 222 moment?
From now on when I see a clock that reads 2:22, I will think of you, your family, and the amazing comfort and hope you offer to those of us who are missing the physical presence of loved ones.
I wish you Christmas Blessings and Peace,
Rebecca
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the short response I sent Rebecca:
Beautiful Rebecca. Thank you so much. How is Tim now? Is it okay with you if I post this email on my website? I know it will bring hope and comfort to others. Again, thanks so much for telling me your stunningly incredible story.
Hope and peace,
Tom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, you may post my email to your website. To answer your question about Tim, his neurosurgeon refers to him as his “poster child” for miracles really do happen. Following his lengthy hospitalization, we were told that he would never be fully functional again & it would be easier on all of us if we just accepted the fact that he would never be able to walk, talk or be a contributing member of our family. I deemed that to be unacceptable and forbid the medical staff to relay any of their recovery opinions or projections to Tim. They were not too happy with me, however I just knew he would recover. I couldn’t explain my feelings. I just knew it. He had a tremendous will to get better and after amazingly hard work he is almost fully recovered. The only residual deficits that remain to this day are, complete numbness on his left side, double vision and a shunt in his head. He has adapted to the numbness and despite a few unsuccessful surgical interventions to correct his vision issues, he is doing well.
He works full time selling for a local manufacturer. That’s the bill paying part of his life. Music has always been Tim’s passion, and contributed in a large part of his recovery. He is the co-director of our church Celebration service and has just instituted a Saturday evening Jazz Service that is held once a month at Our Savior’s Lutheran. He serves on the Worship & Music Board, is on a task force to investigate contemporary forms of worship and plays in the Dean Moriarty Jazz Band. Interesting note, that following his surgeries his music writing became prolific. I attached a few links below of some of his musical stuff. He is the bass/guitar player.
Again, thank you for your willingness to share your insights on living, grief, and the healing that accompanies shedding tears. Not too many people are comfortable sharing the very human part of pain that we universally feel when a loss is encountered.
As I write these words, it’s really Friday the 17th. I will post this on my website tomorrow - Saturday - when I return home from a 7-day Carribean Cruise.
Right now, I am sitting on the balcony of my room on the Oasis of the Sea, the largest cruise ship in the world ~ 5 times larger than the Titanic. (Yes, that Titanic.)
Believe me, I did not plan this trip. (Well...perhaps on some energetic level???)
A great friend of mine won this trip in a poker tournament. A few weeks ago, when I learned over lunch that his wife would not be able to go with him...I said, “And you didn’t ask me to go with you?”
You’d really consider going?
“In a heartbeat,” I replied. “I’ve never been on a cruise, and I can’t think of a better time to go.”
Here I am. An incredible place to be.
And I have been in a very different place, too. A place that may be very similar to the place you are in right now. One week from Christmas. Following the death of someone you love dearly.
I have been in a similar place, not once, not twice, but three different times.
Christmas is a really “big” time for me.
My daughter Erin was due on Christmas Eve 1988. She waited until January 2, 1989 to show us her perfectly beautiful face.
I remember our first Christmas with her (our only, actually) and our first without her physically present.
And our first with her brother Rory...such a mix of emotions. Thankful for one to hold and physically aching for the one we could not.
And the string of “new normal” Christmas’ with Rory and Sean. Like everybody else. Kind of.
And Trici’s last Christmas. A perfect Christmas she told me.
And the next one. When I was learning how to become the mother and the dad. To Rory and Sean. Creating Christmas for them. Wishing I could crawl inside a hole ~ for me.
And a second new normal. The three of us. Tom, Rory and Sean. New dreams. New hopes. Trusting again. Slowly.
And then Christmas of 2004. Undoubtedly it would be Rory’s last. In his beautiful body. And I bought him the most recent Michael Crichten book anyway. Knowing he could not read it...due to the effects of the stroke. But not giving up. Hope.
And then creating new normal #3. Me and Sean. And the dogs.
I have been in a place that may be similar to the place you are in now. Or have been recently.
And I promise you that it is possible to crawl your way out. Into the light. Again. Or for the first time.
It is possible.
I have been smiling this entire week. I am in awe of the majesty and the beauty of this vessel. Of the people who work on it. Of the people from all over the world who are enjoying it with me.
I am in awe of life ~ again.
And I promise you that the same can be true of you. With intention and gratitude and focused effort.
It is possible.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Friday, December 17, 2010
Living With the Holidays
Day 46
One week from today is Christmas Eve. One way or another that day will come and that day will go. Christmas will follow. As will the 26th. And the 27th.
The decisions you make today, along with the intentions you set and focused action you take will color the way you experience these upcoming days. It has to. It can’t not be that way. If you haven’t taken a look at my “Ten Things You Can Do to Live With the Holidays” now would be a good time to do that. (Double click that phrase to the right of my photo.) If you looked at them awhile ago...look again. You’ve changed since you saw them last.
What will you consciously decide to do to engage with the holidays? If you think it might make you feel better to find a way to bring your loved one who has died into the family gathering this year...how will you do that?
There’s still time to suggest that everyone who will be together on the 25th start today to create memory slips ~ strips of paper where each day, beginning today, you write down a wonderful memory of the person you love that died. What is a memory that only the two of you shared? What was his favorite ___________? Remember when she would always __________? Or just sit in chair, stare at a photo and allow a great memory to surface. (It’s okay if you cry. Crying is healthy.) On Christmas, have everyone in the family place their memory slips in a basket...and after dinner pass them out and let each person present read one out loud. And then take turns each reading another. Set time aside to let one memory trigger another and then another. No rush. Go with it...
What else can you do?
How about giving everyone at the holiday gathering a significant ornament this year? Select something that is immediately identified with the person who died. This could become an annual tradition and a wonder way to speak his name. A wonderful way to keep her life front and center. A way to introduce them to the next generation.
Perhaps you’re doing something uniquely your own. I’d love for you to share your activity in my Guestbook. I know others would benefit. Helping others heal is healing...for you.
Be sure you are taking care of yourself, too during these upcoming days. Schedule a massage. A walk with a good friend...where you can actively mourn if you want...or just walk in silence ~ together. Schedule a cup of coffee with someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Go to a movie. Sleep. Sit in a favorite chair. Laugh. Cry. Do it with focused action.
“I am healing. I am healing. I am healing.”
Do it if you don’t believe that. If you can’t feel it. Do it.
There is no right or wrong. There is pain and less pain. Peace and more peace. What are you creating for your self? With each breath you take...what are you creating?
Hope and peace,
Tom
Wednesday, December 15
Living With the Holidays
Day 44
More from ~
Susan W. Reynolds developed her innovative system by combining interior redesign principles with grief recovery methods.
She is a consultant to hospices on how interior design can help clients feel comfortable and safe.She speaks at bereavement groups to teach her methods to people who have suffered loss and helps those in grief visualize how small changes in their surroundings can result in big changes in attitude.
Her new book, Room For Change: Practical Ideas For Reviving After Loss is available on Amazon.com and through her website @ www.revivalredesign.com. Simple transformations can help create fresh perspectives. From the kitchen to the bedroom, from the car to your return into the world, this book will help you take a new look at how your spaces can support and inspire you.Please share with her your success stories!
Creating a Fresh Palette and Perspective In Your Space
The new year dawns. Fresh starts. Newly formed commitments. Anticipation and hope of greater, grander or simply a gentler existence.
In and through grief, the past wafts by us unexpectedly with its pleasures and its challenges. The new year brings for us a time to reassess which things to carry along with us , which outlooks in our mind and which outlooks in our surroundings.
Working with therapists and life coaches the emphasis lies in changing the inside thoughts to bring changes to the outer side of life. I have also found that sometimes the reverse can spur me onward, that is; tweaking my environment can help me tweak my mind set and then my goals, hopes, focus and energy . Think about a sunny warm day with a gentle breeze vs pelleting rain and a stormy wind on your face. Simple change yet it may create huge change in your mind set and experiences.
Loss of a loved one may be overlaid with loss of relationships, loss or change in your health or economics, loss of dreams and loss of hopes. How can this daunting change be beneficial? What can you do within your space to assist you through change? Why even try to change?
Benefits of Change
Decrease fear of the unknown
Develop skills and talents that lie dormant
Create unexpected opportunities
Healthy for body, mind and spirit
Along with change comes attachment. Attachment is not good or bad . It is something that is. How you use the attachment to ideas or things can become the catapult into a more peaceful and growth fulfilling place or a tormented and retracted existence.
I have done both with trepidation, changing something I felt was dramatic and holding onto something that brought me no joy any longer. I am now finding that things are not memories, stuff is not filled with love and change can be done in small ways that can support me where I am now.
What does this mean for you and others within loss and grief. Small changes can create great changes in perspective and it can start within your home.
Basic Bones for Your New Palette
Function- Do the items in your room service you in comfort, mobility and visual
pleasure? Or do you grumble every time you sit in that chair or not even use the room because it is non functional for your lifestyle these days?
Safety- This may include distance between items and placement, visual ease to find and remember ( refine number of items ), obstacles such as electric cords or sufficient lighting for tasks.
Things that you absolutely love or that are absolutely useful. I look for items that are multifunctional and be changed over for seasons.
The elements that are layered upon the Bones of your new palette and great space include;
Lighting
Color
Aromas
Sounds
Meditative Motion
Enough above design technique and more about you. What does this mean for you?
Ask yourself a few of the following questions.
Where do I gravitate to these days? Are there any rooms I am not using? How do I feel when I enter the house? Is my home a haven for me and a place to refuel? What is the focus within my space? ( overladen counters or a fresh vase of white flowers).
With loss and adaptation to the change associated with it, it is important to have a spot for yourself with the things you. It might me a corner with a reading chair, blanket and phone close by. It might be the kitchen table , now being used for scrap booking instead of eating.
This might be a time when you change bedrooms and try out the guest room or buy new sheets for your old bed. What is the worst thing that can happen? You can change back again. An unused closet can be turned into a desk area for your computer by adding a writing surface and grabbing a chair from another room that fits you perfectly.
What color speaks to you these days? One of the least expensive ways to freshen a space is paint or you could purchase yourself a new pair of red sneakers! Look to color to enliven your space and you.
Remember the smell of your grandma’s cologne? Remember the smell of Christmas morning. Those were all created once upon a time, in an instant. Now is the time to look to see what you can create and decide what ones to continually incorporate in your daily life. My late husband only used white dial soap, so we had white dial soap. After his death I was still buying white dial soap. I did not even think about what fragrance or texture I might to linger and in the shower. I went for Zest and now I go for whatever is cheapest! Allow personalization and new memories will be created and cherished by you and others.
As with personalization of color , sounds can be irritable , neutral or soothing. In grief, how you perceive sounds may have changed. What music do you like to listen to now? What daily sounds irritate you? Do you love the quiet or are you finding white noise of comfort? Assess what resonates with you and place a bit of it in your home,your car or work. I found that music without lyrics was soothing for me and that I also gravitated to drumming rhythms. This too can change. Nothing is static in supporting you and your environment.
Meditative motion is a phrase I coined. For me, they are the “things” that move onward without my volition. It is the birds in flight around my bird feeder or the tick of the clock. It is the silk butterflies that are hung over my living room air duct and dance when the heat or air conditioning comes on. It is the drone of the television, without my commitment to understand or respond. It is the crystal hanging in the window that daily surprises me on the rainbow laden wall for a few minutes.
There is room for change within your home, with what you already own. There is room for change within you, with what you already are. Take small steps in change to support yourself. Treat yourself as a guest in your own home. You are worth it and you deserve it. What would you do for a guest today?? Do it for yourself instead. All the details will fall in place.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Living With the Holidays
Day 43
Get a piece of paper and a pen. Find a quiet, comfortable place. On the top of the sheet of the paper write "Dear (enter your name)," On the bottom write "Love, (enter the name of the person you love that has died).
Fill in the middle.
As we get closer and closer to Christmas...what does the person you love that has died want to say to you? Don`t edit anything. Simply write and write and write till you are finished.
You might be amazed.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Living With the Holidays
Day 41
I’m not quoting exactly here...but it goes something like, “Perhaps they are holes in heaven that enable our loved ones to look down on us...”
The other one that seems to making the rounds lately goes something like, “I wish there was a phone in heaven...”
Really?
Where do you think heaven is? When you think it is “up there” --- really far away, how does that make you feel? To believe that your loved one, your spouse, your child, your parent, your friend is “up there, really far away, and if there were only a phone...”
I thought “we” believed that when we died we entered the presence of God. So --- where exactly does this God you believe in reside? Far, far away? Up there? If only we had a phone so we could speak to him/her/it/they?
Our pain is caused by the conscious and/or unconscious beliefs we cling to.
It’s not what happens to us...it’s our thoughts and beliefs about what has happened to us that cause us pain - over and over again.
Who would you be - today - if you decided to believe that God is everywhere? That the God you believe in is so unbelievable HUGE and almighty and powerful that there is simply no where that he/she/it/they could not be? Who would you be?
No phone required to connect to heaven or this “new” God.
And...who would you be --- today...,as we approach Christmas, if you decided to believe that the person you love that has died...is indeed, in the presence of this very powerful, all-encompassing, all-knowing, all-loving God?
Who would you be?
If you believed that not only is God gently,lovingly holding you in the very palm of his hand. But now the person you love, that has died, is holding you, too.
It can’t be any other way.
Love is that loving.
Consider it. If you can. Today.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Living With the Holidays
Day 40
This has been a real opportunity to practice the art of surrender for me. I have not been able to update this site since I last posted...
Surrender. Some times it is all we can do. Some times it is the best we can. There is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter that I love...the refrain is "resting in the arms of the great wide open." I love those words.
Surrender to exactly what is at this moment.
And rest, if possible.
Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale.
Allow yourself to be held. Acknowledge that you are beig held. Always.
Always.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Tuesday, December 7, 2010 5:32 pm CST
Living With the Holidays
Day 36
“…creating with focused action and intention.”
If you are reading these words ~ there is a part of you that wants to heal.
If I were to meet you on the street and ask you what you are intentionally doing this week to heal, what would your answer be?
Make no mistake about, healing is hard, hard, hard work. It won’t just happen. The saying “time heals all wounds” may sound nice, but in my experience it is simply not true. It’s what you do with the time that will determine whether or not healing takes place.
Some of us have been on this Journey since November 1st. I have provided you with many, many ways can you actively participate in the transformation that awaits. Tangible, doable ways. Ways to ignite the transformation that may give some meaning to the death of the person you love so much.
Go back and reread some of my entries. You are different now. Your eyes are different. Your heart is different. Nothing stays the same. Ever.
Perhaps something “new” will speak to you tonight.
Be open.
Listen.
Feel.
Act. With focus and intention.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, December 6, 2010 2:21 pm CST
Living With the Holidays
Day 35
On November 22nd and 23rd I shared information from my friend Jennie about the seemingly simple act of breathing. If you haven’t read those two entries...I suggest you go back and take the time to do that. Jennie is a yoga teacher trained in the Iyangar method. She owns the Pranayama Yoga Studio in downtown Rockford (www.yogarockford.com). She knows what she’s talking about.
Here is some more information that Jennie shared with me.
Practice breathing with intention. Set the intention to heal. Beginning today. With each breath. If you are ready.
Simple Practices:
Take time to just pay attention: The first step in controlling the breath is to first know what it does on a regular basis. First just taking 5 minutes out of your day to pay attention to the breath while lying down or sitting in a quiet place can lead you to a better understanding of your breathing habits. Do you tend to hold your breath? Is the inhale or the exhale longer or shorter? Does one side of the body fill faster or slower? This will increase your ability to focus, but also give you some needed information on how the breath might be affecting your emotional and mental states throughout the day.
Focus on the breath itself: Once you find that you can sit quietly for a while and concentrate on your breath, lengthening and encouraging this process is the next step. Get in a comfortable position (sitting is preferable here so you don’t fall asleep). Bring your focus to the nose, nostrils, and upper lip and begin to feel the inhale coming in and the exhale going out. Just merely being aware of the inhale and the exhale will begin to quiet and focus the mind. The mind will wander, but do not get frustrated. Just come back to the breath whenever you notice the mind has wandered and continue.
Lengthen the Exhale First: The first actual Pranayama technique that we learn is the lengthening of the exhale while lying down. It is a way to quiet our attention inward from our usual external awareness and distraction. Plus, it relaxes the abdomen where we carry a lot of tension and allows for more movement of breath up into the chest cavity where it belongs. Once you lengthen the exhale you will notice that your inhale become deeper naturally and with less agitation.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, December 5, 2010 8:12 am CST
Living With the Holidays
Day 34
The ultimate lesson all of us have is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”
~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
“She would want you to be happy. Try and smile for her. Come to the party”
“Do it for him. He doesn’t want you to be sad. Put up the tree.”
“Remember how he loved Christmas? His brothers and sister deserve the same joy. ‘Do’ Christmas for them.”
All (most) are well-intentioned and well-meaning directives from people who think they know what is best for you. Some of them from folks trying to use your dead loved one to guilt-trip you into doing what they want you to do. So they can feel comfortable.
You are the only one that knows what you need to heal this holiday season. You.
I promise you ~ the people we love that have died aren’t affected one way or the other by what we do in our “Earth suits.”
Of course, they want us to heal. Of course, they want us to learn how to love our self unconditionally, which is why they were born in the first place – and why we were born as well. But do they care if we “go the party, put up the tree, ‘do’ Christmas like we always did?”
No. No. No.
Their death (and, of course, their life) gives us one of our greatest opportunities to learn to love our self.
Go to the party. Put up the tree. Create Christmas for your kids … but only, if in doing so, you are taking care of your self. You are loving your self. Don’t do it because you “should.” Don’t abandon yourself.
Or do…
And if you do, be thankful for the opportunity it gives you (always) to learn why maybe next time you will NOT abandon yourself.
In the end, it’s too painful. And you are reading these words because you want to bring peace into your life…not pain.
Hope and peace, Tom
Saturday, December 4, 2010 7:04 am CST
Living With the Holidays
Day 34
In this morning’s “Carolyn Hax” advice column Carolyn wrote:
“And while survivors do eventually emerge from the pool of tears, they still get caught off-guard sometimes, miss the person so much it aches sometimes, relive the pain as if it were yesterday sometimes.
Your memories and depth of feeling are the foundation of empathy, and empathy is your gift to the people you welcome into your life.”
I like that. It rings true for me.
Three weeks from today is Christmas morn.
How are you feeling? What are you feeling? If you have been on this Journey since November 1st … are you any different as a person? As a person who is learning to live with the loss of someone you love?
1. Do you have a clear intention for WHY you are on this Journey? (if you don’t know where you want to go…how will you know when you get there?
2. Are you faithfully keeping a Gratitude Journal? Every night?
3. Are you taking/making time to be with your self at least 5 minutes a day? If you continue to run from your life from “staying busy” how will you make peace with it?
4. Remember the breathing exercise?
It’s the weekend. Remember the exercise I suggested you do a few Saturdays ago? Lighting a candle. Putting a flower in a vase placed in a very visible place? It’s snowing where I am…so. Perhaps the flower is now an evergreen branch cut from a bush. The objective is to place something in your path…that pulls you into the present moment when you see it…frequently throughout the day.
Healing takes place in the present moment. Not the past. Not the future.
The present.
If you are out shopping today buy an amaryllis bulb. Even if, especially if, you have no green thumb. All you need do is water the thing.
Place the potted bulb in a really visible place. The kitchen perhaps. Put it in the room you spend the most time in.
The amaryllis is life. It’s alive. In order for it to continue to live…and reach its potential…conditions must be right. You control and affect its conditions.
If you’re not familiar…you will be surprised that the amaryllis will grow right before you eyes. They are available in white, red, pink, and many combinations of those colors. Buy a few. Give them as gifts to friends who are grieving this season.
If you have kids…care for the bulb as a family.
In his book The Power of Intention Wayne Dyer writes:
“A tiny acorn with no apparent power to think of make plans for its future contains intention…If you cut the acorn open, you won’t see a giant oak tree, but you know it’s there. An apple blossom in the springtime appears to be a pretty little flower, yet it has intent built into it and will manifest in the summer as an apple. Intention doesn’t err. The acorn never turns into a pumpkin, or the apple blossom into an orange. Every aspect of nature, without exception, has intention built into it, and as far as we can tell, nothing in nature questions its path of intent. Nature simply progresses in harmony from the field of intention. We, too, are intended from the energy of this field.”
You are the amaryllis.
As you care for it. You care for you.
As you witness its growth…at a cellular level you open to your own growth. To the intention that is you…waiting, wanting, willing, wondering when you will say yes to it.
Today?
Hope and peace, Tom
Friday, December 3, 2010 7:18 am CST
Living With the Holidays Day 33
Dream come true = "knowing" acknowledged, honored and acted upon.
On Monday, December 6th at 3:00 pm CST I will be interviewed for one hour on 11:11 Talk Radio. The show has 40,000 listeners. 40,000. I will be in the company of past interviewees: Iyanla Vanzant, Julia Cameron, Michael Bernard Beckwith, Sylvia Brown, and Colin Tipping. This is the intention I set when I hired the Howard Marketing Group in September. To enter this company of authors and teachers. They “got it done” big time. I am grateful.
Yesterday was a “divine” day for me on all accounts.
1. I ran into my son Rory’s best friend Corey and his mom at Kohl’s. Hadn’t seen them in a long time. Was able to bring them up to speed on my getting-the-book-published efforts, show them the 2:22 photo from LaGuardia airport via my cell phone and show them new pix of Sean, who “done growed up since they saw him last.”
2. I ran into Joy at the Hilander. Joy is Jake’s mom. Jake’s was one of Rory’s friends from school, too. Joy is one of those people (I know many of you have experienced this) who moved towards me after Rory died. We had lunch and coffee and she listened mostly, while I talked, in the weeks and months following his death. Joy is one of those angels on earth. Rory’s death didn’t frighten her so much that she moved away from me…like so many did.
3. And I bumped into another woman I met through my friend Tracy’s death in May. Her dad died 11 years ago…in late December 1999…about a year after Trici died. Her mom is struggling. We had a great conversation, part of which I will
share:
We will always have a relationship with the people we love that have died. Always. Don’t kid yourself into believing that isn’t true. It is.
You will decide if that relationship is healthy or unhealthy. If it brings you pain or peace. You will decide that.
It is perfectly okay to create a ritual where you consciously choose to connect with the person you love that died. This is not unhealthy. You are not “weird” or “going crazy.”
This is what I suggested to my friend. Select a really comfortable chair. Maybe a rocking chair, if you have one. Light a candle if you are a candle-lighting sort. Hold a belonging of the person you love that died. A sweater. A favorite toy. Wear their hat. If he/she had a signature scent – a perfume or cologne…spray a bit of that to “set the stage.” Have their favorite music playing in the background.
Now settle into the chair. Exhale. Allow yourself to be held.
Invite them in. Welcome them.
Breathe. Allow. Notice. Be. Surrender. Feel.
You might cry. Yeah!!! This is good. You might not. That’s okay, too.
Listen. With your body. With your heart. With your being.
What are they saying to you? What are saying to them?
Thank them.
Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat again and again.
Practice makes perfect and improves your ability to connect.
Try it. When and if you are ready. Let me know how it goes at tom@tomzuba.com or in the Guestbook.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Thursday, December 2, 2010 8:48 am CST Living With the Holidays
Day 32 If you are new to my site, please follow me on Facebook by clicking the FB icon next to my photo above. You can also follow me on Twitter @ TomZuba. About a year ago I received an email from Susan telling me about a fascinanting book she was writing. The other day I heard from her again. The book is finished and available on Amazon.con and at her website. I ordered mine and can`t wait to receive it tomorrow! I asked her to write somethig for those of us on the Journey. Here it is. Many thanks!!!
Susan W. Reynolds developed her innovative system by combining interior redesign principles with grief recovery methods.
She is a consultant to hospices on how interior design can help clients feel comfortable and safe.She speaks at bereavement groups to teach her methods to people who have suffered loss and helps those in grief visualize how small changes in their surroundings can result in big changes in attitude.
Her new book, Room For Change: Practical Ideas For Reviving After Loss is available on Amazon.com and through her website @ www.revivalredesign.com. Simple transformations can help create fresh perspectives. From the kitchen to the bedroom, from the car to your return into the world, this book will help you take a new look at how your spaces can support and inspire you.Please share with her your success stories!
Room For Change: Reviving Your Holidays
As a widow , I continually try to be positive in the changes and growth that have emerged in my widowhood. Attending bereavement sessions around the holidays, I hear and see the word, "surviving".
Surviving to me connotes, a time of languish, a sacrifice and an insurmountable endurance. Most of us experiencing loss have felt fleeting moments of such, but then again we may find a single bright moment that leads the way to hope and renewal and even revival on this grief journey.
Holidays not only suggest shopping as with birthdays, Hanukkah and Christmas, but also include decorating, baking and traditional activities. Weaving new into old and old into new is what our life journey entails. How can you weave yours with what treasured memories and traditions speak to you and your loved ones?
Shopping: Keep it simple. Maybe this is a year that you exchange gift certificates only and plan a family trip or excursion after the holiday. Maybe this is a time when you ask others to do the shopping for you. Be kind to yourself. Relish holidays as a time of energy conservation and renewal rather than the have to`s of past years.
Gifting of memories: I am not the best seamstress but I have friends that are talented in that arena. They could create a small quilt, a Christmas tree skirt, a table runner or even holiday place mats from your loved ones old clothes. It is a way of purposeful renewal and memory. Men`s ties can be especially beautiful in a tree skirt as their shape flares out. Mom`s old costume jewelry can be hot glued to inexpensive picture frames for gifts to family members and even used to adorn a Styrofoam ball and hung with a ribbon from the tree. Memories will remain. Using items gives them renewal and a sense of moving forward with honor.
Barter: This word may appear harsh but often in grief we know what we have in the way of items and "stuff" but don`t know how to relinquish and to whom. Think about trading or bartering your extra tools for " x number " of handyman hours. Think about trading your lawnmower for lawn care for a year or your snow plow for plowing. Relinquishing an item does not mean it cannot come back into your space, but it can allow space for other things to come in and other activities that may be burdensome to you now. Remember holidays are about giving and giving to yourself is just as important as giving to others.
Decorating: This may be a year when the tree gets a little smaller or all the decorations are not put up. This may be a year when you ask a friend to adorn a wreath for you and you go on a citywide light walk instead of putting your lights up. This may be a year, when you are not the " hostess with the mostess" and visit someone else or even go on a cruise. My first year of widowhood I picked out a fresh palette of inexpensive ornaments for my tree. My first year of widowhood I did not bake and decorate the gingerbread houses, my daughter did. My first year of widowhood I did not stay home. Did it help? I do not remember, but it did help me realize that everything did not have to be the same way in order to cushion the void I was experiencing.
Aromas and Baking: The holiday season conjures up sights and sounds and smells. What speaks to you? What smells remind you of great childhood memories? What supports you? If you love the smell of evergreens, buy yourself a beautiful soy candle or bring in some pine cones seasoned with cinnamon and nutmeg. My grandmother`s recipe for poppy seed strudel was a tradition and my favorite. My father, now deceased and I loved it. Grandma has also passed away but her recipe and her handwriting of the recipe linger. Have a friend , who wants to do something special for you, make a favorite recipe. Not only will you be nurtured with food but also memories. Putting spices into a crock pot to simmer, can create another avenue of creating memories. Add what spices or fruit that appeals to you now.
Holiday Cards: If someone sent me a card, I felt guilty that I did not send them one. I was too exhausted and "low" to respond during my first years of widowhood. I did respond in another way. The cards piled up during the holidays. Beginning January 1st, I pulled one from the basket each day and said a prayer for that family and gratitude for their outreach. In grief, in life, it all takes time. Give yourself time to allow for your unique gifts to unfold. ( I have even thought about sending Valentine cards instead, but never have done it. Let me know if that fits the bill for you!)
Outreach to Others: I found that giving to strangers during the holidays, sparked a gratitude that was hard to access in my loss. I envisioned the foster sisters that would open the gifts I sent. Receiving a photo and thank you note a month later I was not far off! I remembered the Christmas I received my Polly Play Pal doll , when everyone told me the large gift was an ironing board for my mom and hoped that the burlap bag with my untidy red yarn embroidery would keep them in wonderment for a while. I remembered the first warm reversible ski jacket I got as a gift and even remember the pattern and hoped that what I picked out for the Angel Tree family would be as warming and fun.
Reviving your holidays, bringing a little something new to the old, is what makes other beautiful traditions awaken. Remembering yourself, by placing yourself in a place of support is all that is required. Remember the magic and weave a small bit of change into your celebrations.
Again, thanks Susan! Hope and peace, Tom
Wednesday, December 1, 2010 7:46 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 31
It’s possible that you perceived yesterday`s entry to be harsh. Did you?
How dare I suggest that your loved one shouldn’t have died. That life is fair. That you don’t have every right and even deserve to suffer.
I’ve chosen to believe author Byron Katie when she says that “You are the one who can end your suffering. You are the teacher you’ve been looking for.”
What I’ve experienced is that most folks out there – in an attempt to deal with you – will ultimately minimize what you have lived through. Most are not willing to feel…much of anything…and will certainly not try to walk a mile in your shoes (or even a half-block). Too painful. Your pain may (will) bring up their pain…and they do anything and everything they can to not feel that. Most will rationalize so they can live with themselves, and their unwillingness to accompany you, to listen to you, to be with you.
They end up in a “it’s not really that bad” place when they consider your new life.
So…that leaves you with you.
I’m suggesting that you use Byron Katie`s WORK to identify beliefs that are causing you pain and suffering and then you can begin to ask yourself:
Is it true?
Is it 100% true?
Am I absolutely certain that what I believe is true?
All you have to do is lean into that question. Is what I believe to be true - true?
The Universe will rise up and do the rest.
Hope and peace, Tom
Tuesday, November 30, 2010 Living With the Holidays Day 30
1:51 pm CST
Exciting. I`ll be live tonite on "Robin Craig...Live Tuesdays" from 9:00-10:00pm CST. You can listen via the Internet. Go to www.robincraigdirect.com and click the icon in the right hand corner that says "Watch Join me on my LIVE web show." Please share this with your FB friends. I know the holidays are starting to hit folks hard and this may be the connection they need tonite.
Monday, November 29, 2010 6:55 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 29
I love this idea and believe it holds so much promise of transformation and healing.
Beginning today…the real countdown to Christmas - commit as a family to welcoming happy, peaceful, joy-filled memories and thoughts about the people you love that have died. Welcome them every day. Look for them throughout your day. Your immediate family can commit to this. Your extended family. Or that family that is you. You know, the family you see when you look in the mirror.
Cut up strips of paper, or note cards. Put these in a visible place in your home, in your office, by your bed. Every time a thought, a memory, an anecdote, a “special sign” pops up … write it down. Now. Before you forget it.
At the end of the day, or when you are able, put your “memory slips” in a family basket, or bowl, or some sort of special container.
When the family gathers for the holidays…each family that participated brings their special container and mixes all the memory slips together.
Some time during the family gathering, everyone gathers in a circle. Pass the special container around the circle and everyone takes one memory slip. Keep the container circulating until all the slips are gone.
Now that fun, healing and transformation begins in earnest. Each person gets a turn to read one of the slips they picked. Allow time for more reflection. More comments. More details. More memories. Even maybe some tears.
At the end of this experience, save all the memory slips. Perhaps someone in the family is into scrapbooking and could archive the memories of 2010... to sit aside the memories of 2011, and 2012.
By creating this family ritual…you are changing the way you and your family “color” your experience of living with death.
You are encouraging and embracing and allowing and honoring mourning to take place.
You are creating sacred space.
You are healing and transforming.
You are being reborn.
You are entering Christmas.
Hope and peace, Tom
Sunday, November 28, 2010 7:46 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 28
Thanks to everyone who posted in the Guestbook. If you haven`t read the posts, I encourage you to do so. As you read...pay attention to what you feel. Remember that you are not your feelings. And feelings have a beginning, middle and end. Try to observe your feelings. Allow.
Hope and peace, Tom
Friday, November 26, 2010 7:15 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 26
What now?
The day after.
One of the intentions I set when I embarked on this Virtual Journey with you was to create community.
Mourning – “going public” with our grief is a path to healing. If you’re somewhat new to this site and haven’t taken a look at two short vides (about 3 minutes each, if I remember correctly) regarding grief and mourning I encourage you to do so.
In order to create community, I need to hear from you. I am grateful to the brave souls who have emailed me directly or posted in the Guestbook. I understand that posting there can be intimidating, frightening and scary. Rest assured, you have the option of posting anonymously. No one, including me, needs know who you re…so you can test the waters. I’ve been told that the 2nd post is easier than the first…and the third easier still.
There is healing in allowing yourself to be “seen.” My hunch is you will be met with love and understanding and acceptance.
So…what now, the day after Thanksgiving? Take some quiet time today and ask yourself these questions. Remember to set aside time to listen for the answers too.
1. Did you survive?
2. Was the anticipation worse than the actual day?
3.Did you make a conscious decision to say “yes” to something or someone with the intention of creating more peace in your life? If so…how did that go?
4.Did you make a conscious decision to say “no” to something or someone with the intention of creating more peace in your life? If so…how did that go?
5.Will this experience with Thanksgiving color your anticipation of Christmas? If so…how?
6.Is there one thing you could have done differently? If so…what is that?
I’m hoping you have read the recent posts in the Guestbook. I think it’s helpful to get a chance to take a closer look at another person’s experience with grief.
If you can…If you would…please post your response to one (or more) of the above in the Guestbook. If you have trouble doing that…let me know at tom@tomzuba.com and I can help you.
It’s time to build community.
If not now, when?
Hope and peace, Tom
Wednesday, November 24, 2010 Living With the Holidays Day 24
5:30 pm CST I know there are many (most) who really don’t know the details of my story. One of my goals in my own healing is to have no aspects of the experience…no details…that are off limits, to me. I don’t want the experiences I’ve lived though, and now live with, to have that kind of control/power over me.
Six years ago today, November 24, 2004, my sister Mary drove into a cold, blustery, windy, rainy, snowy Chicago to bring me and Rory home to Rockford, IL from our week+ stay at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago. We were transferred there from Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago after Rory had his brain-surgery-turned-into-removal-of-his-left-temporal-lobe which resulted in the diagnosis of brain cancer. Terminal brain cancer, they said.
He also had a stroke during surgery – most probably caused by the slip of the surgeon’s wrist or finger – a fact it took my days to comprehend. They kept referring to the stroke by its medical name and I had no idea what they were talking about. So, we transferred to RIC for therapy to help him regain functions after the stroke.
While in Chicago, my brother David created a Caringbridge site for us. That site became my lifeline for the next year-plus and the inspiration for this site.
This is my 2nd Caringbridge entry posted 6 years ago today. I’m posting it with no edits or corrections giving you some idea of my state of mind:
Wednesday, November 24, 2004 7:10 AM CST
It`s 7:10 am and Rory is soundly sleeping in his hospital bed ...i should say rehab bed....for the last time....because WE ARE GOING HOME TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is the 1st night in over 2 weeks that no oneis prodding or poking him...so his body gets to rest naturally...how many hours of sleep do you think a normal 13 year old boy needs? if i remember correctly...upwards of 15 or so????
Originally, they said we would be here 4-5 weeks for inpatient rehab.....but rory`s progress has been so remarkable...they are letting us leave after ONE WEEK...how`s that for a miracle? I couldn`t believe my ears when i heard the news at Monday`s conference...nor could rory. monday night we went to The Rosebud on Rush w/aunt jeannine to celebrate...to Virgin records for CDs, Barnes and Nobles -- where rory about freaked me out when he road the escalator UP by himself....( i am being overprotective, here, i know)...and then to Ghiradeli`s for ice cream....last night rory i walked..i walked, he was in the wheelchair all the way down michigan avenue to the river...crossed the bridge and came back north...it is gorgeous.....we had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe..rory`s choice...we had a blast and i tried not to embarrass rory too much w/my outdated dance moves.
we love hearng from you..so please continue to send us your words, thoughts, prayers, energy..etc.
we will be having all of treatments in rockford so we can be home with sean who we miss so much...and be surrounded by family and friends...and new friends.
i am going to create a really comprehensive treatment plan for rory combining the best of western, eastern and alternative methods...the universe has already put such wonderful people in our lives...like jassmine - who does accupuncture at edgebrook - avalon body works.
so i am thankful we are going home...and that we will be w/our whole family for thansgiving. last night when we were walking we could see the almost full moon. it was so beautiful....we are going home.
tom
And here is a column that ran in the Chicago Tribune, written by Mary Schmich that Sunday before Thanksgiving. It was the first of three columns she’d write telling our story.
Thankfulness deepens through pain of grief November 21, 2004|By Mary Schmich.
One recent 4 a.m. Tom Zuba was in bed when a branch slapping a window startled him awake. Or was it a burglar? God forbid it was one of his kids, two boys he`d been raising alone since his wife died.
Zuba lay there in the dark, a 47-year-old man who needed his sleep, wishing that whatever it was would stop. It didn`t.
He doesn`t remember getting there, but suddenly he was in the harsh light of his 13-year-old son`s bedroom watching the wide-eyed boy in the bed having . . . having what? A seizure? A stroke?
Rory`s 9-year-old brother, Sean, stood witness in the doorway.
Then 911. The ambulance. The ER. The familiarity of it all. Zuba had made this trip twice before with a member of his family. Twice, the person he loved never made it home.
The first was his 18-month-old daughter, Erin, who got a fever on a Friday morning and was dead by Wednesday. The second was his wife, Trici, who was stricken by a heart attack one night and died soon afterward, on New Year`s Day 1999.
And now Rory. This gangly, sprouting boy with smooth skin and lanky brown hair who played violin and aced tests and had his dad dreaming of him at Harvard or Berkeley.
Rory was the kid Tom had talked Trici into having after Erin died, the kid she discovered she was going to have when she did a home pregnancy test one Thanksgiving.
With his wife gone, Zuba made Rory and Sean his full-time business. He closed his and Trici`s Oak Park public-relations firm and lived on life insurance so he could cook, clean, take the kids to school, partially plug the everlasting hole.
And now Rory, as the doctors eventually figured out, had a brain tumor. A big, voracious cancer. Like a hornet`s nest, said the surgeon who said the tumor had to come out right away but who warned of the menace surgery might trigger in Rory`s brain.
"When they said brain tumor, I practically melted into the wall," said Zuba. It was Friday morning. He was sitting, surrounded by children in wheelchairs and bandages, in the Rehab Institute of Chicago, where he`s been constantly in the week since Rory`s left temporal lobe, though not all the cancer, was removed.
In these slow days, while Rory goes to therapy, sleeps and waits for weeks of radiation, his dad sits and thinks.
Closure? An overrated exercise, he thinks. The point is not to seal off a loss but to find a way to live meaningfully, hopefully with it. And there`s nothing like a new loss to alert you to the live wires of the old ones.
"Grief," he said, "brings up prior grief."
Prayer? He`s unconvinced. If prayer changed outcomes, his daughter would be alive. And his wife. But he does believe we`re all connected, that what happens to each of us affects all of us, and that the more we feel the connection of our humanness, the less we feel at the mercy of a hostile universe.
"It took seven or eight years," he said, "but what Erin`s death did was present me with the opportunity to ask life`s fundamental questions: When people die, do they still exist? If they still exist, where are they? If they`re in heaven, where is heaven? Is there a God?"
He`s traveled through several versions of the answers, and countless variations of rage and terror.
"I`m looking for a shirt that fits," he said. "How do I make this fit so I can be at peace with what`s happening to me in this world?"
Zuba`s friends marvel at the shirt he`s made, at his steadiness, his kindness, his philosophical approach. He`s not so romantic about himself.
Spitting rage hurts, he said, and he doesn`t want to hurt anymore.
"If I`m soft and kind and try to be forgiving," he said, "I`m doing that for myself."
These are thoughts for Thanksgiving. Zuba is apprehensive about his own, and Rory`s. He knows life can happen fast. He`s just grateful that the night he rode with Rory to the emergency room, he didn`t leave alone.
"I left the hospital with a living human being," he said. "I had never done that before. That was my Thanksgiving."
7:25 am CST A reminder that if you click on the “Living With the Holidays” tab by my photo above…you will get to links connecting with two information sheets I’ve creating to help you (and the people that love you) Live With the Holidays. You can print these out by clicking the “print version” on the bottom of each page.
If today is an especially hard day for you remember your mantra can be “I will survive.” If you haven’t written in your Gratitude Journal in a few days (or ever) consider setting some time aside today to that. Gratitude transforms you.
Remember to breathe. Conscious breathing brings you into THIS moment. And while there is pain in the past… and pain when we travel into an unknown future… very few of us are actually feeling pain when we are present. When we are connected to our body-in-this-moment.
It’s okay to say yes.
It’s okay to say no.
It’s okay to say “I don’t know right now.”
It’s all okay.
You know what you need. Nobody else does. You get to decide what is best for you right now.
Be gentle. Go easy.
You will survive. I promise.
Hope and peace, Tom
Tuesday, November 23, 2010 5:28 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 23
More from my friend Jennie (yogarockford.com) about breathing.
Benefits of breathing consciously include:
- Physically: Along with the practice of asana (yoga postures), breathing better can physically open and strengthen external and internal muscles of the entire torso (including the intercostals, spine, heart, lungs, and diaphragm) giving space for the lungs to breathe more deeply (many of us do not fully access all of our lung capacity) and the heart to pump more efficiently. With this comes energy, vitality, and better aerobic ability.
- Mentally: It is said that where the breath is the mind is, and that breath and consciousness are one. Focusing on the breath challenges the mind to new heights of concentration. In the beginning, the mind wanders, making it difficult to stick to it. But, with steady and patient practice, focus sharpens and brings mental freedom and clarity, emotional balance, and general relief from the stress and agitation of life’s ups and downs.
- Emotionally: With a deeper connection to our own breath, we are able to deal more fully with our true emotional state in each moment, without beating it down or ignoring it until later. This is a difficult process and needs to be done with care, but in the end we become stronger and more emotionally able to deal with what life throws our way.
- Understanding Practice:
It is important to remember that because Pranayama techniques harness a much stronger power than many of us understand, it is important to find a qualified guide for further exploration beyond the simple techniques I suggest here,. If the body is not yet healthy and strong, or the emotional state is on the edge, it can do more harm than good to practice outside the realm of simple breath awareness. That said, these simple breath awareness practices still hold a lot of benefit for the average practitioner.
- Parts of the Breath and their meaning:
Inhale: Brings awareness more to the surface and allows a movement of the internal consciousness out to the ego. Energizing and supporting.
- Simple Practice:
Take time to just pay attention: The first step in controlling the breath is to first know what it does on a regular basis. First just taking 5 minutes out of your day to pay attention to the breath while lying down or sitting in a quiet place can lead you to a better understanding of your breathing habits. Do you tend to hold your breath? Is the inhale or the exhale longer or shorter? Does one side of the body fill faster or slower? This will increase your ability to focus, but also give you some needed information on how the breath might be affecting your emotional and mental states throughout the day. All you have today is breathe. In and out. In and out.
I will surive. I will survive. I will surive.
Hope and peace, Tom
Monday, November 22, 2010 1:05 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 22
Those of us of a certain age remember the day John F. Kennedy was shot. the end of a collective innocence.
Be prepared to have the anticipation of Thanksgiving shake you to your core. It might. It might not. Regardless...remember to focus on your breath. breathing occurs in the present moment...the only place healing can occur.
I asked my friend Jennie to share some info about breathing. Jennie is a yoga teacher and owner of Pranaymana Yoga Studio in downtown Rockford. (yogarockford.com).
"When was the last time you actually paid attention to your breath…its movement, its sensation within the body, its depth or shallowness? We all breathe, so we take it for granted that this life-giving task can be our best friend or our worst enemy. It is the one connection that we have to inform us about our emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. If the breath is not stable, then we are not stable, if the breath is not healthy, then we are not healthy. If you connect to your breath, you connect to your most powerful tool of transformation.
In the practice of Yoga, the breath is not just air moving in and moving out, but it is our best connection to the greater energies that surround us and move within us. Yoga calls any practice of breath regulation Pranayama, and it is important to note that prana is not just translated as “breath”, but has an altogether more powerful definition. It is the all-pervading life force that activates the entire universe…it is sun and moon, life and death, creation and procreation, the power of the ocean in each and every atom of each and every thing. Without prana and our connection to the breath we would cease to exist. In learning to harness both through even the most simple of Pranayama practices we align our self with the power, strength, and support of the universe.
The breath can take us from any external agitation to a more peaceful internal awareness. It acts as the bridge from the outward manifestation of the ego to the inward truth of the self. The breath also keeps us in the present moment, where truth and stability reign. Most of the time we are distracted and attached to all things separate from our self, thoughts jump from the past to the future in a matter of seconds creating agitation and emotional turmoil. Connecting to the breath brings you back to the present moment and connects you to your deeper, always complete and quiet internal self.
There are many very practical and wonderful benefits to the practice of Pranayama. From simply watching your own normal breath to some of the more complex regulation techniques, every aspect of the breath can be acknowledged, encouraged, and used in your favor."
Today`s only task is to breathe. Everything else is icing on your cake.
Be gentle, Tom
Sunday, November 21, 2010 2:19 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 21
All that is really required of you today is to allow your self to "be breathe-ed." In and out. In and out. It happens regardless of what you do. Regardless of your awareness. Life loves you THAT much. Life willingly and lovingly breathes you. Allow.
Hope and peace, Tom
Saturday, November 20, 2010 Living With the Holidays Day 20
My friend Jackie posted this on FB today. Her son Jordan died two years ago this past October. Mark is jacki`es husband; Jordan`s dad.
Yesterday was Mark`s birthday. When I was out running errands I heard parents calling after their son, "Jordan." On the radio when I was driving home they mentioned the river, "Jordan." When we went out to dinner last night the featured wine had Jordan in the name. Last night before I went to bed I thanked Jordan for b...eing a part of Mark`s day.
Nancy Draper a new visitor to the site posted this note on my FB fan page (me tie with the red shirt):Thanks to both moms for sharing concrete ways their sons are saying, "I love you and I am with you."If you have a similar story please post in the Guestbook, on my FB page (click the icon next to my picture) or email me at tom@tomzuba.com.
I went to your website and read about why 222 was significant to you! Awesome! One day I was traveling with a friend and saw some beautiful daisies in someone`s garden and remarked "I love daisies." She said are they your favorite flower...? I said no I just enjoy seeing them. The NEXT day we were at the bridge view park at The Mackinaw Bridge and I saw a single "wild" daisy by my foot as I stood by Lake Huron just thinking about how much I missed him. A flower among the rocks on the shore? Then at our family reunion every table in the hall had a vase of daisies. On my birthday Aug 3 - there were 3 small little daisies right by his memorial stone. In the fall I was in my backyard remembering all the times he spent there when I glanced up and along the fence were several wild daisies. With winter coming upon us I am wondering what he will send me now or will Tommy manage to display daisies in the winter?
This morning I noticed I had 222 Facebook messages. My son Rory died on February 22nd – 2-22. One of the ways he lets me know he is right here…is through the numbers 222.
My friend Tracy died in May after living with kidney cancer for 15 years. In my opinion, he was a young man…who chose to live a very FULL life. His high school aged daughter is now learning to live life with the death of her dad.
With Delaney’s permission I share this account:
"I am not the me of yesterday, nor am I the me of tomorrow. I am only the me of the present, living every moment." ~ Delaney Barr
"What has always helped me deal with the loss of my dad is the signs that he sends me. To some people, signs might not seem real, or they believe that you are making it up. Let me tell you right now, they are wrong. I know in my heart that my dad sends me signs when i need them, when something important happens in my life, or just when it seems like he is thinking about me. These always help me get through no matter what i feel like, as long as i choose to accept them. To others in my family, these signs are proof that he is still with us, and i believe this whole heartedly. These signs are just his way of communicating with my family and me.
One of the most monumental signs i have ever seen happened the other day on my grandpa`s 82nd birthday. My cousin and I were driving along the road, running an errand, when we got close to the road that my grandparents live on. That was when i spotted it: a single cloud in the sky with a rainbow on it. This rainbow was only on the cloud, and disappeared everywhere else. I knew right then that that sign wasn`t for me; it was a sign from my dad to my grandpa wishing him a happy birthday. It couldn`t be clearer because the cloud was positioned right over my grandma and grandpa`s house. There was no mistaking this sign, and when i told my grandpa, it made him happy to know that dad was still with us and watching over him.
This sign is only one of the many my father has sent. Whether it is something that seems like he would do, a song on the radio, or something unexpected and surreal that you know only he would send, they all help us through this horrible time. I hope this story can help you in some way, or just make you more aware of those little things around you that could be signs that only you would know."
I firmly believe that the essence of who I am is eternal. I have seen a dead body or two. That which we are … has been released from the physical body. The soul, the spirit, the energy, the essence…leaves. It does not disappear…it transforms.
Look for signs today. Ask for one (or two). Be open.
When you look. Try and really see.
As you listen, try and really listen.
The person you love that has died is literally carrying you…knocking on the door of your heart. Let him in. Tell her she is welcome.
Hold this thought all day today. If you can.
Hope and peace, Tom
Friday, November 19, 2010 11:08 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 19
Wednesday, I was on a local morning television program. I spoke about:
1. The importance of "saying the name" of the person we love that has died.
If anything I said resonates, consider sharing this video with family and friends that you may be sharing the Thanksgiving holiday with.
Remember...you are the teacher you`ve been waiting for.
Hope and peace, Tom
Thursday, November 18, 2010 9:31 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 18
Thanksgiving is one week from today.
Two things to remember:
1.You will survive. Regardless of what you do, Friday the 26th will come and you will still be here. Undoubtedly, the greatest expectations for the day may come from you. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to YOU. You are the only one who really knows what you need. It is okay to say NO to the entire day. It is okay to skip it this year if that feels right. It is also okay to change your mind…often. The “others” will have to understand – if they can. Someone you love has died and you are doing the best you can.
2.It is okay to cry. Don’t allow anyone to try and make you feel guilty or “less than” if you cry. You are not ruining their day. Crying is a normal, healthy, natural response to death. Crying is good for you. If you are lucky enough to be able to cry in the presence of a person that really loves you…you are blessed.
Next to my picture above is a link called “Living With the Holidays.” If you click that you will see a link to my “Living With the Holidays” tips and another to my “10 Tips” informational sheet. Take a look. At the bottom of each page is a tab that allows you to create in a printable format. Consider printing both of those sheets…and share them with family and friends who are working hard to love, support and accompany you through these days and weeks.
Finally, here is a link to my recent television segment.
It’s only 3 minutes…so take a look. Consider sharing this with family and friends. Perhaps I gave voice to something you’d like people to know. As odd as it may sound…you are now the teacher for many. They look to you for instruction on how they and help you.
Hope and peace, Tom
Wednesday, November 17, 2010 9:13 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 17
"We were born with a burning desire to evolve and grow, to open up, to expand and be whole." ~ Debbie Ford
What happened?
Somewhere along the way many (most?) of us lost our way. We were taught to conform. To get along. To be seen and not heard.
We were rewarded over and over again for abandoning ourselves...in school, in church, when we were with family.
Here are a few more points from my "Living With the Holiday" tip sheet.
5. Remember that it’s okay – it’s even healthy – to cry.
6. It’s okay to stay in bed…you will get out, when you are ready and able.
7. It’s also okay to smile or even laugh, a bit. You’re not being disloyal.
Isn`t it amazing that we need to be given permission to cry? Somone we love has died. Death warrants tears. Lots of them. Over and over again. Crying is healing.
I can`t tell you how many times people have said to me, "I just feel like staying in bed." When I ask them if they`ve ever done just that - stay in bed all day...most say NO.
Why not?
I give you permsission to stay in bed. All day. Try it. Sooner or later you will get out. When you can. When you feel like it. When you are ready. Very few people are still in bed.
And remember it`s okay to smile. Smiling does not mean you are being disloyal to the person you love who has died. We often think that`s it`s our sadness, our anger, the totality of our grief that connects us with our loved ones. We fear that if we let of our sadess, or our anger...we`ll lose our connection. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
We will release when we can. Until then...feel it all.
Here is a printable link to of my "Living With the Holidays" tips.
Hope and peace, Tom
Tuesday, November 16, 2010 1:22 pm CST Living With the Holidays Day 16
“The best way to get what we from Life is to first know what it is we really want.” ~ Daily Om
One of the cruelest truths (to me anyway) is Point #3 from my “Living With the Holidays” tips:
3. Don’t expect anyone to mention the person you love who has died by name. Believe it or not, that’s your job.
For the life of my I do not know why this is so difficult for “the others” to comprehend. Time and time again, people who are learning to live with the death of someone they love have said to me, “I don’t want people to forget that he/she was here. The person I love who has died deserves to be remembered…and the relationship I had/have with that person deserves some space.” When no one mentions the name(s) of our dead loved ones…it is painful. Period. It feels to us as if they have been forgotten – pushed aside. Are no longer worth the energy it takes to say their name.
I don’t get it.
So…I have come to conclude that if we don’t want to set ourselves up for pain…we need to take a different approach. That’s where Point #3 was born. Changing the way we act…hoping for a different response from “them.”
People will look to you to determine whether or not it’s safe to talk about the person that died. A few subtle ways to do that:
Serve/bring your deceased loved one’s favorite dish to the holiday get-together – talk about it!
Bring a favorite picture – pass it around. Work it into the dining table centerpiece.
Bring a favorite memento – a book, a poem, a watch, a piece of jewelry – share it after dinner.
Have your loved one’s favorite music playing in the background – tell the story!
If you have the energy. Or if you have a really good friend that wants to help you this Holiday Season…who is wise enough to know that the best gift he/she can give is to accompany you…maybe you can -
4. Plan a special evening for close family and friends when you REMEMBER. Ask everyone to bring a favorite photo and write down a special memory. Set time aside to sit in a circle and share the photos and memories.
This special evening can be sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas perhaps. Or maybe during that “odd” week between Christmas and New Years.
Sit quietly.
Think about it.
See how it feels.
Try it on for size. If it fits --- try it. If it doesn’t fit right now. Move on.
Hope and peace, Tom P.S. If you are in the Rockford area I will be on Channel 13 television again tomorrow morning (Wednesday the 17th) at about 6:15 a.m. CST. I will also be live on Mike Logan’s Blog Radio at 1:00 pm CST.
Monday, November 15, 2010 11:51 am CST Living With the Holidays Day 15
Week 3
If you are just joining us for the Journey. Welcome. Set aside some time to read through the posts I have entered since November 1st.
To maximize your experience, if you are on Facebook, click the FB icon above and “like” my fan page. If you are on Twitter follow me at TomZuba.
It’s important that you set an Intention for this Journey. If you don’t know where you want to go…how will you know when you have arrived?
It is equally important that you write it down. So…
Buy a Journal and notebook. Write down your intention.
I strongly encourage you to begin keeping a Gratitude Journal as well. Write down five things a day that you are grateful for. This act alone will transform you by January 15th. I promise.
So…on the first day of our third week together…with Thanksgiving only nine days away…how are you feeling?
From my “10 Tips for Living With the Holidays” –
1. Remind yourself that you will survive. You will.
Most folks I’ve talked too – in retrospect – say that the days leading up to Thanksgiving (or any important day or event) are worse than the actual day itself. The anticipation can make one’s skin crawl. There seems to be no escape. If you can…each day write down what you are feeling. List your fears. Record your apprehensions. Try to identify what is causing you fear, or apprehension, or anxiety. Write as much as you can – for as long as you can. It’s important to Get. It. Out.
Remember…November 26th will come. Regardless of what you do.
2. Think about what will bring you the most peace this holiday season.
Keeping all traditions in tact?
Tweaking some traditions a bit and adding new ones?
Throwing out all the old traditions and starting new ones?
Flying to Florida and completely skipping the holidays this year? It’s okay to do that.
Now is the time to be proactive. What do you want? What will bring you some peace?
“Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another is Betrayal nonetheless. It is the Highest Betrayal.”
~ Neale Donald Walsch
“We forfeit total self-expression in favor of fitting in with the masses.”
~ Debbie Ford
Only you know what you need to heal. And it may change moment-by-moment. And you may not know right now what you will want to do on Thanksgiving…because it may seem like light-years away…because you are only able to live second-by-second. It’s all okay.
Try not to abandon yourself. Try not to give into the “should,” or guilt, or ‘they would want you to be happy,” or “do it for us,” or “do it for the kids,” or…
You are the teacher you’ve been waiting for. What do you want?
Mark your calendar. Wednesday, November 17th:
I will be live at about 6:15 am with Laura Gibbs on Channel 13 in Rockford.
I will be live again with Mike Logan`s BlogRadio Show for ½ hour at 1:00pm CST.
Hope and peace, Tom
Sunday, November 14, 2010 12:04 pm CST Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 14
Part 1 of my Channel 13 series "Living With the Holidays." It`s only 3 minutes. Take a look. Let me know what it triggers for you at tom@tomzuba.com or post in the Guestbook. click here for Guestbook
Saturday, November 13, 2010 12:43 pm CST Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 13
Spend some time today thinking about these two statements:
1. This year, to create a bit of peace for myself on Thanskgiving, I am going to consciously say YES to the following_____________.
2. This year, to create a bit of peace for myself on Thanskgiving, I am going to consciously say NO to the following_____________.
Visit the Guestbook and share your finished statements. click here for Guestbook You can enetr your name as annonymous if that feels better to you.
If you are on Facebook, "friend" my FB fan page by clicking the FB icon above and share your finished statements in the discussions page.
Hope and peace, Tom
Friday, November 12, 2010 9:00 am CST Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 12
If you have been on this Journey with me since November 1st … and participated in even half of the activities I have suggested … I don’t think it’d be possible for you NOT to feel something. If you’ve read any of the recent entries in the Guestbook … surely you have felt something.
Feeling is good. It’s necessary to heal.
Many (most) of us have been “domesticated” to feel only that which we have been told are appropriate feelings and emotions…like “happy.” We’ve been taught that it’s okay to feel happy. We are rewarded for feeling happy. Even when we pretend. Which so many must do in order to “fit in” at all.
We have to abandon our REAL SELF. Which we do – over and over again. To be included.
So…if you have been with me since November, no doubt feelings and emotions that have been consciously or unconsciously stuffed, repressed, pretended…have now been excavated. They have been released – some of them. And they are begging/wanting to be felt.
Remember…I believe that an understanding of grief, being different from mourning is helpful on this Journey. Take a look:
When we are not able to mourn, mourn, mourn … the energies of grief get stuck in our body. Literally. A person consumed with grief, often looks and feels tight, rigid, brittle, paralyzed.
Body work can help you release grief energy.
This weekend…consider making an appointment with a massage therapist. Or with someone trained in reflexology. Or craniosacrel therapy. Or Reiki. Or you might consider working with acupuncture.
Google “body work” – if you aren’t familiar with any of these modalities. Figure out which one you might be most comfortable with. Make an appointment. Set the intention to heal. Set the intention to release stored grief energy that no longer serves you…with the help of a body worker.
If money is an issue…explain your situation to the practitioner and ask if the body worker has a reduced fee. Ask if you can trade your service/product for their body work.
The holidays – for many – are about gift giving and receiving…let folks know you’d like a gift certificate to a certain body worker.
Body work is another way you can lean into your transformative healing.
If you are ready.
When you are willing.
Hope and peace, Tom
Thursday, November 11, 2010 Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 11
5:39 pm CST
Here is a link to my 3 minute television spot - again, we`re talking about "Living With the Holidays." This is the first of a 3 or 4-part series. Every Wednesday morning.
Let me know what you think/feel after watching it at tom@tomzuba.com
8:30 am CST
Please take 30 minutes and listen to my radio interview "Living With the Holidays." We definately went off-topic, but I think there`s a lot of good info here.
Please let me know what resonates and if you have questions about anything I said. I will be a guest on this BlogRadio Show next Wednesday, November 17th at 1:00 pm CST --- and if you have any questions or issues you`d like me to address I`d be happy to.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010 1:24 pm CST Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 10
Were you able to sit in a chair for 5 minutes yesterday? Could you focus on your breath, which brings you into the present moment (where healing occurs)? Were you able to ask yourself:
"What can I do to make Thanksgiving easier for me this year?”
Did you remember to listen?
If so…what did you hear?
If you didn’t hear anything. Try again.
My friend, Gary Zukav, in his ground-breaking (for me anyway) book The Seat of the Soul writes:
“Remind yourself that you are supported, that you are not going it alone upon this Earth. Dwell in the company of your nonphysical Teachers and guides. Do not discriminate in terms of what you can and should ask and speak about. Just assume and live in the beauty of the bond. Do not fear dependency. What is wrong with being dependent upon the Universe, whether that is your Teachers or Divine Intelligence? You do what you do for yourself and the Universe and your nonphysical Teachers and guides are there in assistance. They will never do it for you. Delight in the dependency. Give your guides and Teachers permission to come closer.
When you ask for guidance and assistance, simply assume that it is immediately pouring forward.”
This is Point 2 from “Living With the Holidays" information sheet:
2. Think about what will bring you the most peace this holiday season.
a. Keeping all traditions in tact?
b. Tweaking some traditions a bit and adding new ones?
c. Throwing out all the old traditions and starting new ones?
d. Flying to Florida and completely skipping the holidays this year? It’s okay to do that.
Thanksgiving is two weeks from tomorrow. You are the boss of you. Don’t abandon yourself. Don’t give your power away.
”What one thing can I do to make Thanksgiving easier for me this year?”
Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 9
Can you – will you – sit in a chair, by yourself, today … with your Gratitude Journal (notebook) by your side … for five minutes?
Set a timer if you like.
Sit in the chair and allow the chair to hold you. It will.
Can you allow yourself to be held? By the chair?
Notice that your body may be tense, tight, restricted.
Can you release? Exhale? Let go? Relax? Even a bit.
For about a minute…close your eyes and focus on your breath. In and out. In and out. In and out.
We breathe in the present moment (where healing occurs). So…in the same way that Saturday’s candle or vase of flowers wakes us from the past or future…so does focusing on our own breath.
After about a minute…ask yourself…”What can I do to make Thanksgiving easier for me this year?”
”What can I do to make Thanksgiving easier for me this year?”
Ask yourself a few times.
And then listen (for many, this is the hard part.)
Listen for anything that bubbles up. A response. An answer. Even a slight impulse.
Don’t judge.
Listen.
And then write it down. Whatever came up for you.
Don`t judge.
Then give thanks. A simple thank you is enough. To yourself. To the chair that held you. To your lungs for breathing you. To the timer that stood watch for you. To the impulse – if there was one. To the silence…if no answer came (yet). To the willingness to ask the question.
Hope and peace, Tom The Guestbook should be fixed...so, if you`ve had trouble posting int he past...Please visit my Guestbook (click here) and post a comment.
Monday, November 8, 2010 6:42 am CST Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 8
"If you are unkind to yourself you will be unkind to others, and if you are negligent of yourself you will be that to others. Only by feeling compassion for yourself can you feel compassion for others."
~ Gary Zukav
As many of you know, I am living with not one, not two, but three intimate deaths. My daughter, my wife and my son. And – believe it or not – at least for me – time has had a way of helping me forget the intense, “in-the-moment,” non-stop, there is no escape, physical, indescribable to the point of being unbearable pain that so many feel.
Oh, I know it was baaaaaad. When I hear of fresh grief – of a situation when a child, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a friend (fill in the blank) – has just died, my heart aches, aches, aches for the people whose lives are forever changed.
I know the pain…but what I’m trying to say is that over time…my own recollection of my own pain has dimmed. And that is not a bad thing….
In retrospect, this is what I think also happens.
Unless you’ve lived it – or are living it – THERE IS SIMPLY NO WAY YOU CAN COMPREND IT. The pain is that bad. Worse, even for many.
And…we walk day-by-day in a space where people are so uncomfortable with pain – their own and most certainly ours – that they will do everything possible to tell us (consciously or unconsciously) that what we’re feeling “ain’t so bad.” Smile. Move on. Be happy. They would want you to be happy. Don’t ruin Thanksgiving for the rest of us. They’re in a better place. Haven’t you been sad long enough, etc., etc. etc?
So…in order to fit in, to become “normal” again, because we don’t have a clue what else to do – really…we abandon ourselves over and over and over again.
We don`t feel...in order to fit in we repress, deny, pretend, shove down, stuff, etc.
And then “they” say... You are so strong. I don’t think I could do what you do. You are amazing.
Complex.
Because inside we are screaming…but my son is still dead! My daughter is not coming back. Thanksgiving without my wife? I want to stay home by myself! Regardless of what I look on the outside…I am still in pain.
I received this email from a woman who attended a workshop I facilitated a few years back. With her permission I share these powerful words:
"I know I am hitting another transition point in my grief. I never imagined how difficult this would be--and on the other hand, never expected to survive this--and it`s been 2.5 years, and seems like yesterday...
I know Trina is at my side daily. I feel her holding my hand or sliding up next to my cheek. I know she is there. It is the many changes in my life that the grief has forced into view/action. Life seems hard enough to do what needs to be done, grieve--and then take on all the changes to so many relationships--and my life!? I find it exhausting. I certainly feel clearer and stronger than I did a year ago and yet still feel like I am walking up a very steep hill. I`ve been through a lot of shit in my life and I am strong, independent, and fairly self-sufficient--and yes, I know that can get in the way---------but I was unprepared (and how can we ever be prepared?) for all the changes that this grief has brought into my life. I`d like to run away--but where ever I go, there I am."
As we approach the holidays – together – try not to abandon yourself. You know what you need to heal. You are the only one that does.
Set the intention to be kind to yourself.
Set the intention not to neglect yourself.
Set the intention to have compassion for … you.
After all, you are learning to live with the death of someone you love this holiday season. And it ain’t easy. To do it awake, in the moment, with clear intention and focused action is work. Hard work.
Sunday, November 7, 2010 7:40 am CST Living With the Holidays - A Virtual Journey to the Heart Day 7
I’m thankful that one week into November I still have a pot of tiny purple petunias that continue to bloom. In the present. The blooming takes place not in the past, not in the future, but in the present. Inspiring.
I’m thankful for those of you that have decided to go on this 2 ½ month long journey with me. Life reaching for life.
In this first week together, I hope you have consciously set an intention for the journey. It`s important that you write that intention down. There’s no right or wrong intention. It is, however, important to consciously set an intention. Why are you doing this? It may be as simple/complex/profound as “because I want to heal.” “Because I want to stop hurting.” Because I ...
I also hope you have started writing in a Gratitude Journal. Five things you are grateful for. Every day. Make it a habit to begin looking for things throughout the day that you are grateful for. This act alone changes you. It transforms you.
Gather items together that connect you to the person you love that has died. Place these items in a special place. In a room you visit all the time…in a room you have to make an effort to visit. Create a space in your house – somewhere – where you can connect - see, touch, feel items that connect you to your beloved.
And yesterday I gave you a very real way to wake yourself up many times during the day from existing in the past or the future. I said that healing only occurs in the present. I asked you to light a candle … or place flowers in a vase … and suggested that very time you passed this in-the-moment reminder, you were in the present. If you noticed it, you were jolted into the present. The Point of Power. Where all things are possible. Where healing takes place.
Today – thank yourself for committing to your transformation for an entire week. Acknowledge – admit – that regardless of, in spite of, because of, the sadness you feel, the loneliness, the anger, the confusion, the dread, the fill-in-the-blank __________________, there is also a part of you that wants to heal. That part is life reaching for more and more and more life. That is the part the Universe backs. Know that. You are not alone.
Sit in a chair, by yourself, for 5 minutes. In the stillness. Make space for new life inside of you. Invite the newness in. Can feel it? This new life trying to take hold. Of you. If you can, give thanks.
If you can’t. Yet. Continue to invite. You will. I promise.
Be gentle with yourself. Always.
Hope and peace, Tom Please visit my Guestbook (click here) and post a comment.Saturday, November 6, 2010 7:04 am CST Living With the Holidays – A Virtual Journey to the Heart. Day 6
Healing takes place in the present moment.
The problem, however, is that most of us – especially when we are learning to live with the death of someone we love that has died – spend the bulk of our time in the past, or in the future…but not in the present. (too frightening, painful and unpredictable)
So…today, Saturday, let’s focus on staying in the present. Here’s an easy way you can do that. Find a big candle. If you don’t have one, go buy one “with intention and focused action.” “I am buying this candle to help me stay in the present moment. The only place my healing can occur.” Repeat. Repeat again and again.
Place the candle in a really visible place in your home. A place you’ll pass many, many times today.
Or…if you are lucky enough to still have flowers growing in your garden. Cut a flower or two (or 17). Arrange in a vase. Again…do this with intention and focused action. “I am cutting these flowers…” Place the vase of flowers in a really visible place in your home. Again, one you’ll pass many times during the day.
Now…as you go about your daily business…every time you pass the candle or flowers…wake up. Let the sight of this beacon pull you from the past or the future into the present moment. As soon as you ask yourself “Am I in the present moment? …you are.”
As soon as you see the candle or the flowers…really see and notice them…you awaken. It’s that simple.
And today, when you awaken, start thinking about Thanksgiving. Is there anything about this upcoming holiday that triggers joy (happiness? a smile? a "not horrible feeling?") for you today? Is there anything that triggers pain? Just notice. When you think Thanksgiving…what comes next?
Awareness is the first step. Most of us are so busy we haven’t a clue what we are feeling. So today…the plan is to jolt ourselves into the present moment as often as we can. Why? Because that is where healing takes place.
And once in the present moment…mention Thanksgiving to yourself. What bubbles up? Don’t censure it.
There are enough people out there who will tell you what you can feel and what you can’t feel. What is appropriate and what is not appropriate. Please don’t do that to yourself.
Become aware of what Thanksgiving really triggers in you. You don’t have to do anything about it today. “Just” (if it were that simple I wouldn’t be writing this) become aware.
Become aware of what you are feeling. If you can.
Hope and peace in the present moment, Tom Please visit my Guestbook (click here) and post a comment.Friday, November 5, 2010 10:30 am CST Living With the Holidays – A Virtual Journey to the Heart. Day 5
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This is what I wanted to share yesterday about the gift of the Gratitude Journal. Many of you would describe yourself as broken, depressed, angry, confused, lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, sad, mad, disillusioned, yearning, fill-in-the-blank_______________.
I honor all of that and know it is really, really important for you to marinate in that stuff. Yes, contrary to convention wisdom...marinate. Until you are through marinating in it. Which you will be. When you are ready.
I met a woman last night who was at a presentation I gave several years ago. She reminded me that at the Q and A she asked me a question…"What to do about a person who had really, really offended her at the funeral. I told her it was important that she talk about her feelings regarding the incident over and over and over and over again. To anyone and everything that would listen. Talk, talk, talk.
I told her that the day would come when she would grow tired of telling the story one more time…and she would then be free. With a HUGE smile on her face last night she said she talked, and talked and told and told and told and retold. And one...day she did not have one more retelling of the hurt left inside her.
And she felt free. Finally.
So…I am not suggesting that you repress, deny, pretend, push, and stuff anything. I am all for feeling the feelings.
What I am suggesting, is that be writing in a Gratitude Journal – every day – whether you feel like or not --- with clear, focused intention ---
You transform. Immediately.
You become a grateful person who is also broken, depressed, angry, confused, lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, sad, mad, disillusioned, yearning, fill-in-the-blank_______________.
Do you get that?
There is a huge difference between a broken person and a broken person who is grateful.
Between a depressed person and a depressed person who is grateful.
An angry person and an angry person who is grateful.
A fill in the blank person _____________ and a fill in the blank person who is grateful.
Does that make sense?
It’s about leaning into transformation. It’s not about denying the dark…it’s about making some space for the light, alongside the dark,
It`s about healing.
10:30 am CST I gave a one-hour-plus presentation at the Happiness Club last night. My topic was:
Happy Holidays #!$%^&$%#!*^&%$^& Honoring the kid inside to create the holiday you want
Many thanks to the room full of people who allowed me to play with their notion of what a “perfect” Thanksgiving and Christmas is. I filmed the presentation and will have clips of it available on YouTube shortly.
A benefit (for me) of giving presentations like the one last night is that I get to meet lots of different people…and hear snapshots of their story – everyone has one. We’re not lacking in stories…we are, however, lacking in people willing to hear another person’s story.
A gentleman waited quite some time to meet me. When we did get the chance to talk…he explained that his wife died last December 30th. Not even a year ago. So, this is his first Thanksgiving, his first Christmas without his beloved physically present.
He said he was on this “Virtual Journey to the Heart” but felt stuck…on Day
1. He wasn’t sure what his intention really was…couldn’t really put it into words.
I shared with him – what I have observed over and over again. I don’t really believe in miracles in the “conventional” way many (most?) people think of them (because I believe the "mind of God" is always perfect … and is never in any need of changing by us humans who like to pretend we know what is best). But I do think this is rather miraculous…and that is that most people I have met…whose lives has been shattered, broken, turned upside down a million times over by the death of someone they love…are willing to give life a “go” again. We’re willing to try and trust that which seems untrustworthy. We’re willing to get back on the horse of life. We still want to live. We want to be happy - again.
The gentleman wouldn’t have been at the meeting last night unless a part of him wanted to live…not survive, not cope…LIVE.
He wouldn’t be on the “Virtual Journey to the Heart” unless a part of him was willing to open to life again…even if it’s the tiniest part of him.
And you would be here…reading these words, unless a part of you were willing/able to give life another chance.
I think that is miraculous and says so much about us humans! And life itself.
So, to those of you who may be having a hard time figuring out what your intention is…perhaps it is as simple (complex) as:
1. I want to live again.
2. I want to stop feeling as much pain as I am feeling right now.
3. I want to try and trust life again.
4. I want to move out of the darkness.
5. I want to be happy.
Yesterday I heard a news story about one of the Chilean miners…the one participating in the New York marathon. The reporter said this man continued to train physically while trapped inside the earth. He ran and ran and ran through the underground tunnels. The reporter asked him why he did this. I found his response to be simple, profound and so complex:
“I wanted to be an active participant in my own salvation.”
“I really wanted God to see that I wanted to live.”
Talk about setting an intention. Stunningly beautiful.
Hope and peace, Tom Please visit my Guestbook (click here) and post a comment.Thursday, November 4, 2010 9:11 am CST Living With the Holidays – A Virtual Journey to the Heart. Day 4
To maximize your experience, follow me on Facebook. Click on the Facebook icon above and “like” my FB fan page (the one with the red shirt.)
If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice.
- Meister Eckhart
In 1998, the year before my wife Trici died, I committed to a Gratitude Journal. Perhaps some of you did, too. Creating one seemed to be the rage. That year was a life-changer for me. In many ways, keeping that Journal prepared me for what was ahead…my wife’s sudden death and the faces of two little boys staring up at me, “What now Daddy?”
So – I invite you to begin keeping a Gratitude Journal today. If you have kept one on in the past…recommit to it. As Meister Eckhart says…if this is the only thing you do…it will be enough. This practice will transform you. I promise.
Pick a time during the day that works best for you. First thing before you get out of bed? Last thing before you turn off the lights? Lunch time? It doesn’t matter when…I do think it will help you commit (especially at first) if you select a time during the time (every day) that is Gratitude Journal time.
Your job is to write five things in the Journal that you are grateful for. Today. Make sure you date each page.
What you are grateful for will depend on so many things…
1. Where you are in your grief journey.
2. How in touch with your feelings you are.
3. Whether or not you are depressed – I mean really depressed.
4. As simple as how the day went.
5. Your level of anger at the world…at life…at the person you loved that died.
6. And a host of other variables.
As I said….your job is to write five things in the Journal that you are grateful for.
They may be as simple as:
1. I’m thankful the day is over.
2. I’m thankful for this soft pillow.
3. I’m thankful I cried today.
4. I’m thankful my house is warm.
5. I’m thankful for the food I ate.
There is no right – no wrong. Start somewhere. What are you thankful for?
When you write…try and use focused action. “I am doing this exercise (even though I may think it is stupid, a waste of time, will do me no good) because I want to heal. I am sick and tired of being in pain.”
Check back later today and I will share how I think this exercise transforms the person doing it.
Remember, I said yesterday that once I had a definition of grief and mourning that resonated with me…I felt I had a road map. The Gratitude Journal is part of that map.
Hope and peace, Tom
Wednesday, November 3, 2010 7:01 am CST Living With the Holidays – A Virtual Journey to the Heart. Day 3
A few weeks (months maybe?) after Rory died I attended a conference where the speaker, Ken Moses, shared a definition of grief and mourning that really resonated with me.
Over the years, I’ve tweaked them a bit…and this is where I am now. These definitions work for me. Maybe they’ll work for you, too, maybe not.
They gave me a road map. They gave me a tangible “job” I could lean into that I thought would help me heal.
I define grief as the internal, automatic response to loss. If we love…we will eventually experience the loss of that which we love…and we will experience grief. It’s what happens inside of us.
Everyone (except, perhaps for those few who are not capable of loving) experience grief.
Grief expresses itself in many, many, many – often ever-changing ways. One minute (second?) you feel this way…the next you feel that way…and hold on…now you’re feeling something entirely different. No, you are not going crazy. This is grief.
Mourning is different. Mourning is the external expression of that which is occurring inside of us. It’s identifying the internal and then pushing it up and getting it out.
There are many ways to mourn. Most have forgotten how to mourn, are afraid of mourning, are encouraged not to mourn, rewarded for not mourning (you are so strong!!!), and/or don’t feel like they have a safe, sacred space where they can mourn.
Many of our family and friends think our mourning is part of the problem. They are wrong. I call them the innocent ignorants. Or the ignorant innocents. They don’t know any better – by choice or lack-of-experience. Not to worry, though…their time will come. No one leaves this world without experiencing grief – if they live long enough.
So…the task at hand is to commit to mourning – when you can. The task is identifying very real ways you can mourn.
1. Do you have a friend that accompanies you? Not someone that tells you what you should think or do or feel…but someone who allows you to be you.
2. Are you seeing a therapist? If not…consider it. But make sure you find a good one. Ask around. Commit to going at least three times before you decide if it’s a good fit…unless the therapist tries to figure out which of the “so-called-stages” of grief you are in. If the therapist looks for stages…RUN. There are no stages…oh, if it were only that simple.
3. Are you attending a support group? If not…look for one. Call the funeral home, hospice, hospital, your church. There has to be one somewhere. After my wife Trici died I drove once a week from Oak Park to Evergreen Park… at least a 45 minute drive – with the kids to attend a wonderful group. It was worth it.
4. If you can’t find a real, live group of human beings….see what you can find online. There are many forums and discussion boards that provide you with an opportunity to mourn….to go public.
Take a few minutes today (at least five) and write in your Journal or notebook…the avenues you have right now for mourning. When and where are you able to mourn? To be real. To feel. To express. To release. To share.
If there are none…what can you create for yourself that will give you the opportunity to mourn?
Mourning is a path to healing.
This I know for sure.
Hope and peace, Tom Please visit my Guestbook (click here) and post a comment.Tuesday, November 2, 2010 7:13 am CST Living With the Holidays – A Virtual Journey to the Heart. Day 2
If you haven’t written down your intention for this journey (see yesterday’s post). It’s important that you do that. If you are able.
From Wikipedia: Day of the Dead is a holiday celebrated by many in Mexico and by Mexican-Americans living in the United States and Canada. The holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died. The celebration occurs on November 2nd in connection with the Catholic holy days of All Saints Day (November 1st) and All Souls Day (November 2nd).
My wife Trici loved these few days. In the Celtic tradition All Hollow’s Eve was a time when the “veil between the two worlds was at its thinnest – making it possible to make contact.”
I have learned, along the way, that our relationships do not end. Ever. I will always be in relationship with Erin, Trici and Rory…as you will be with the people you love that have died. I am the one that gets to decide if it’s a healthy relationship…or an unhealthy one.
How do I tell the difference. If it brings joy into my life – it’s healthy. If it brings pain – it’s unhealthy.
Crying is not synonymous with pain. Crying is healing, cleansing, necessary, healthy…earned. You cry when/because you realize what has happened. When you set aside the time to dig deep – really deep – you discover that underneath the tears is one thing. Love. You were loved and you loved. I contend that you are loved and continue to be loved. By the people in your life that have died. It can’t be any other way.
Consider taking a cue from the Day of the Dead (if that phrase sounds harsh to you…embrace, honor and allow the harshness…give it space to be…it’s not good, it’s not bad. It simply is your response at this moment).
Consider gathering a few items that connect you to the person (people) you love that have died. Find a space for them. In your bedroom. In your home office. Somewhere in your house. It can be a place you pass often…or it can be an out-of-the way place in your house. A destination, if you will. A place you consciously have to decide to go to.
When my daughter Erin died 20 years ago…I would find great comfort sitting in the white wicker rocker I used to rock her to sleep in. I could really feel her presence when I sat there, eyes closed, tears falling, gently rocking back and forth.
In my back pocket, I still carry the black leather wallet Trici gave me. She’s been dead for 10+ years…so, as you can imagine, the wallet is worn and tattered. Doesn’t bother me. It’s a connection.
And as I sit by this computer Rory is staring at me…from a picture of him in his Scholastic Bowl T-shirt…hand on buzzer…ready to answer the next question.
What connects you to the person you love that has died? Really connects you?
Gather some items. Find the perfect place to arrange them. Do it with the intention of creating a healthy, joy-filled connection. If you can.
Allow.
Remember, it’s okay to cry. Feeling the feelings is not the problem...it`s the solution.
Monday, November 1, 2010 6:27 am CST Living With the Holidays – A Virtual Journey to the Heart. Day 1
Welcome. I am so pleased you are here today.
The vision I am holding for our group, for our experience together over these next 2 ½ months is inspired by that final episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Do you remember it? Everyone was gathered in the newsroom saying their final good-byes. All of a sudden they group-hugged…and still clutching each other step-by-step moved towards and out the door.
That’s us. Group hugging our way till January 15th. Together. The way it should be.
One of my top five “most important, life-changing” books is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Agreement #1 is “Be Impeccable with Your Word.”
“The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life.”
Pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth. The words that float around in your head…all day long.
Gary Zukav in his book The Seat of the Soul writes,
“Your intentions create the reality that you experience. Until you become aware of this, it happens unconsciously.”
So…today, this first day of our “Virtual Journey to the Heart” I am asking you to get your Journal (or notebook) and sit quietly for 5-10 minutes – if you can. No distractions – or minimal distractions. In your head (or out loud) ask yourself why you are embarking on this 2 ½ month journey with us. What are your goals? What do you hope to accomplish? To create? To bring into your life?
Why are doing this?
And then listen. Really listen. To yourself. To the voice within. The Holy Spirit. God. The universe. Your gut. Your intuition. Whatever you call it.
Listen.
And then write about it. There is no right. There is no wrong. There just is what is.
Your writing will help you clarify and see.
When you have written all you have to write. Take a breath, get a drink of water. Take another breath…and reread what you have written. Out loud if you can. If you can’t…read it again in your head.
And then try to condense. Can you create one, two, even three intentions for this journey?
Write your intention(s) in your Journal. Make sure you date it. Set it in stone (for today).
Be grateful for the time you just spent with yourself. Even if (especially if) you don’t really feel gratitude.
In the practice of Yoga, the breath is not just air moving in and moving out, but it is our best connection to the greater energies that surround us and move within us. Yoga calls any practice of breath regulation Pranayama, and it is important to note that prana is not just translated as “breath”, but has an altogether more powerful definition. It is the all-pervading life force that activates the entire universe…it is sun and moon, life and death, creation and procreation, the power of the ocean in each and every atom of each and every thing. Without prana and our connection to the breath we would cease to exist. In learning to harness both through even the most simple of Pranayama practices we align our self with the power, strength, and support of the universe.
The breath can take us from any external agitation to a more peaceful internal awareness. It acts as the bridge from the outward manifestation of the ego to the inward truth of the self. The breath also keeps us in the present moment, where truth and stability reign. Most of the time we are distracted and attached to all things separate from our self, thoughts jump from the past to the future in a matter of seconds creating agitation and emotional turmoil. Connecting to the breath brings you back to the present moment and connects you to your deeper, always complete and quiet internal self.
There are many very practical and wonderful benefits to the practice of Pranayama. From simply watching your own normal breath to some of the more complex regulation techniques, every aspect of the breath can be acknowledged, encouraged, and used in your favor."
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Every day, since the day we were born, you have been bombarded with hundreds of thousands of millions of thoughts.
We attach – consciously or unconsciously – to some of those thoughts.
Those singled-out thoughts become our beliefs.
Our emotions and feelings are born of those beliefs.
Our beliefs color our experiences.
(Example: I have decided to believe that the perfect Christmas is one that comes with a gentle blanket of snow on Christmas Eve.)
When it snows on Christmas Eve … my Christmas is wonderful.
When it does not snow on Christmas Eve … my Christmas is “less than.”
Okay.
If you are experiencing pain and suffering … the root of that pain and suffering is a thought that you have attached to. A thought that has become your belief.
As an adult, you get to decide what you believe. YOU!
If you are experiencing pain and suffering today … sit quietly and pinpoint the belief that is the root cause.
Ask yourself if you are open to replacing the belief that is causing you pain…with a belief that does not cause you pain, or causes you less pain, perhaps. If that is not something you want to do right now…fine. You don’t have to.
But maybe it is. Maybe you are ready.
A friend came up to me after my Happiness Club presentation and said, “I am tired of being paralyzed by my pain. No more.”
Perhaps you have attached to one of these beliefs:
My son shouldn’t have died that way.
I will never see my daughter again.
Life is so very unfair.
Life is cruel.
The death of a child is the hardest loss. It’s so unnatural.
No parent should out live their children.
My wife died too young.
My husband never got to see his grandchildren grow up – or walk our youngest daughter down the aisle.
He should not have had to suffer so much.
I will never forgive myself. I never said “I love you.”
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