Tribute Journal
When Trici died I decided not to use the customary Sign-In books usually seen at wakes, visitations, memorial services and funerals. Yes, I wanted to know who had come to support us – but I wanted more.
After Erin died, I remember thinking it so odd…that in addition to everything else…we were now expected to write thank you notes to everyone that attended the visitation and funeral. One of the “services” the funeral director offered us was the selection of a variety of thank you cards…for an additional cost, of course.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I wasn’t appreciative of everything everyone had done and was doing. It’s just that at a time when I hadn’t yet decided if life was even worth living…I thought it odd and representative of a huge societal disconnect…the notion that the “newly bereaved” was now expected to put pen to paper in gratitude…at a time when I couldn’t speak in complete sentences... to say nothing of the additional expense of purchasing thank you notes and stamps.
I know we could have selected the option of pre-printed cards or notes that are simply and randomly addressed to everyone that “signed the book” - but that seemed rather cold, and out of sync with who we were.
So…when Tricie died, her sister Maureen bought beautiful, purple-silk-covered Journals. At the visitation, we placed the Journals on a table with the sign:
Dear Family and Friends,
Thank you for coming today. Many of you have asked me what you can do. I know you want to help. You can.
I want to be sure that Rory and Sean know their mommy as we did. I want them to be able to look at these books and understand what Trici meant to you, and why you are here today. Please take a few moments and help me paint the fullest, richest, most colorful picture of Trici – so Rory and Sean will forever have record of the beautiful lady they called mommy.”
Thank you for your prayers.
Tom
A few month after Trici died, our friend Lynne – told me she was so taken by the Journals – that she was considering creating one and offering it to the world, in honor of Trici. What did I think? Would I write the introduction?
Yes.
Yes.
So, I sat at the computer one afternoon and out of me flowed the following:
In the days, weeks and months following my 18-month-old daughter Erin’s sudden death in 1990, I could think of only one word to define death – the word “final” came into my consciousness over and over and over, again. To me, death was final. The one thing I was certain of in life was that I would never see my first-born child again.
But during that same period, and in the years that followed, my wife Trici helped me realize that while death is final in the physical sense, the connection between two souls is eternal. Trici’s intent was to make sure that Erin’s complete life was not forgotten. Favorite pictures of Erin were displayed throughout our home. Happy memories of our life together were shared and on special occasions we found great joy in watching home videos. When our two sons Rory and Sean were born, they learned in a very natural way the story of their older sister’s life. Erin was still part of the family.
Trici helped me understand that while I will never again see, on this earth, the physical form of the people I have loved who have died, with conscious effort I can stay connected to the loves of my life.
When Trici died suddenly on January 1, 1999, I began to wonder how I would possibly keep her essence and spirit alive. Our boys were only 7 and 3 and while I knew Trici as a wife, a friend, a business partner and a mother, I had only known her for 14 years. The complete picture of Patricia Brennan Zuba included details, stories, memories, nuances, brushstrokes and shadings that I was not aware of or feared I would forget. I knew that family and friends wanted to help me, to help us. I realized that there was a way for them to help.
Instead of the customary “sign-in” address books so often found at the entrance to visitations, wakes and funerals, I placed two beautiful journals filled with blank pages on a table. I asked family and friends to share memories. I asked visitors to “take a few moments and help me paint the fullest, richest, most colorful picture of Trici – so Rory and Sean will forever have record of the beautiful lady they called mommy.”
I find great comfort when I think about these journals that I have to share with my sons. We have stories about their mom as a small child, as a student in grade school, high school and college. We get to know her as other people knew her…and loved her. And we get to see how she loved other people.
I imagine that we will turn to the journals at different times in our lives: times when we want to remember and to celebrate. I imagine that we will share the journals with new family members and with special friends.
I was so delighted when Lynne told me she was thinking of formalizing the “Tribute Journal” concept. As Trici so gracefully and lovingly taught me, it is so important that we speak of our dead. It is important to remember, to cry, to mourn, to get angry, to be sad, to laugh, to smile, to celebrate. In doing so, we remain connected.
My hope and prayer is that this Tribute Journal will help you, your family and friends walk through all of the feelings and experiences that life offers us. My hope is that this Tribute Journal will help you heal…and to continue to celebrate life.
In Love,
Tom Zuba
For more information about the Tribute Journal, please visit amazon.com. 
