Sunday, June 8, 2008 9:51 pm CST
As I’ve mentioned before, I can tell how many people visit this site each day. I can’t tell who the visitors are…but I get a number of how many visitors there are. Mondays are usually BIG days. Lots of visitors.
So, I thought I’d start the week by writing about one of my most important teachers. A fascinating woman named Byron Katie. She is a “lover of what is.”
Katie writes:
“It is not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.”
Of her book, Loving What Is, Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now and A New Earth says,
“Byron Katie’s Work is a great blessing for our planet. The root cause of suffering is identification with our thoughts, the ‘stories’ that are continuously running through our minds. Byron Katie’s Work acts like a razor-sharp sword that cuts through that illusion and enables you to know for yourself the timeless essence of your being. Joy, peace and love emanate from it as your natural state. In Loving What Is, you have to key. Now use it."
I have seen Katie in person and on videotape. I have listened to her audiotapes and read her books. For me, the richest experience was seeing her in action. In person or on videotape.
By visiting her website at http://www.thework.com/index.asp you can watch her in action…doing “The Work” with different people on a variety of topics including death and cancer. It’s worth checking out.
If Katie’s work or Eckhart Tolle’s work resonates with you, I hope you will consider attending my upcoming 3-part workshop called, Making Peace With Your Life. It begins Tuesday, June 17th. For more information click: You’re Invited.
Hope and peace as we begin another week,
Tom
Thursday, June 5, 2008 3:03 pm CST
The priest said this about the 24-year-old soldier who died while serving his (our) country…leaving behind his young wife and two children:
“His life was taken from him much too early.”
It’s a belief we breathe in. Unexamined. Unquestioned.
He (she) died too early.
As if we know…
One of the things death does to us…is it smacks us upsidethehead with the opportunity to question everything. Or we can remain asleep. Until the next time.
Who – or what – gives (and “takes”) life?
Ultimately?
In the biggest picture? The picture that is so enormously BIG that we can’t begin to fathom it. Yet, we try. And I think we should.
Who – or what – gives (and “takes”) life? All the time?
Or just some of the time?
Who do we become when we believe that the person we love so dearly was “taken from us much to early?”
Who do we become when we believe that?
And when we believe that…who do we believe “God” to be? Whatever/whoever we believe God to be or not to be?
What role did God play in the timing of the death of the person I love so much?
I have come to believe that we will always have a relationship with the people that we love…even after they die. We get to decide if it’s going to be a healthy relationship – or an unhealthy relationship. It’s up to us.
Tuesday night I watched Barack Obama’s “victory” speech. By all reports he had won the Democratic spot for president. A historic moment. A jaw-dropping, never-in-my-lifetime, Praise-the-Lord moment for some. For many, actually.
And I couldn’t help but think of Bobby Kennedy that June night in California…having just won the California primary.
“On to the White House.”
And as he excited the ballroom, through the kitchen…the gunshots. Forty years ago today.
And I thought of a 13-year-old girl…like I had never thought of her before.
Yes…I knew her idol and mentor had been RFK her entire life. I knew she had built a stellar career in the nonprofit sector so she (like Bobby) could be of service to others. I knew she wanted to give voice to the voiceless. To make a difference. I knew she was passionate about the inequities she saw all around her. I knew this all too well…and I oftentimes found it exhausting. To listen.
But now I have a 13-year-old-son. So it’s a little easier to picture Trici at 13. And I think of her… like I have never thought of her before. At 13, hearing the news that her idol, her mentor had been shot and killed.
And I imagine I see her a little clearer. And perhaps understand her passion a little better. My respect and admiration for her continues to grow.
Do I think her life was taken from her much too early?
No.
I think she died at the perfect time. In the perfect way.
The God I believe in wouldn’t have it any other way.
And I most certainly don’t understand.
But my life is less painful when I surrender.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Wednesday, June 4, 2008 2:54 pm CST
I wonder (and worry) about the families – who since May 20, the day the world learned that Ted Kennedy has brain cancer – have heard those same words.
Your child has brain cancer.
Your husband, your wife, your sister, your brother…
Your mom, your dad…
Your neighbor, your best friend.
Brain cancer.
And as I wrote earlier…how I hope that if Ted Kennedy’s brain cancer is indeed glioblastoma multiforme, he and his family will be forthcoming with that news… to shed light on the plight of so many families...like mine. But if they don’t share that detail. I understand. I didn’t want to share it either. And prior to Rory’s death am not sure I ever wrote those two words on his Caringbridge site. For most of us…it’s a death sentence.
I wonder (and worry) about the families – who since May 20, have heard the words…”the one you love so much, the one you can’t bear the thought of living without - has glioblastoma multiforme. There is no cure.”
I wonder (and worry) because this is what I’ve read in the paper and heard on the news:
"I feel like a million bucks. I think I`ll do that again tomorrow," the 76-year-old Massachusetts Democrat was quoted by a family spokeswoman as telling his wife immediately afterward.
I think I`ll do that again tomorrow?????
Part of my wonders if Ted Kennedy actually said those words. I find it kind of hard to believe.
After Rory’s surgery – which resulted in the removal of his left temporal lobe and as much cancer-mixed-with-brain as was possible without “compromising” my most amazing 13-year-old son, I was told by the doctors that there was no promise that he would ever speak again. Or walk. Or use his hands.
“I’m so sorry,” the surgeon told us. “I got as much as I could.”
These next 48 hours are critical. You do understand that he could die. Don’t you? And be prepared for brain swelling. Seizures. Vomiting.
The site of the surgical incision on the left side of his head – whether I liked it or not – was a constant reminder of what he had been through. While his entire head was not shaved…there was an 8-10 inch long crescent-shaped, ½ inch wide shaved area…revealing metallic staples holding the skin and bone together.
The reports go on to say:
Details about Kennedy`s exact type of tumor have not been disclosed, but some cancer specialists said it might be a glioblastoma multiforme — an especially deadly and tough-to-remove type — because other kinds are more common in younger people.
I wonder (and worry) about the diagnosis. For Ted Kennedy and all the other individuals and families who hear the words glioblastoma multiforme.
I am a huge fan of hope.
But false hope?
I think it’s cruel.
Perhaps one of his last missions – here on earth – is for Senator Kennedy to change the tides for those diagnosed with a GBM. I’d love to see that in my lifetime.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, June 2, 2008 2:19 pm CST
Einstein is credited with saying something like…
The most important decision I will ever make is whether I believe I live in a kind, loving, compassionate universe…or a random, chaotic, cruel universe.
And as the days, weeks, months – even years – following the death of someone I love roll by… Einstein’s question may become even more challenging, more thought-provoking, more unnerving.
Yet it’s worth asking.
And answering.
My child is dead…how can I live in a kind, loving, compassionate universe?
My parent is dead…
My sister, my brother…
My beloved spouse…
How can this be a kind, compassionate, loving universe?
On December 31st of 2007, I wrote on this site:
"I’ve compiled a list of concrete steps I took to actively participate in my own transformation following the deaths of my daughter Erin in 1990, my wife Trici in 1999 and my son Rory in 2005.
As you set the intention to lean into your new life… what concrete steps can you take?
1. Commit to active mourning.
2. Commit to going outside and walking in nature every day.
3. Commit to finding ways to release the heavy, burdensome energy stored in your body.
4. Commit to spending quiet time with yourself every day – to simply BE with yourself and your new life.
5. Commit to writing in a gratitude journal every day.
6. Commit to being gentle with yourself ."
As my mom will attest – I have always been fascinated by nature. So concrete step #2 as listed above is a natural for me.
2. Commit to going outside and walking in nature every day.
I try to get outside and walk in nature every day. Now that the weather is warmer it is a lot easier to get out.
What I’ve noticed on my nature walks…is that I am surrounded by life.
Surrounded.
Oh, at first glance that might not appear to be true…but as I’ve stopped.
Noticed.
Listened.
Looked.
And looked even harder.
These are some things I’ve discovered.
Eight mallard eggs resting safely in a nest.
An easy-to-miss rabbit’s nest filled with baby bunnies.
Baby robins lying by an egg not yet hatched.
Brand new babies.
Yes, we`re surrounded by life. Regardless of whether or not it feels that way.
Hope and peace…and new life,
Tom
Thursday, May 29, 2008 7:23 am CST
If those of us reading these words know “anything for sure,” it’s that everything changes.
Everything changes.
The energy of this site seems to be shifting. Neither “good” nor “bad” --- something that just “is.”
I can tell, by going in through the back door, that the number of people who visit this site is on the rise. I have no way of knowing WHO is visiting the site (which has always been frustrating to me) but I do know that the number of people visiting is increasing.
I want to make sure that “new folks” know there is a Guestbook where you are invited to post… to mourn… to “go public” with your grief. You are invited to share a comment, a thought, a feeling. To tell us your story. To simply say hello. Whatever feels right. You can access the Guestbook by clicking: View/Sign Guestbook
_______________________________
Tuesday morning my son Sean told me he had trouble lifting the gallon jug of milk to fill his cereal bowl. Sean is a year-round athlete and routinely has any number of aches and pains and bruises all over his body. I have gotten somewhat accustomed to living with his physical pains…and am usually amazed that what hurts today is all but forgotten tomorrow.
Not his hand. I knew his hand has been bothering him for some weeks. The pain hasn’t stopped him from playing baseball (he pitches or plays 3rd or short stop) or weekend games of football, basketball or hockey with his neighborhood friends…but his hand has been bothering him.
Not being able to pour his own milk startled me…so I called the doctor and made an appointment for that afternoon. “Let’s have it x-rayed once and for all to see if anything is broken.”
I am not fond of doctors. Not all, but many. It’s nothing personal. I have just seen too many over the years.
Tuesday afternoon I drove Sean to the clinic I used to go to for my annual check-ups as a child.
The same clinic I would bring Rory to in 2004 when he first got sick. When we were filled with so many confusing and unanswered questions.
And after the surgery and glioblastoma diagnosis. To see the pediatric neurosurgeon where his nurse gave us free samples of the exorbitantly priced anti-seizure medication that my $400.00+ a month healthcare policy didn’t cover.
The clinic where I brought Rory after we returned from Houston… hoping that the controversial treatment was working… fearing that all our efforts were in vain.
Going to the clinic with Sean unearthed (unlocked) many different memories I hadn’t thought about in many, many, many months. Memories stored somewhere in my body, I think. Memories that I haven’t fully mourned and released yet.
I think the memories “came up” because I was ready and able to “be” with them again.
I noticed. I allowed. I felt the feelings. I was in awe of the me who walked that walk…and survived.
I observed.
The memories didn’t paralyze. Not this time.
My intention is to make peace with my life.
That’s why I’m calling my upcoming workshop at Womanspace:
Making Peace With Your Life
It’s a 3-part series open to both men and women. The series will be held Tuesdays, June 17, 24 and July 1 from 9:30 am to noon at Womanspace, 3333 Maria Linden Rd in Rockford. Cost is $80.00
This is how I describe the workshop series:
In his book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says that when I resist what is - I make the present moment my enemy. He goes on to say that only the present moment can free me of the past. If you are living your life in pain, due to death, a divorce, the end of a relationship, a job loss or any other life-changing event join a sacred circle of kindred spirits as we practice living in the present moment. Our shared intention will be to clear a space that we might hear the voice of God that he/she/it might help us remember that our birthright is peace and joy. Decide to exhale and make peace with your life.
At Womanspace, we will take advantage of their beautiful gardens and labyrinth. I will also share and encourage participants to experiment with techniques that help one stay “in the present moment.” It promises to be a transformational three weeks.
I have had to cancel the last two events I scheduled at Womanspace due to low registration. Perhaps the Universe is suggesting I find a new location for my events. I am not really sure…but I am trying to listen.
I need at least 5 participants for this upcoming workshop. If you…or anyone you know is interested in participating, you can register by calling 815.877.0118.
Hope and peace,
Tom
P.S. No broken bones in Sean`s hand. Strained muscles.
Monday, May 26, 2008 7:53 am CST
Although there are many ways to define the word “grief” – this is the definition I like best:
Grief is
the internal,
automatic,
unlearned response to loss.
It’s the definition of grief presented by Dr. Ken Moses, an Evanston, Illinois psychologist I heard speak in April of 2005.
If you love and experience the loss of that which you love...you will grieve.
Grief is the internal, automatic, unlearned response to loss.
Everyone grieves.
Most of us have forgotten how to mourn.
Grief expresses itself in many, many different ways. Following the death of someone we love, many (most) of us don’t realize that what we are experiencing – hours, days, weeks, months, years, yes even decades later – are expressions of grief.
At my most recent presentation at Our Savior’s Lutheran Church I offered a partial list of Expressions of Grief. Attendees found it helpful, so I thought I’d post it here.
Grief can express itself as:
Numbness
Disbelief
“It feels like a dream – when will I wake up?”
Being Dazed
Being Stunned
Having Heart Palpitations
Stomach pains
Dizziness
Confusion
Queasiness
Being Nauseous
Crying
Fainting
Uncontrolled laughter
Angry outbursts
Memory loss
Loss of balance
Disorganization
Decrease in Sexual Desire
Searching
Yearning
Going Crazy
Restlessness
Agitation
Being Impatient
Feeling Disconnected
Hearing, Seeing, Feeling Things
Depression
Increase in Sexual Desire
Relief
Lack of sleep
Too much sleep
No appetite
Overeating
Anxiety
Panic
Fear
Guilt
Regret
Sadness
The most common thing I hear – usually in hushed tones – is “Tom, I think I’m going crazy! Am I going crazy?”
Not crazy – grief is simply expressing itself.
Allow. Honor. Surrender.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, May 25, 2008 9:08 am CST
From a very young age it was clear to me that Rory was bright beyond bright.
I was in awe of him.
I remember being at the Lincoln Park Zoo with Trici, Rory and Sean. Trici and I were trying to remember what differentiated a crocodile from an alligator. Stumped, we decided to ask the docent.
After listening carefully to what the docent had to say…in a very polite voice Rory – who was probably 6 years old at the time - chimed in…”Actually, the difference between crocodiles and alligators is…” and then he proceeded to tell us everything we ever wanted know about the two animals, and then some.
When he was finished, the docent with a smile on her face said, “Well, yes – all that is true.”
Life with Rory was like that.
It simply became routine to turn to Rory when a piece of vital (or not so vital) information was missing.
Ask Rory. Rory will know.
And he usually did. And it made life a little more interesting. More colorful. I always felt better informed when I was with him.
I encouraged Rory to try out for West’s Scholastic Bowl team at the beginning of 6th grade. The coaches, Mrs. Deacon and Mrs. Mead, scheduled a few practice sessions so the new kids could get a feel for what being on the team would be like…and they’d get to rub shoulders with the veteran team members.
Rory’s academic abilities always made him feel different – separate – and I hoped that by being on a team with kids, his age – with similar interests and intellect – he would feel “at home.”
The fist night he came home from a practice session he said to me, “I can’t wait to start 7th grade, Dad. I’m not sure what they teach you. But the 7th and 8th graders on the Scholastic Bowl team are some of the smartest kids I have ever met. One kid, in particular Dad – Siva. I have never met anyone like him. He knows everything!”
Rory was in awe of Siva.
And as Rory made the team and I accompanied them that year to winning match after winning match after winning match … all the way to claim the state championship title that spring …
I was in awe of Siva, too.
____________________
In today’s newspaper the headline reads,
“Auburn junior aces SAT and ACT –
The teen also captained the state champion Scholastic Bowl team.”
“You could say it’s been a good year for Auburn High School’s Sivakumar “Siva” Sundaram. But that would be an understatement: On Friday, a day after the School District announced that the junior had scored a perfect 2,400 on his SAT, Sundaram discovered he had aced his ACT.”
As I said, I am in awe of Siva.
______________________________
In the Spring of 2005, that first spring without Rory physically here with us, the staff at West Middle School passed around a yearbook and allowed Rory’s teachers and friends to sign it. It’s a great gift to me.
In the back of the book, one of Rory’s friends wrote these words:
Rory:
You are my inspiration. You remind me to make sure I make the best of everyday. Every time I think about any challenges I must face, I remember how bravely you stood against the problems in your life. We won the Scholastic Bowl State Championship for you Rory! I love you.
Sincerely,
Siva “The one” Sundaram
As I said, I’m in awe of Siva. Congratulations!
Hope and peace,
Tom
Thursday, May 22, 2008 7:53 am CST
53 years ago today my wife Trici was born. Yes, I married an older woman and the ride has been amazing… in so many ways, on so many levels.
Trici’s mentor in life was Bobby Kennedy. She patterned her life after his – a life of service. “Giving voice to the voiceless,” she often said. Passionate is a word that comes to mind. Trici’s life - and by association, the lives of those she loved – was touched by moments of great passion.
When I first read about Sen. Edward Kennedy’s seizure, I immediately thought of Rory’s seizure. As I followed the story and learned it was not a stroke (initially, I thought Rory was having a stroke that August night) … and that his hospital stay had spread to three days with no explanation … the real possibility of brain cancer set in.
And then the diagnosis. Following a biopsy. Glioma.
It is all very familiar to me. Yet different.
For reasons I do not understand … even though multiple MRIs over a period of 2+ months showed a constant “hot spot” on Rory’s left temporal lobe … which called for a biopsy to “get in there” and determine once and for all what was going…no neurosurgeon was willing to do one… until so much precious time had passed. Neither in Rockford nor in Chicago.
Interesting that Ted Kennedy had a biopsy so soon after the seizure. Perhaps rank does have its privileges?
The initial diagnosis is the same. A glioma.
It took a few days following Rory’s biopsy-turned-brain-surgery until the docs could give us more information.
The news was devastating. Hopeless they told me.
Glioblastoma multiforme Stage IV.
The most aggressive glioma. The diagnosis you don’t want to hear.
I hope that the Kennedys’ are completely honest with the Senator’s diagnosis (when the results of his biopsy come in) and don’t hold back. Although I certainly respect their right to privacy should they decide not to tell the whole story…
Public radio last night said “Sadly, we have made no real progress in the treatment of gliomas in the past 20 years.”
20 years!!!
Yesterday’s Chicago Trib said:
“Glioma, a broad term, includes about 42 percent of all brain tumors. About 13,000 Americans die each year from malignant tumors of the brain or spinal chord.”
Then the Trib goes on to report that:
“Experts say survival has improved in the last 10 years thanks in part to a new drugs such as temezolomide…patients who took the drug along with radiation survived an average of 14.6 months, compared with 12.1 months for those who got radiation alone.”
A gain of 1.5 months. How many days is that?
The progress made in treating gliomas in the past 10 years. Extending life by 1.5 months.
Who are they kidding?
How much money have we spent on the war in Iraq in the past year?
What are our priorities as a country?
How ironic that a man who, like his big brother Bobby, crafted a life devoted to service to the voiceless ---
To try and provide appropriate, quality healthcare to all ---
So that rank did not determine privilege. But rather the richest country in the world offered the best medical treatment to all its citizens ---
Is diagnosed with a cancer that we have made no significant progress treating in the past 20 years.
My hope is that the power of the Kennedy family – now touched by the devastation of the word “glioma” - like so many other American families – will draw attention, energy and the money necessary to find a cure.
Hope seems to be taking root in many corners of the country.
I am hopeful.
Hope and peace to you,
Tom
Wednesday, May 21, 2008 8:55 am CST
Over 80 people attended my presentation “Making Room for Grief, Mourning and Healing” last night at Our Savior’s Lutheran Church. My thanks to the organizers for inviting me and opening the event to the public.
As I was driving to the event last night…I couldn’t help but notice a beautiful rainbow in the eastern sky.
A great sign. No coincidence.
As many frequent visitors to this site know, my son Rory died on 2-22. One way he connects with me is through those very numbers – 222. I can’t tell you how many times I will look up and see “222.” I smile and acknowledge his presence with gratitude.
To be honest…I have often wondered about Erin and Trici…
Rory feels very present to me through the 222 … but what about Erin and Trici?
Last night, I uncharacteristically woke up in the middle of the night. The west wall of my bedroom is floor to ceiling windows. As I pried my eyes open, my bedroom was filled with white light. Light from the very full moon was streaming in.
I looked at my watch, and was not at all surprised to read the time – “2:22.”
A great sign. No coincidences.
What was different this time was the realization that Erin and Trici are both very present in the sign that until last night I thought was just between Rory and I.
Erin`s birthday is January 2nd…the first “2” of the 222.
And Trici’s birthday is tomorrow, May 22nd. The last “22” of the 222.
Are there special ways that those you love who have died reveal themselves to you? If so…please consider sharing your experiences with the many visitors to this site by posting in our Guestbook.
It’s a way we can each offer hope…
Hope and peace,
Tom
Tuesday, May 20, 2008 8:03 am CST
I will be speaking tonight, Tuesday, May 20th at Our Savior’s Lutheran Church, 3300 Rural Street in Rockford from 7:00 pm to about 8:30.
This event is free and open to the public.
If you are at all interested in attending, I hope you will come.
My topic is:
Making Room
for Grief, Mourning and Healing
If you are currently learning to live with the death of someone you love I think you will find value in my presentation.
If you know someone - a family member, a friend, a neighbor – who is learning to live with the death of someone they love… I hope you will come (and bring the “someone”.)
If you are a professional – a minister, a doctor, a nurse, a therapist – eager to do a better job of accompanying those who are learning to live with the death of someone they love… you are welcome.
I will speak for about 45 minutes…accompanied by a short video from my appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show and a PowerPoint Presentation. Then there will be about 45 minutes for comments, questions and answers (always the richest part of the evening.)
Spread the word!
Hope and peace,
Tom
Monday, May 19, 2008 7:57 am CST
I like to support the restaurants and shops in downtown Rockford as much as I can. A new 60’s-furniture store called “Nest” opened a few months back and it was on my list of places to stop.
Something moved me to visit (finally) the funky store last week. I loved the furniture and “all-things-60.” Being in the store triggered memories of growing up. Our house on Paradise Blvd. Our neighbor’s homes. The homes on t.v. Bewitched. Where Samantha and Darrin lived.
I got the chance to talk to the storeowner, Chris Furney. We talked about Rockford. He told me he was a Boylan graduate…but had lived in Chicago, New York, Europe. He liked urban living. His high school friend, our current mayor had persuaded him to move back to Rockford and invest in our downtown. Which he did. We talked about Clinton and Obama. Even though her chances were fading fast…he favored Clinton. “Have you read Obama’s two books? You should,” he said.
I liked him immediately. Great smile. Easy energy. Enthusiasm. Passion.
A woman came in to buy the Charlie Chaplain lamp at the back of the store. I didn’t want to keep him from his customer so I snuck out without saying good-bye.
I’ll stop in again, I thought. He told me the inventory was always changing. “Every time you came in it’s a different store,” Chris said.
______________________________________
We were lucky to be the beneficiary of more than one fundraiser before and after Rory died. The money raised helped tremendously as I made my way through overwhelming and incredibly confusing medical bills and insurance forms.
One of the events was co-chaired by Cindy Furney. From an outsider-looking-in, I’d describe Cindy as one of the moves and shakers of St. James Church, the church I grew up in. Cindy seems to be a pillar of that community. She expressed a desire to chair some type of event for us to help with our mounting expenses. But Rory died so quickly. Faster than any of us expected…I think. He died, before we could hammer out the details of an event.
But Cindy wanted to press on. The expenses will still be there. We can help raise money. We want to help. And she did. That spring, St. James hosted the “Zuba-thon” as she called it…a spaghetti-dinner-and-then-some. They raised a considerable amount of money for us. They showed us they cared and let us know we were not alone.
________________
Saturday morning…as I sifted through our local newspaper…a picture caught my eye. A head shot of Chris Furney.
The headline:
Neighborhood leader,
business owner dies.
I read it again.
How could it be?
“Christopher Furney, a business owner and president of the Haight Village Neighborhood Association died unexpectedly Friday. Furney, 38, owned Nest, 218 E. State St…”
Chris is Cindy’s son.
Life is mysterious.
You never know.
I’m so glad I got to meet Chris that day.
It all makes me wonder.
Question everything.
____________________________
Hope and peace,
Tom
Saturday, May 17, 2008 8:55 am CST
One of my favorite things to do in the spring is to visit any (many) of our local nurseries. Pad and pen in hand…I jot down notes, compare prices, make plans. If I remember that my phone is also a camera… I take pictures, too.
I met Debbie when I first moved back to town. We had both enrolled in a Master Garden program. I got to know Debbie even better when we worked together that summer in the herb garden at Midway Village. We bump into each other at places-gardeners-gather…like the local nurseries or the Garden Fair at Klehm.
“Is that Tom Zuba?” I heard the other day as I was checking out the Proven Winners at The Home Depot.
When I see Debbie… I am always taken back.
I was the point person for Plant-A-Row early in the week that summer of 2004. Debbie was the point person at the end of the week. It was my job to get the equipment and supplies to her mid-week… so she could set things up.
“I was in the hospital. With Rory. He had a seizure the night before,” I told Debbie on the phone that morning.
“I won’t be able to get the Plant-A-Row equipment to you as planned.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I’ll manage. You and Rory are in my prayers. Take care of yourself. Keep in touch.”
So… Debbie is forever linked in my mind to the beginning of that chapter.
For me now…it’s like visiting the Grand Canyon… and very slowly, very carefully peeking over the edge to see what’s “down there.” I wouldn’t want to jump in feet first. The view isn’t as overwhelmingly paralyzing as it once was. I do the best I can. I peek.
Alan Wolfelt calls it “doses.” Our grief can be so HUGE … that we can experience it in “doses.” It’s how we survive.
We do the best we can.
Tuesday, May 13, 2009 7:04 am CST
I met Cindy some 7-8 years ago in a gardening class we were both taking at a junior college in northern California. Besides our love of gardening and our desire to learn more – among other things we had in common were midwestern roots and a new-found interest in Gary Zukav.
It wasn’t long before Cindy was attending the Thursday night “Soul Circles” I hosted in my Walnut Creek home. She, and her husband Gary and their son Jordan included us in their Shabbat dinner…a first for us.
Cindy and I took our by-now-weekly hike in the nearby canyons on a September morning in 1991…to discover upon our return, that the day – September 11th would be remembered for more then just our hike.
When the kids and I left California that August more than 5 ½ years ago to move to Rockford, it was Cindy that drove us to the airport.
Over the years that have passed, Cindy and I kept in touch – off and on. Sometimes by letter. Sometimes by email. Occasionally by phone.
Sometimes on.
Sometimes off… for long stretches.
Unexplainably (seemingly) Cindy “happened” to be visiting family in Oakbrook that cold, wintery February morning (or was it early March?) that we followed the limo carrying Rory’s body to the cemetery in Hillside – the place where his mom and older sister’s bodies are buried. She knew he was seriously sick, but until she “read about it in the Chicago Tribune” she didn’t know he had died. Of course, she drove to the cemetery and greeted us there that dark snowy morning.
We reconnected a few months ago and Cindy – having moved to Colorado with her family shortly after the kids and I moved to Rockford – flew home to visit her sick dad and squeezed out a visit to Rockford this past St. Patrick’s Day.
She returned to visit again this weekend.
Sunday morning, she gave me a present. She said it was from Rory…for Mother’s Day.
She handed me a small box wrapped in a shiny gold bag tied with a golden chord. As I removed the box…I could see the Japanese art…golden brush strokes, pink flowers (plum blossoms, I was to learn) and dark black ink Japanese symbols.
Inside the box were a white ceramic boat shaped incense holder and many, many sticks of incense… peach blossom incense.
________________________________
I have been taking yoga classes since last August. What began as a respite and distraction from the great flood of August 2007…has become an almost daily practice.
As we enter our yoga teacher’s studio…I am always “awakened” by the scent that greets me. Sometimes subtle. Sometimes strong. Floral. Citrus. Hard to decipher… always brings me into the present moment.
A week or so ago she talked about the days she used to burn incense… “One of my clients found the scent offensive so I stopped burning it… even though I had just purchased us enough to keep us going for months…”
We asked her to consider burning the incense again…
And I decided at that moment, to find the incense I had received as a gift when I left California and start burning it again. But the thought was fleeting…not to be visited or acted upon again…
Until Mother’s Day morning.
When Cindy gave me the gift.
From Rory she said.
Peach blossom incense.
How did she know?
How do these things happen?
What happens to the people we love after they die?
Do they continue to exist?
Are they aware of us?
Are they able to communicate with us?
Thank you Cindy.
Thank you Rory.
Question everything.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Mother`s Day 2008
The death of someone we love breaks us open.
And we either fall into a deep, deep sleep…because the pain of our new life seems too much to bear.
Or we begin to awaken…because the pain of sleeping for the rest of our new life seems too much to bear.
If we awaken, among the many, many, many new things we discover (again or for the first time) is the truth that one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, our family, our friends, even the world - is learning how to mother ourselves.
This discovery is one of the many gifts available to us as we learn to live with the death of someone we love.
So…as Mother’s Day 2008 approaches think about the ways you have learned, are learning, or would like to learn to mother yourself.
We only have to look to our own Mother to take the first step.
Each mother offers valuable, complex gifts.
If you had the perfect mother, you were blessed to sit at the feet of a master.
If you are wise enough to understand that, of course, you had the perfect mother … it could be no other way … then you are on your way to making peace with your life.
And if your mother fell short of mothering you the way you needed (wanted) to be mothered… then consider being grateful for the help she gave you in beginning to compile you “How Not To Be A Great Mother” list.
Each mother does the best she can. It can be no other way.
The day comes when it’s time for the mother torch to pass to the person you see as you look in the mirror. Can you receive it?
If so, ask yourself…
How do I mother me?
Am I even able to mother myself?
Where do I begin?
With compassion, and gentleness, and forgiveness, and patience, and laughter, and understanding.
With kindness.
The same way you’d mother your own child…or your new puppy. Only this time it’s you that you’re mothering.
Schedule quiet time with yourself. Just you and you.
How do I mother me?
Take good care of yourself this weekend. Mother’s Day weekend.
As you celebrate and honor and remember the women (and men) who have been mother to you… consider the ways that you can mother yourself.
You are worth it.
And your family, your friends, the entire world will feel the effects.
Hope and peace,
Tom
If you’d like to listen to the Mother’s Day message I recorded two years, click: Mother’s Day 2006.
Consider using this candle ceremony to honor and remember those you love that have died this Mother’s Day: Candle Ceremony.
Sunday, May 4, 2008 5:51 pm CST
Am I “normal?”
Am I “doing it right?”
Am I “healing?”
All questions that those of us who are learning to live with the death of someone we love ask ourselves… silently or out loud.
Or both.
Questions that those of you who are ‘watching from the sidelines” may ask as well.
Last weekend our local newspaper profiled some past “Young Americans” … area teenagers selected and honored as most promising and as our future leaders. The paper said that Young Americans have gone on to become “doctors, lawyers, captains of industry, chiefs of police and professionals of every stripe.”
In this morning’s paper, 40 area teenagers were profiled as this year’s crop of “Young Americans.”
I think of Rory… and what might have been. I ask myself…If Rory had lived, would he have been named a “Young American” some day? I think so…
I notice a wide, wide range of feelings and emotions running through my body.
And as I skim through the honored 40… looking at the faces, noting the schools, reading about future plans…
I see a name I recognize.
Kalah Polsean
Auburn High School
Daughter of Jeffrey and Jill Polsean
“Kalah plans to attend the University of Illinois to study physiology. She would ultimately like to obtain a master’s degree in child physiology and work in that field.”
And in the space where Kalah’s many high achievements are noted.
I read:
Rory Zuba Spirit Award
And I read it again:
Rory Zuba Spirit Award
And my eyes fill with tears.
Happy. Sad. Angry. Thankful. Amazed. Lonely. Grateful. Proud.
And many other feelings and emotions.
And I think – perhaps - I’m normal.
Perhaps I’m doing it right.
Perhaps I’m healing.
And most of all, I think - I’m so glad my most amazing son is not forgotten.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Wednesday, April 2, 2008 9:56 pm CST
Some of you may recall that my gardens were decimated last August by our 100-year-flood that not only surrounded my entire house but also filled my basement with 8 feet of dirty water.
The flood was followed by a winter that simply wouldn’t end. More snow fell in Rockford then ever before --- a winter for the record books. The snow just fell and fell and continued to fall. A real old-fashioned winter people said.
Beneath the flood waters of August…
And buried deep beneath the snows of November and December and January and February and March…
Lay the bulbs of spring flowers.
Silent.
Still.
Buried.
Protected.
Waiting.
Patiently.
Perhaps even wondering.
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote in his book no death, no fear:
“When conditions are sufficient things manifest. When conditions are no longer sufficient things withdraw. They wait until the moment is right for them to manifest again.”
Today…
Conditions were sufficient for the first spring flowers to manifest.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
Springs follows winter.
Light follows dark.
Always.
Always.
Always.
Tom
Perhaps conditions are right for you to attend my my upcoming workshop. If so, double click:
Tuesday, April 1, 2008 9:10 am CST
Sunday afternoon, at Rockford College, I saw Artists’ ensemble’s production of the Pulitzer Prize winning play “Rabbit Hole” by David Lindsay-Albaire. It’s the story of one family’s struggle with life following the accidental death of a 4-year-old boy.
The playwright says,
“When I was working on the play, I did a lot of reading about bereaved parents, and one of the things that kept coming up in my reading was the description of a world that didn’t make sense anymore. The parents would be shocked to look out their window and see people putting out their trash. They would think ‘How can they go on with their lives, when my child has died?’ Things that used to make sense to them made no sense at all. It’s sort of that Alice in Wonderland point of view: the world is upside-down, and how do I make it right again?”
I thought the play itself was excellent. Accurate and authentic. Brutally honest. For me, it was as if someone had set up a video camera in my home…and filmed the days, weeks and months following the death of my daughter Erin. In that regard, although painful to “experience” again… there was something comforting seeing the universality and even normalness of the “upside-down” world one inhabits following the death of someone you love. Private moments are made public. Light shines on darkness.
I thought Artists’ ensemble’s production was amazing and most definitely worth seeing. Perhaps because I am “the father” Lance Retallick’s portrayal of Howie, the father really touched me. In my opinion, he hit the nail on the head.
The play runs only one more weekend and tickets can be purchased by calling 815.394.5004. If you’re interested, call soon. I know the shows are selling out. I highly recommend it.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Sunday, March 30, 2008 10:37 am CST
I know this drives some people crazy…but at times I can be somewhat anal about language used and words chosen.
Words like religion, and spirituality, truth, God, a higher power, the universe, heaven, etc. mean one thing to one person and something completely different to another person… and yet something else to the next person.
Words can be limiting and confusing. Words can build bridges and at times words can start wars.
I’m particularly struck, as of late, by the words written and spoken by best-selling author Eckhart Tolle. In the 3rd teleclass he and Oprah are offering to the world via oprah.com he says:
“Every human being has a spiritual teacher – for most people it’s their suffering.”
If you are in the throes of great suffering today due to an indescribable loss due to the death of someone you love dearly…consider for a moment (if you can) that this suffering might be your greatest spiritual teacher – if you can allow it to be.
See if you can hold that thought for even a moment. To plant that seed.
If you are not able to even consider that thought today. Move on. Be gentle with yourself. These words are not for you – today.
There is a remarkable video making the rounds. I have received it from a number of friends… as you may have also. If you haven’t seen “The Last Lecture” given by Randy Pausch – I strongly encourage you to watch it at:
To see a preview of Diane Sawyer’s upcoming April 9th interview with Randy go to:
Randy’s homepage is:
you can find out about his upcoming book and more there.
Listening to Randy’s words reminds me of something Tolle said:
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
Remarkable and inspiring. A road map for some.
Hope and peace,
Tom
For information on my upcoming workshop double click:
Thursday, March 27, 2008 11:40 am CST
“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the
whole staircase, just take the first step.”
~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I don’t know if this is true for other people, but, for me… there came a time during each of my three “grief journeys” when I became sick of the journey itself. I grew tired of the darkness. Of the despair. Of the sadness, the confusion, the loneliness, the isolation, the anger, the answerless questions, etc. etc. etc. Tired of all the ways grief expresses itself. Tired of being tired. Of the lack of energy. The lack of connection to life. The lack of purpose, meaning, future…hope.
I was sick of the whole grief thing. Sick of the pain and the misery.
It felt like I was ready for something else. Finally.
How to end the pain?
I questioned everything. Everything.
Questioning everything can be a scary thing… especially if we’ve lived a life that left answering the questions to someone else… but, as I felt I had already lost everything that really mattered to me, it didn’t seem as if I had much to lose by questioning – everything.
So, I did.
The questioning introduced me to many authors, many books, many thoughts and many ideas. New ways to look at life. Some I embraced, others I tossed…as I continued to question – everything.
One of the authors who resonated – and that I continue to find difficult to comprehend (in my head) at times is Eckhart Tolle. His book The Power of Now ranks in my Top 10 Most Influential Books list.
I’m currently reading his book A New Earth. As I’ve mentioned before, Oprah is giving us a wonderful opportunity to dive deeper into the book with Eckhart himself through a free, 10-week teleclass she is offering online. Oprah and Eckhart are spending 90 minutes each Monday evening (for 10 weeks) discussing the book, chapter by chapter. The beauty of the program is that each class is recorded so you are able to view each class at a time convenient to you. If you’re interested, you can find more information at oprah.com.
A provocative, challenging, perhaps even anger-inducing statement Eckhart makes on page 96 is:
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
He goes on to say:
“Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel.”
So, the day came when I decided to examine my thoughts regarding Erin’s death, and Trici’s death and Rory’s death…which lead me to identifying and examining my thoughts and beliefs about death in general… as well as many other things.
And rebirth and transformation begins.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Easter 2008, 11:20 am CST
I don`t know who wrote these words but I like them. I hope they bring comfort, peace and hope this Easter Sunday.
"So many people imagine that death cruelly separates us from our loved ones. Even pious people are lead to believe this great and sad mistake. When our loved ones die, they do not leave us. They remain. They do not go to some dark and distant place. They simply begin their eternity. We do not see them because we are still in the darkness of the world. But their spiritual eyes, filled with the light of heaven, are always watching us as they wait for the day when we will share their perfect joy. We are all born for heaven and one by one we end this life to begin our life in endless happiness.
I have often reflected on this beautiful truth and found it the greatest and surest comfort in time of mourning. A firm faith in the real and continued presence of our loved ones has brought the conviction and consolation that death has not destroyed them, nor carried them away. Rather it has given them life! A life with power to know fully and to love perfectly. With this new life and new power our loved ones are always present to us, knowing and loving us more than ever before.
The tears that dampen our eyes in times of mourning are tears of homesickness, tears of longing for our loved ones. But it is we who are away from home, not they. Death has been for them a doorway to an eternal home. And only because this heavenly home is invisible to our worldly eyes, we cannot see them so near us. Yet, they are with us, lovingly and tenderly waiting for the day when we, too, will enter the doorway of our eternal home. No, death is not a separation. It is a preparation for eternal union with those we love, in the peace and joy of heaven."
Thursday, March 20, 2008 5:55 pm CST
In his book The Power of Intention Wayne Dyer writes:
“A tiny acorn with no apparent power to think or make plans for its future contains intention… If you cut the acorn open, you won’t see a giant oak tree, but you know it’s there. An apple blossom in the springtime appears to be a pretty little flower, yet it has intent built into it and will manifest in the summer as an apple. Intention doesn’t err. The acorn never turns into a pumpkin, or the apple blossom into an orange. Every aspect of nature, without exception, has intention built into it, and as far as we can tell, nothing in nature questions its path of intent. Nature simply progresses in harmony from the field of intention. We, too, are intended from the energy of this field.”
I’ve always loved spring.
I have an early spring birthday – maybe that’s why I love this season so.
As I’ve learned – not once, not twice, but now three times – how to live life with the death of someone I love… I find I love spring even more.
Spring – and the winter that comes before it – remind me so much of life lived with the death of someone we love.
Spring – following a long, long, long cold, dark, lonely, isolating, seemingly unbearable, never-ending winter – offers hope.
And newness. And color. And intoxicating scents. And fragile flowers. And chirping noises. And baby animals. And...
All things that were present following the death of someone we love… but things we were unable to experience. The death shattered us so. We had to shut down. To survive.
But as we begin to open. Slowly. So slowly...
Spring holds the promise, the continuation, the fulfillment of life itself.
Spring allows rebirth.
Spring follows the darkness of winter. Always. Always.
I’m facilitating a 4-part workshop at Womanspace in Rockford called:
Planting the Seeds of Rebirth
The workshop will be held the four Wednesdays in April – 9, 16, 23, 30 from 6:30-8:30 pm. Cost is $80.
Spring is a time of birth and rebirth. Take time to discover what wants to be born in you.
If you are living with loss of any kind – death, divorce, illness, disability, unemployment - join a small group of kindred spirits to create sacred space where, using simple expressive arts activities, we will excavate grief, mourn safely and gently lean into possibility for our life. Our open-hearted intention will be to reconnect with our inner voice, that we might step into the power of transformation and birth limitless possibility. No art experience necessary. All materials will be provided.
Please register by calling 815.877.0118.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Wednesday, March 5, 2008 12:59 pm CST
“Whenever tragic loss occurs, you either resist or you yield.
Some people become bitter or deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise and loving. Yielding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to life.
Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of ego. You are closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful. If the shutters are closed, the sunlight cannot come in.
When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary, your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence, the unconditioned consciousness which in a state of inner openness you become one with. Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Coincidences happen.
If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender. You rest in God.”
--- wrote Eckhart Tolle on page 57 in his book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.
One of the ways I have described life after the death of my daughter Erin…and then again after the death of my wife, Trici and my son Rory is that I was living with a broken (shattered, really) heart. A heart broken into a million little pieces – scattered by the wind.
As the days, weeks, months and even years pass…my task seems to be to embark on a journey to find those missing heart pieces. Once found, a decision has to be made. Does this piece still fit as it is? Is some tinkering required? Or does this piece no longer serve me as it is, and as I am?
It’s become clear, that in order for my broken heart to heal, I’ve also needed to add brand new pieces to make the whole.
And I’m the one that always gets to decide what glue I am going to use to bound the heart together. I can use the glue of bitterness and resentment… or I can use the glue of compassion, wisdom and love. The choice is mine. Every day.
If Eckhart Tolle’s words resonate with you at all (as they do with me) I encourage you to participate in Oprah’s 10-week teleclass with Eckhart, which will focus on his newest book, A New Earth. The first 90-minute live class was held Monday evening… but you can watch a videotape of the class by visiting oprah.com. I highly recommend it. And it`s free.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Tuesday, February 26, 2008 1:41 pm CST
Seasoned Grief
After the first few years, most people assume you’ve “moved on” following the death of someone you love. I’m not sure we “move on” but I know we can learn to “move with” the death of a loved one and build new dreams and new lives. If the death you’re living with occurred a few years ago - or more - and if you’d like to revisit your relationship with the person you love that died, spend a few hours gently peeling back some of the layers setting the intention to live the life we were born to live.
My intention is to create a safe space where we can simply “be” with each other as we take a look at our seasoned grief.
I am facilitating this workshop – Seasoned Grief - at Womanspace in Rockford this Saturday, March 1st from 10:00 am to 3:00 pm. Cost is $60.00. Please bring a sack lunch.
You can register by calling 815.877.0118.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Thursday, January 31, 2008 8:39 am CST
If you – or someone you know – is in the very early stages of learning to live with the death of someone you know…
If you – or someone you know – is very tentatively venturing out into the wilderness of grief…
If you – or someone you know – is feeling all alone with your grief, confused, hopeless, angry, overwhelmed with sadness…
If you – or someone you know – is looking for information and tools that may make the grief journey more bearable…
I hope you will consider attending my new workshop scheduled for this Saturday, February 2nd at Womanspace in Rockford, IL. You can register by calling 815.877.0118.
When Grief is New
Saturday, February 2, 2008 from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm,
Cost is $70
When death touches our lives, we’re often ill prepared, ill-equipped and caught off guard. I know I was. If the grief you are experiencing is new, spend a day taking a closer look and gaining a better understanding of grief, mourning and denial. I’m going to share much of what I’ve learned over the past 18 years about the journey through grief in hopes that you will discover some tools to help you begin to rebuild your own life.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008 9:15 am CST
UPCOMING PROGRAMS
If you are in the Rockford area I want to let you know about a few upcoming events I will be participating in. If you – or someone you know – are interested in attending, I hope you will join me. Over and over I have seen healing occur when people gather… setting the intention to heal. As I’ve said before, when the intention is set…the Universe rises up (big time) to support that healing intention.
And… I have the utmost respect for those people who do decide to set the intention to heal… venture out of their homes… and join a circle of “strangers” (fellow travelers, really) all intent on reaching for the light… believing (hoping) it’s possible, as they are surrounded by darkness.
So, if any of these programs resonate… I hope you will take a deep breath and join us.
This weekend I will be participating in two events, which are part of Emmanuel Lutheran Church’s MID-WINTER SPIRIT-FEST. The church is located at 6th Street & 3rd Avenue in Rockford, IL
My presentation, which is open to everyone, is called
“Searching for Gifts in the Darkness"
This Saturday, January 26th.
1:00 pm presentation followed by a hands-on workshop from 2:15-4:00 pm. You may attend both the presentation and workshop…or just the presentation.
There is no cost but please register by calling 815-963-4815.
I will also be part of Emmanuel Lutheran’s 9:30 am worship service on Sunday morning, January 27th called
"The River of Light: A Celebration" Dialog with Tom Zuba on Hope.
All are welcome.
_______________________________________________________
I am also facilitating a new workshop at Womanspace in Rockford, IL You can register by calling 815.877.0118.
When Grief is New
Saturday, February 2, 2008 from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm,
Cost is $70
When death touches our lives, we’re often ill prepared, ill-equipped and caught off guard. I know I was. If the grief you are experiencing is new, spend a day taking a closer look and gaining a better understanding of grief, mourning and denial. I’m going to share much of what I’ve learned over the past 18 years about the journey through grief in hopes that you will discover some tools to help you begin to rebuild your own life.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Friday, January 11, 2008 7:51 am CST
What Do I Do Now?
Dealing With Multiple Losses is the name of the program I was interviewed for by mother/daughter team Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley. Their VoiceAmerica show is called “Healing the Grieving Heart.” I’ve mentioned it on this site before.
You can listen to a recording of my hour-long interview at MP3 Link.
I was really hoping to spend the bulk of our time talking about ways people who are in the midst of grieving can begin to consciously participate in their own healing – their own transformation. I was hoping to talk about some of the concrete steps people can take to begin the “rest of their life” as detailed in my December 31st Journal Entry. But, as often is the case, people are so fascinated by the experiences I’ve lived through and am learning to live with – the death of my daughter Erin in 1990, my wife Trici on 1999 and my son Rory in 2005 – that we spent a lot time talking about these three deaths. As I listened to the show a second time… I am trusting that my story and experiences will give HOPE to those that feel hopeless. New life is within our reach!
And it requires a tremendous amount of work.
I think it’s essential – that in order to heal – we find a way to re-light the fire of hope that burns within us… even if it is only the tiniest spark.
So, I hope will set aside some time to listen to the interview.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley’s blog, www.thegriefblog.com is worth visiting. Among other things, you will find archived all past interviews on a wide variety of subjects. They are worth listening too.
Hope and peace to you,
Tom
Sunday, January 6, 2008 11:01 am CST
As you commit to mourning this year. Really mourning. Digging deep and excavating all the expressions of grief you are experiencing, have experienced and have perhaps buried deep within – be prepared for anything and everything.
Consciously or unconsciously many of us carry around a list of “appropriate” feelings, thoughts and emotions as well as a list of “inappropriate” feelings, thoughts and emotions.
We tend to repress, deny, or pretend ourselves through feelings, thoughts and emotions we have labeled inappropriate.
Feelings, thoughts and emotions have a beginning, middle and end. We realize that when we can be the observer of our feelings, thoughts and emotions. By observing – we can sometimes slow the speed of the roller coaster of feelings, thoughts and emotions that IS grief.
It can be unnerving and unsettling to realize that a part of you may be actually relived that your loved one has died.
You might wonder how one minute you can miss that person more than you thought possible… and the next minute feel indescribable anger at that person for leaving you.
If it’s a child that died – you may wish that if one of your children had to die… why wasn’t it a different one? Not this one, dear God – this child I loved so much.
You may look at your siblings and wish it had been their spouse that died – not yours.
You may be furious at God for not answering your prayers for healing or for safety or for a long, long life of happiness together.
You feel guilty that you feel a bit of freedom you’ve never experienced before.
You may feel guilty that you have thoughts of ending you own life.
You have two choices.
One is to deny and repress and pretend that you are not feeling or thinking any of these “inappropriate thoughts and/or feelings. To deny, to repress, to pretend requires an extraordinary amount of energy…at a time when your supply of energy is at an all time low. It’s part of the reason people living with grief feel so exhausted and run down and burnt out.
The second choice is to mourn. To “go public” with your grief. Rather than locking it all inside, take a risk, put your feelings, thoughts and emotions into words… in the safe presence of a loving human being. Hear yourself speak the unspeakable. Give yourself permission to feel “inappropriate” feelings.
It’s okay. It’s all okay.
It’s a path to healing. Your healing.
Commit to your own healing this year by mourning.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Friday, January 4, 2008 9:40 am CST
Set the intention to mourn this year. Trust that mourning – “going public” with your grief in the presence of another human being is a path to healing… your broken heart, your shattered dreams, your unimaginable life.
Mourning takes effort, and energy, and persistence. It’s hard work. It may be some of the hardest work you have ever done. Consider mourning your second job. Consider mourning an investment in yourself. An investment in your relationships with family and friends – but most of all consider mourning an investment in your relationship with yourself.
A challenge you may face is that after a few days, a week or two at best, most people let you know (subtly or not-so-subtly) that they are uncomfortable with your grief. Permission to mourn is no longer granted. The belief out there seems to be that “feeling your feelings is the problem.” So, the advice is to “keep busy.” Don’t think about it. See a movie. “Don’t you know he/she wants you to be happy?” “Be strong for your family…for the children.” “He’s in a better place.” Etc., etc., etc.
Nothing could be farther than the truth.
So, it is your job to find a safe place where you feel comfortable mourning. And this too can take a tremendous amount of effort, energy and persistence.
Look for a therapist. Even if you’ve never seen a counselor before, now is the time to strongly consider it. Ask people you know for a referral. Check your health insurance to see if they have a list of approved people in your area. Ask your doctor, your minister, the people you worked with at the funeral home. Ask the social worker at your local hospital or school. Look in the yellow pages.
Screen the therapist on the phone before you make an appointment. Do you care if you see a man or a woman? If your spouse died, do you want to see someone who is married? If your child died, is it important to you that your counselor has kids? Does religion matter? Or spirituality?
Once you make the appointment, I think it’s a good idea to commit to seeing the person three times before you decide if it’s a “good fit” or not. The nature of therapy is that you may not feel so good after the first few sessions…especially if you unearth and excavate a lot of repressed grief. So, commit to three times. And then if you decide it’s not the best fit – move on to the next possibility.
Look for a support group – either a live, in-person group – or one of the many support groups you can find online now. Search for a group the same way you search for a therapist. Ask around. Ask you doctor, your minister, the funeral home. Check your newspaper’s calendar listing. Call the hospital. You may have drive a distance – but a good group will be worth the trip. Again, commit to going three times before you decide if this group is right for you. Initially, the experience may be overwhelming.
Keep in mind that mourning is hard work. It may be why many people don’t do it. It’s too hard…initially.
Commit to finding a “grief buddy.” My daughter Erin died from something called hemolytic uremic syndrome. I’ve never met a parent of a child who died from the same thing. My wife Trici died from a protein C deficiency. I’ve never met a person whose spouse died from the same thing. My son Rory died from glioblastoma multiforme. I’ve met a few adults whose spouse’s died from GBM – but to the best of my knowledge, I’ve never met a parent whose child died from that type of brain cancer. It’s much more common in adults. But I have talked to many people who are learning to live new lives with the death of someone they love. And, often, there’s a common kinship. A bound. An understanding.
So, search for someone you can have coffee with – once a week. Or go on walks with. Or share rides to a support group. Or meet after church every Sunday. Commit to accompanying one other person on their journey through grief as they commit to accompanying you on your journey. Yes, it’s hard work. It’s a path to healing.
Set the intention to mourn this year. If it’s been a week since the death, a year, 10 years. Set the intention to “go public” with your grief…the internal, automatic, unlearned response to loss.
One day at a time. Sometimes moment by moment.
Set the intention. The Universe backs you up big time.
Hope and peace,
Tom
Thursday, January 3, 2008 12:40 pm CST
Three days into the New Year.
On December 31st I wrote about setting an intention to consciously participate in our transformation… the transformation of our very being that is inevitable following the death of someone we love. The transformation that is unfolding in our life right now… regardless of whether or not we are conscious of it, or allowing it to unfold unconsciously.
It’s been my experience that the death of someone we love intimately is so explosive – so beyond our comprehension – that our life is marked permanently by the event. As we reflect back (when we are able) we think about our life before the death occurred and after the death occurred. For many of us, it’s the end of innocence.
In my last Journal Entry I listed six things anyone can do to actively participate in building a new life. It’s about being an active, empowered participant in life as opposed to feeling like a beaten-down victim. And I know it takes time to move from one to the other.
Even though, this message is counter to Society’s message (subtle or not so subtle) for those of us learning to live with the death of someone we live…I am a HUGE proponent of mourning.
We often need permission to mourn.
We need to be proactive in “going public” with what is occurring on the inside. We need to talk. To share – in the safe presence of another human being. It’s a way to begin to get comfortable with the reality of our new life. It’s a way to begin to believe the unbelievable… someone we love dearly has died.
We’re not complaining. We’re not moaning and groaning. We’re not making things worse. We’re not being ungrateful, or unfaithful, or depressing.
We’re human beings and we’re taking the bold step of feeling all the emotions, thoughts and feelings that are expressions of our grief. Rather than stuffing…repressing…pretending…we are actively choosing to experience our life. And oftentimes, our life is not pretty. It’s sad and painful and dark and lonely and depressing and confusing and full of regrets and anger and “what ifs” and “whys” … but its REAL. And it all needs to be expressed. It all needs to be moved from the inside to the outside.
If we want to heal. And live again. Or live fully, maybe for the first time, we need to mourn.
Mourning – going public with our grief in the presence of another human being - is a way to heal.
If you need a safe place to “go public” with your grief… consider writing in our Guestbook. You – and your grief – are welcome there.
Set the intention to actively participate in your healing this year. Commit to mourning.
The Universe will back you up. We will accompany you.
Hope and peace,
Tom
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