Saturday, May 13, 2006 6:18 am CST
On Mother’s Day Weekend 2006…
I think Mother’s Day is a complex day for many people. People who are separated from their mother…either by death or distance or disagreement. People who are longing to become a mother … or a father. People who never knew their mother. Or finally found and got to know a mother…who never really wanted them in the first place. And people who love being mom … and dad … and due to the death of a beloved child (regardelss of the age) … are not quite certain anymore exactly where they fall into the definition of mother … or father.
Mother’s Day can be complex.
My own mother is still very much alive. And I am grateful for that.
I was the helpless, unprepared, broken husband - standing by as my wife Trici grieved and mourned the loss of our first born, our 18-month-old daughter Erin in 1990…while I grieved and mourned our loss as well.
And I was the broken, not-quite-as-helpless, not-quite-as-unprepared father who carried my sons, 3-year-old Sean and 7-year-old Rory, when their mother Trici died in 1999.
And by 2005, I had become the mother/father who discovered the real depth of “A Mother’s Love” as I accompanied my 13-year-old-son, Rory on a 6-month journey that “ended” with his death on February 22, 2005.
So, today, I share an audio message with you. It’s about 14 minutes long. I hope you will take the time to settle in, grab a cup of coffee, and “be” with the words … and feel the feelings that the words bring up in you…
If you find value in this message … if it resonates with you … I hope you will share it with others on your email list by inviting them to visit this site and listen themselves.
And today, I hope you have a moment or two of peace, of connection, of remembering… I hope, for a moment or two, you feel “a mother’s love,” an open-armed, room-for-all, comforting, encompassing, accepting, nurturing, compassionate, kind, loving mother’s love…for yourself…and for all creatures on this earth.
Please click icon to hear Mother`s Day audio "A Mother`s Love."
Peace to you this Mother`s Day.
Tom
Friday, May 12, 2006 8:18 am CST
Dear Friends,
I want to thank each person who helped make my presentation last night at St. James Parish Hall a reality. What an incredible evening!
I especially want to thank each courageous person … who left the comfort of their own home…who braved the cold, the wind, the rain … to spend time with me “Leaning Into Your Own Transformation.” I hope you feel your time was well spent.
As I said last night … I hoped I created a bridge … from where you find yourself right now … to where you’d like to see yourself … as you learn to live a full, joy-filled life with the death of someone you love.
As I mentioned, I was tape recording last night’s presentation, and will hang the audio file as soon as we are able. When that happens, you will be able to listen to the presentation again…and follow along with the visual PowerPoint presentation. If you were unable to attend the event last night … or live out of town … or out of the country (welcome Australia!!!) you, too, will be able to share the experience via this audio file.
Finally, I have created a special Forum for everyone who attended last night’s presentation AND for anyone that listens to the audio. I hope we will be able to “Continue the Conversation” at that Forum. In the days to come…I will post some of the questions that were asked last night… provide some “food for thought” and then invite you to share your thoughts and feelings.
On another note…I know some of you have been patiently waiting for my Mother’s Day audio… which I had hoped to make available a few days ago. I appreciate your patience. I hope to have it up shortly…so, please check back later today.
Within the next day or two...I will also post information about a series of workshops and a weekend retreat I am facilitating this summer at the vibrant 317 Market Street Building in the heart of downtown`s Art Community.
Blessings to you each.
Tom
Sunday, May 7, 2006 10:28 pm CST
Dear Friends,
If you are a first-time visitor to my site…welcome! I’m glad you are here.
Please take your time and visit all corners of this site. There’s a lot to take in. You may find it interesting to read through past Journal Entries (click on the highlighted word and you will be taken directly to the Journal Entries) … and to visit the Guestbook. We’d love to have you take the time to post in the Guestbook – tell us who you are, how you heard about the site, what drew you here…
I’d also like you to consider filling out the “Consciously Participate” Form. By doing so, you strengthen your connection to the sacred circle that is being created here…and you strengthen the circle as well.
This Thursday, May 11th I will be speaking at St. James Parish Hall in Rockford. The topic is “Permission To Mourn: Leaning Into the Transformational Power of Loss.” For more information about my presentation you can click on “You’re Invited.” To share this information with others that might benefit from being with us on May 11th, you can cut-and-paste that announcement into your own email and send it with your own personal invitation. You can also press “print version” in the lower left, print out the flyer and distribute it in hard copy to family and friends.
For those of you that live out of the area, I will be recording the presentation and, along with the supporting Power Point presentation, will make it available to you in a format similar to the March 20th Call. When you are able to access that audio tool, I will announce it in this Journal.
I also hope you’ll take the time to look at a the latest issue of a beautiful transformational magazine called, “Evolving Your Spirit.” The publisher kindly agreed to include an article I wrote specifically for the May issue on Manifesting. She titled my piece “Experience.” You can find more information at “Evolving Your Spirit.”
Finally, I am in the process of creating a Mother’s Day Audio message…similar in format to the message I recorded for Easter. The message will be available on this site next Wednesday, May 10th. I hope you will listen to it. If you like it, I hope you will consider inviting others on your email list to come to the site and listen … friends, relatives, neighbors, or colleagues of yours that may be experiencing their first Mother’s Day without their own mother… mothers (or fathers) that may be marking their first Mother’s Day without their own children…no matter how old the child was when he/she died.
And most importantly, I hope you will consider inviting young fathers … who have lost their wives …and who are raising children ... to visit this site and listen to my Mother’s Day message. It’s a message that I wish I had heard … years ago … when I was raising my 2 young sons – alone – after the death of their mother.
Again, thanks for accompanying me on this journey. We were meant to travel together.
Peace,
Tom
Wednesday, May 3, 2006 12:07 pm CST
Various thoughts…
In no way, shape or form am I a statistician. It’s the creative side of my brain that is dominant…so, it is not a “natural” for me to look at numbers and draw conclusions…
However, this is what I know.
In the first two days of May, we’ve had 171 first time visitors to the site. In those two days, there have been 10,165 hits. I find that remarkable! I believe that the rise in site visitors may be due to the fact that several churches in the Rockford area are promoting my May 11th speaking engagement at St. James Parish Hall.
So, if you are a first time visitor…WELCOME!
If you are a first-time visitor, please consider completely the “Consciously Participate” Form. (Click on the highlighted word and you will be taken directly to the Form.) By doing so, you strengthen your connection to the sacred circle that is being created here…and you strengthen the circle as well.
For more information about my presentation next Thursday at St. James you can click on “You’re Invited.” To share this information with others that might benefit from being with us on May 11th, you can cut-and-paste that announcement into your own email and send it with your own personal invitation. You can also press “print version” in the lower left, print out the flyer and distribute it in hard copy to family and friends.
For those of you that live out of the area, I will be recording the presentation and, along with the supporting Power Point presentation, will make it available to you in a format similar to the March 20th Call. When you are able to access that audio tool, I will announce it in this Journal.
*******************************************************
I also want to remind people living in the area that we have a unique opportunity this Saturday, May 6th to experience author Gary Zukav and his partner Linda Francis “live and in person.” My friends, Gary and Linda will be facilitating a workshop in Highland Park called “The Great Consciousness Transformation and Authentic Power.” Reading Gary’s book, “The Seat of the Soul” was a pivotal point in my own transformation. In 1998, Oprah called, “The Seat of the Soul” the most significant book she had ever read next to the Bible. So, if you are familiar with Gary’s work … or if you have time to stop by the bookstore to determine if his books resonate with you … or, if you simply feel moved to attend this workshop - I would strongly encourage you to go. For more information you can visit Gary’s website. If you do go, I’d love to hear about your experience…
***************************************************************
You can read a little about my interaction with Gary’s book, “The Seat of the Soul” in the latest issue of a beautiful transformational magazine called, “Evolving Your Spirit.” The publisher kindly agreed to include an article I wrote specifically for the May issue which she titled “Experience.” You can find more information at “Evolving Your Spirit.”
************************************************************************************
Finally, I am in the process of creating a Mother’s Day Audio message…similar in format to the message I recorded for Easter. The message will be available on this site next Wednesday, May 10th. I hope you will listen to it. If you like it, I hope you will consider inviting others on your email list to come to the site and listen … friends, relatives, neighbors, or colleagues of yours that may be experiencing their first Mother’s Day without their own mother… mothers (or fathers) that may be marking their first Mother’s Day without their own children…no matter how old the child was when he/she died.
And most importantly, I hope you will consider inviting young fathers … who have lost their wives …and who are raising children ... to visit this site and listen to my Mother’s Day message. It’s a message that I wish I had heard … years ago … when I was raising my 2 young sons – alone – after the death of their mother.
Again, thanks for accompanying me on this journey,
Peace,
Tom
Saturday, April 29, 2006 8:00 am CST
"We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens."
Epictetus, Greek philosopher
I find this statement to be most challenging, disturbing, sometimes stressful, always thought-provoking, very provocative…and ultimately hope-filled.
It invites me to engage or re-engage with my own life.
“We are disturbed…by our thoughts about what happens.”
I firmly believe that you are each entitled to your own thoughts and beliefs. We all are. In fact, I encourage you to Question Everything. Everything. It’s one of the gifts of living with the death of someone you love. When your life has been shattered in a million little pieces…and your heart feels like it has been torn apart…
…there are plenty of wide-open spaces for questions…and new thoughts, beliefs ... knowings.
Question Everything. If you are able.
So, I believe you have every right to choose these thoughts:
“Unfair…so unfair…life can be unfair. He didn’t deserve this. I don’t know how our loads in life get assigned or even if they get assigned, but he just didn’t deserve this.”
I repeat…I believe you have every right to choose to think this way.
And… I invite you to examine those thoughts…believing it is our unexamined thoughts that cause us incredible, often debilitating, energy-draining pain.
When you hold the thought…
Life can be unfair.
He didn’t deserve that.
How do you feel?
How do you react?
How do you move through your own life? ... Life isn`t fair ...
Do you see the world as a loving, compassionate place…or a random, chaotic place?
If you believe in a God, or a higher power, or whatever you choose to call him/her/they/it … how do you feel about “your concept of God” when you hold the belief that “life is unfair? That he didn’t deserve this?”
Where is God in the "unfairness of life?"
Who would you be if you surrendered completely to the mystery of life?
Who would you be … if you believed that while you are unable to grasp this in your mind, in your head…in your heart there is an unexplainable knowing that we are all being held - cradled – lifted – supported by a power, a force, an energy, a love beyond description?
We are all being held…always. All of us. Always. Not some of the time. All of the time.
Who would you be?
Who would you be … if you knew at the deepest level – despite your inability to comprehend it in your head – to feel it all the time - that all is well. That there are no mistakes. That not only is life fair…but it is perfect?
Who would you be…if you took 15 minutes today…and tomorrow… to examine just one of the thoughts that causes you incredible pain?
Write the painful thought down.
Ask yourself if it is true?
Is it absolutely true?
Can you know without a shadow of a doubt that this is true?
How do you react when you think that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
I invite you to consider leaning into a more peace-filled life.
Tom
Thursday, April 27, 2006 10:32 pm CST
Karol’s Guestbook Entry "I am just realizing more and more how "final" some things are now” resonates deeply with me.
“In the days, weeks, and months following my 18-month-old daughter Erin’s sudden death in 1990, I could think of only one word to define death – the word “final” came into my consciousness over and over and over, again. To me, death was final. The one thing I was certain of in life was that I would never see my first-born child again.
But during that same period, and in the years that followed, my wife Trici helped me realize that while death is final in a physical sense, the connection between two souls is eternal. Trici’s intent was to make sure that Erin’s complete life was not forgotten. Favorite pictures of Erin were displayed throughout our home. Happy memories of our life together were shared and on special occasions we found great joy in watching home videos. When our two sons Rory and Sean were born, they learned in a very natural way the story of their older sister’s life. Erin was still a part of our family.
Trici helped me to understand that while I will never again see, on this earth, the physical form of the people I love who have died, with conscious effort I can stay connected to the loves of my life.”
As you know by now…one of my mantras has become “Question Everything.” I have learned that it is my unexamined beliefs that cause me great pain.
So today…knowing what I know…I don’t think I’d add the line “I will never again see, on this earth, the physical form of the people I love who have died.”
That feels like a limiting belief to me.
I’d rather remain open to possibility…
Wednesday, April 26, 2006 9:04 pm CST
I’m excited to announce that I will be speaking publicly in Rockford for the first time. This 1 ½ hour event, hosted by St. James Parish, is open to the entire community. I am calling my presentation:
Permission To Mourn:
Leaning Into the Transformational of Loss
Thursday, May 11, 2006
7:00 - 8:30 pm
St. James Parish Hall
Next to St. James School located at 409 North 1st Street
Anyone who has read my Journal Entries knows that I believe that, armed with a clear understanding of what grief and mourning are and an appreciation for the gifts of denial, we are better equipped to become active participants in our own healing following the death of someone we love. I firmly believe that it is possible to create a full, joy-filled life following the death of our loved one(s). I will offer attendees “tools for the journey” that I have picked up along my own 16-year journey through death and resurrection.
The evening will include my 50-minute presentation and a 10-minute refreshment break followed by 30 minutes of Questions, Answer and Comments.
I will also talk about a series of summer Workshops I will be facilitating that I have designed to encourage participants to create a plan so they can consciously participate in their own transformation. Each workshop will include some simple Expressive Arts activities.
If you have any questions about this event, please email me at tom@tomzuba.com.
I hope to see you there.
Blessings,
Tom
Thursday, April 20, 2006 10:33 pm CST
Who would you be…today?
In this moment?
If you could close your eyes and feel
really feel
the person you continue to love, who has left his/her physical body?
Who would you be if you could feel the presence of the person you love as deeply today…as you did before he/she died?
Who would you be if you could hear their voice?
Feel their touch?
Smell their scent?
Receive their love?
Who would you be…if you set aside quiet time every day…to open a door…and lovingly invited the person you love…that has died…to re-enter your life?
What would you be creating if you set those intentions and held those thoughts?
Who would you be if you changed the story that we, as a people, have accepted as the way it must be when someone we love dies? A story of separation…that causes us pain?
Who would you be if you – and the person you love who has died – wrote your own story?
A story that brought you joy.
Starting right now.
One of the gifts that the death of our loved one brings…is the freedom to Question Everything.
Question Everything!
Write your own story. A story that brings you the joy you were born to experience.
If you can.
Peace,
Tom
Wednesday, April 19, 2006 9:40 am CST
Every so often – when I am paying attention to my own life – I notice a book title coming at me from many different angles. Neale Donald Walsch’s newest book, “Home with God – In a Life That Never Ends” is one of those books. I bought it Friday. The book cover says it’s “a wondrous message of love in a final Conversation With God.”
I must admit that while I’ve been aware of the “Conversation With God” books for a long time…I’ve never read one.
This sentence from page 32 jumped out at me:
“This Life ends when you have completed what you came here to the physical world to experience this time.”
I included this next quote from the Greek philosopher, Epictetus in the rotation of Daily Thoughts that appear on my homepage:
“We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens.”
So, I ask…who would you be – today – in this moment –
if you knew at your core
that regardless of the circumstances of your loved ones death – be that loved one your son, your daughter, your husband, your wife, your parent, your sibling, your grandchild, your friend…
Who would you be today –
if you believed that he or she left their physical body because their experience was complete? Who would you be – in this moment – if you believed that they experienced what they came here to experience?
Who would you be if you held that belief?
Would you be pounding a nail into your own coffin - or leaning into your transformation, your own resurrection?
Would you be... a creating your heaven or your hell?
As I’ve said before…I believe that one of the gifts of tremendous loss is the opportunity to Question Everything.
Question Everything.
If you are able.
I’d love to hear your thoughts…and feelings.
Be gentle,
Tom
Tuesday, April 18, 2006 9:06 am CST
The exchange that occurred a short while ago in the Guestbook about animals coming into our lives…and possible connections with our dead loved ones fascinated me and made me smile.
About a year after my wife died, I got a call from “The Angel Lady.” She and I had met a few weeks earlier at a retreat up in Lake Geneva. At that time, she approached me and told me I was surrounded by angles and they had messages for me. “We must talk!”
She gave me her card and I gave her a half-serious promise that I would call to schedule an appointment.
Angel Lady??? Hmmmmmmmm…
Well…I never called. And right before Christmas of 1999, she called me. “The angels keep telling me I must speak to you.” So…I scheduled a meeting with her on January 6, 2000. The feast of the Epiphany. The first anniversary of my wife’s funeral.
The Angel Lady and I met for lunch…and then back to her house for my reading. Shortly after we sat down at the restaurant, she told me that my daughter Erin was “all around us.” Did I know that?
“I’m not sure.”
The Angle Lady said, “Erin is such a pure, lite energy. She reminds me of a hummingbird. She is such an old soul that she is able to flit in and out of this dimension…like a hummingbird. In and out. In and out. She is always with you.”
So…I became fascinated by hummingbirds…and was delighted when we moved to California that our backyard was filled with them. Not something I had been accustomed to growing up in the Midwest.
Last fall, I was facilitating a workshop at Womanspace here in Rockford. My intention was to model – for the workshop participants – one way we can mourn (“go public” with our grief) the death of our loved ones. Each participant was invited to bring to the workshop special items – pictures, articles of clothing, books, mementos – that connected them to their loved one. We would place the sacred items on the altar I created in the middle of our circle…and then one-by-one each participant would “introduce” us to their loved one.
I was going to start with Erin. I brought a few of my favorite photos. Baby shoes. A stuffed animal. I was searching for something that would represent the hummingbird connection…but could find nothing.
Content with the mementos I had collected, I placed them in a box…and went for a walk…hoping to clear my head before the workshop began.
I walked, and I walked and I walked...thinking and trying not to think. As I circled back to my house…my mind reconnected with the hummingbird image. “If only I had something to represent the hummingbird!”
As that desire pulsed through me…I looked down. At a tiny, intact hummingbird nest. I carefully picked it up and cradled it in one hand. A hummingbird nest.
That evening – at the workshop – I placed the nest on the altar…amid all the other items that connect me to Erin.
Where did the nest come from?
*****************************************************
Now…I don’t believe in coincidences…so I wanted to pass this info along, that a friend of my folks shared with me, to anyone who might be living in the Rockford area.
New York Times Best Selling Author
Joan Wester Anderson
will be speaking at the
United Church of Byron
at the corner of Colfax and Second Street in Byron
THIS Saturday, April 22nd
9:30 am
The Byron Woman’s Club is hosting this event which includes a
Program, Coffee Hour, Book Sale and Signing, Raffle and Door Prizes and Silent Auction.
Joan Wester Anderson has written 15 books including “Where Angels Walk” and “True Stories of Heavenly Visitors.” She has appeared on Oprah, 20/20 and Good Morning America.
Cost is $15.00 at the door.
******************************************************************
I have never heard Joan speak…nor I have read any of her books. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend…but wanted to pass the info on in the event that someone reading this may be moved to go. If you do…I’d love to hear about your experience. If you are going...and want to post that in the Gueustbook…perhaps others who visit this site will go as well…and you can meet there in person.
Blessings - as we each lean into our own transformation,
Tom
Sunday, April 16, 2006 6:30 am CST
Today is Easter. Life. Death. Resurrection. Many are all too familiar with the first two...and wondering about the third. Today, rather than post a written entry to this homepage...I`ve recorded an Easter entry that you can listen to. It lasts about 10 minutes.
Grab a cup of coffee. Get comfortable in your chair. Spend 10 minutes with me.
Please let me know how you like this audio tool. I`d love to hear your comments in the Guestbook.
Please click on the audio icon when you are ready:
Blessings to you today,
Tom
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 3:53 pm CST
The recent reference in the Guestbook to “living with the death of someone I love” feeling like my own crucifixion resonates deeply with me.
My wife, Trici, died suddenly on January 1, 1999. Within a few short months, I knew – intuitively – that I needed to go to Tucson that spring break … to heal. Or to begin to heal. Having no idea what could or would possibly bring about healing for me…the second time around.
So – without my two young sons – I traveled alone to the dessert that spring….searching for healing. During Lent.
That Lent, Good Friday was April 2nd. My 42nd birthday. And the image I carried with me – and shared with a few very close friends – who I knew would understand - was this:
I imagined that I would invite everyone I knew to bring long, sharp, thick nails to my birthday “party.” Each person would be given an opportunity to pound those nails into my hands. The person who “made” me actually feel something...anything…would be the winner.
Three short months after my wife died…perhaps I knew on a gut level that feeling something – feeling anything at all - was a road to healing. I know I didn’t have the words then - that I do now.
I couldn’t explain that grief was an internal, automatic, unlearned response to loss.
I couldn’t articulate the truth I now hold that mourning…”going public” with that grief was one road to healing.
I didn’t know that we as a society have not only forgotten how to mourn…but the very air we breathe in discourages mourning…
All I knew…as I lay in the Tucson sun that Lent … was that the death of my wife was such an explosive, unbelievable, traumatic, incomprehensible, “out-of-body” occurrence in my life - that it no longer felt like I was engaged with my own life. I didn’t feel connected. I didn’t feel alive. It didn’t feel like I was even “in” my body anymore.
Perhaps, I thought…that feeling something might be a road I could take…to get me out of that place I was in.
Seven years later…and now, living with the additional death of my 13-year-old son Rory…I know that:
“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
Albert Camis
I hope you will allow the warmth of spring to touch your very core. If you can.
Be gentle with yourself,
Tom
Monday, April 10, 2006 6:30 am CST
Some random thoughts this Monday morning…
* * * It feels to me like something very sacred and healing is occurring in the Guestbook. It is a privilege to compassionately accompany people as they mourn. As they connect with what is occurring inside of them and muster up the courage to push that “stuff” up and get it out. I promise you – mourning – is one road to healing.
* * *The older I get, the more I am certain that each person is entitled to find his/her own way. It seems to me that there are many, many roads that lead to the same place of love and compassion and healing and peace. Because the death of someone we love cracks us wide open – we get to question everything. Don`t resist that desire. Question everything. We are different than we were. How could we not? Different is not bad...it`s different.
It feels good to me that there is an open acceptance of each person’s religious or spiritual (or lack thereof) beliefs in the Guestbook. In order to heal fully, every person needs to find a space where he or she can be exactly who they are. Where they can be seen, heard, honored, “prized,” accepted, cared for, and understood.
The magic is…that by creating and offering this sacred space to someone else…we are creating and offering it to ourselves. We are becoming participants in our own transformation.
"Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in your body, and it allows you to communicate a need to be comforted…Cry, wail, and sob as long and as hard and as often as you need to. Tears have a voice of their own. You will be wise to allow yours to speak to you. Listen to your tears and heal.”
In my opinion…if you are crying…that’s a good thing. Your body doesn’t lie. Listen to it. Carve out all the time you need to cry. I remember – early on – in this journey of mine - fearing that if I gave myself permission to cry…once I started…I would never stop. That didn’t prove to be true, for me. I still cry. And then I stop crying.
Usually it feels good to cry. Afterwards, I feel lighter, freer, somehow “cleaner.” I think crying washes some of the grief right out of our body… Let yourself cry. Let others see you cry. Especially children. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s actually just the opposite. Healthy people cry. Healthy men cry.
Give other people permission to cry in your presence.
* * * To those of you who have been with me since Rory got sick…”Friends of Rory” as Wendi called you…I miss you. I’ve noticed that many of us are “sneaking” back to the Caringbridge site and posting in the Guestbook. I’m thinking of creating a “Friends of Rory” Forum here on this new site. I see it as place where we can check in with each other whenever we want/need to. There would be nothing exclusive about it…no special access code…everyone would be welcome. I have heard, that some of you feel a little uncomfortable posting in the Guestbook…because you feel like you may be “intruding” on something very sacred and intimate that is occurring in that space. So let me know...what do you think about a “Friends of Rory” Forum? As I said, I miss you.
* * * I have been experiencing problems accessing the Guestbook. In fact, over the weekend, I couldn`t read it. When I click the "View/Sign Guestbook" icon above, it takes me to a blank page. I am wondering if anyone else is experiencing the same (or similar) problems. If so, please email me at tom@tomzuba.com. We may have to archive part of the Guestbook so that file is not so big.
Blessings to each one of you as move forward one step at a time, tiny as that step may be,
Tom
Tuesday, April 4, 2006 10:30 pm CST
I’m not sure how many people from the Rockford area are visiting this site…but last week I met (through an email) Meg who is in need of help. If, after reading her email...you can be of assistance in any way, please email her directly at subydo@aol.com.
Blessings,
Tom
"My son, Andy, was diagnosed in 1995 with a grade 1 cerebellar astrocytoma, supposedly benign. He had surgery at that time and was left mostly unscathed and did well for six and a half years.
During his freshman year at college, in 2002, he developed a paralysis of the right side of his face and an MRI showed that the tumor had grown tremendously. He underwent a major craniotomy and partial resection of the tumor, which left him very disabled. He had chemo and finally radiation therapy, the only thing that seemed to stop the tumor. He was stable for almost a year and a half when he was found to have a trapped fourth ventricle and scar tissue sticking the spinal cord to the brain stem. This was in December of 2005.
He had another craniotomy on February 7th to relieve these problems. He has gotten marginally better. His eye that was completely deviated toward his nose is less deviated, but his balance has not recovered and he has not returned to his baseline.
The reason I am writing to you is that through the past four years dealing with Andy`s brain tumor we have become very isolated. We have no family in the area and most of my friends work and have families and no extra time to spend helping us with this situation. All of Andy`s friends from around here have graduated and are no longer in the Belvidere area. Aside from dealing with Andy`s tumor, we are dealing with the isolation and subsequent loneliness this has brought which makes the situation that much harder. Andy and my husband and I are in great need of some support and have no idea how to get it.
For the short term, it would be good to have someone who would be willing to be more like a friend to Andy, rather than someone who would come and just sit and talk to him like an invalid, someone who would interact with him in the house, play games or watch a movie or something like that, but who also would be willing to take him out to the movies, or to out to eat. If they could come for a couple of hours that would also give me time to get stuff done both inside and outside the house.
For me, it would just be nice to have someone to talk to who knows what it is like to go through something like this, but who also could talk about other things. I have three other children who are leading normal lives and they are a big part of my life as well. I do not want Andy`s illness to monopolize our lives more than it has to and Andy does not want that either.
What we really need is a substitute for an extended family who would integrate Andy with his illness and us who have become so isolated by his illness, into their lives so that we were a part of a larger group and not just six people unto ourselves. My husband feels this is totally unrealistic to think that anybody would do this not as a job, and the only way to deal with this situation is to hire someone to stay with Andy so I can have some time to do other things with the rest of my children and also for myself. Is that what people do? I do not know. I just want to figure out a way to do what is best for both Andy and the rest of us without having our family destroyed by Andy`s tumor.
Meg
Sunday, March 26, 2006 7:35 PM CST
The other day, my friend Jennifer lent me a book called, Healing Through the Dark Emotions – The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by Miriam Greenspan. I came across the following:
“What people in grief need most is to be compassionately accompanied, to feel that those who care about them are willing and able to tolerate the pain they are in, to be there with them, to be present. A touch, a simple expression of caring, and the ability to sit with the grief goes a long way. Because emotions are contagious, however, grief is hard not only for the mourner but also for those who care about her. This is why many people who are grieving at some point come up against the judgments, inhibitions, and unsolicited advice of well meaning others. And the advice is generally: Don’t grieve too much. Don’t show your grief too visibly. Get busy, move on, don’t look too sad.”
In his book, Words From Silence, Leonard Jacobson says, “The only way to light is through darkness. Do not be afraid of the dark.”
Are you able to “be” with all the emotions surging inside of you?
Are you able to “compassionately accompany” someone else as they acknowledge that they too are aware of the multitude of emotions swirling around inside. Or do you want to “fix” them? To offer advice? To get them to stop feeling what they are feeling?
I am in awe of the community that this website is birthing. In 4 ½ weeks, almost 5,500 different people have visited this site. We’ve had almost 150,000 hits. 150,000!!! For every person that has posted in the Guestbook, for every person that participated in one of the Teleconferences – either live or by listening to the recording, for every person that has contributed to or read the conversation occurring in the Forum…I know that there are many, many others who are observing.
You, too, are most welcome here. To observe as long as you like. To dip your toe in. To take the plunge and dive right in. Only you know what is best for you. Trust your intuition.
Friday, March 24, 2006 10:32 AM CST
"And the day came, when the desire to remain the same, was more painful than the risk to evolve."
Author unknown
There are now two ways you can listen to a recording of the March 20th Teleconference.
1. You can visit http://tomzuba.com/pages/free.asp and click the audio icon at the top of the page. Minimize that screen and follow along with the accompanying slide presentation.
2. Visit http://tomzuba.com/pages/free.asp to find the Teleconference material. Either print or follow along. Dial 1-212-990-7130 to listen to a recording of the call.
"Join the Conversation"
We have created a Forum for those of you who participated in the calls (either in person or by listening to the recorded call) to "continue the conversation." You can acces the Forum at "Join the Conversations."
Wednesday, March 22, 2006 4:25 PM CST
There are now two ways you can listen to a recording of the March 20th Teleconference.
1. You can visit http://tomzuba.com/pages/free.asp and click the audio icon at the top of the page. Minimize that screen and follow along with the accompanying slide presentation.
2. Visit http://tomzuba.com/pages/free.asp to find the Teleconference material. Either print or follow along. Dial 1-212-990-7130 to listen to a recording of the call.
and on Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:20 AM CST I wrote...
"But sometimes, unexpectedly, a quiet moment finds us and we drop down into the life we have beneath all the rushing and the trying and the endless daily details, sinking into the fertile soil of the sometimes neglected inner life, where the seeds of remembering what matters are planted. What comes from that place when we give it half a chance flowers in our lives and the world, creating unexpected changes in the direction of our journey and offering unanticipated blessings to us and those around us."
--Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Thank you to everyone who participated in yesterday’s two Teleconference calls. We learned so much - on many different levels. For starters…we learned that we need to check, check and then re-check the phone number. I am so sorry if anyone was unable to participate yesterday because I sent out (and posted) the wrong telephone number.
My hat is off to all of you who thought to check the website – and found the new number there. I’m glad you were able to be with us.
We also learned a lot about the power of Pop-up blockers. I know some of you had difficulty accessing the web conferencing feature because of Pop-up blockers on your own computer. Some because you didn`t have Internet Explorer and some because you didn`t have JAVA.
Next time we schedule a conference call…we will offer a prerequisite tutorial a day or so before the call, so those of you who are new to the art of teleconferencing and web conferencing can feel more comfortable using these incredible tools. In that way, we will all begin each teleconference "on the same page."
I think the important thing is that we tried…we went public…we each leaned into our own transformation by coming together to mourn. To go public with our grief. I know, from experience, that the Universe responds BIG TIME to our leaning. "No request is unheard, and no question goes unanswered."
I hope the time we spent together on the call was time well spent for you.
I came away from both calls with many gifts. I feel I have a better understanding of what some of your questions and concerns are.
Is the way I am responding to the death of my loved one normal? Am I normal?
Will I ever "get over it?"
Why do people say the things they do?
Did God need my loved one in heaven?
People say I need to move through the "stages." I haven`t felt anger yet...when is that going to hit me?
Are the only people that can comfort and support widows, other widows? Widowers, other widowers? Siblings, other siblings? Parents, other parents? Does this death have to add to my feelings of being isolated? of being different?
What do I do with my anger?
Is it possible to stay connected to my loved one(s)? To continue to have a loving relationship?
Why is my partner`s reaction to this death so different than mine?
All wonderful questions...concerns...points to begin futher discussins.
I’d like your feedback on the call. It would be helpful to me if you’d email me your responses to the questions I’ve posed on the Feedback Form. Your input will help me do a better job.
To print out the “List of Emotions” I referred to during the presentation, go to www.metrowellnez.com/Emotions.htm.
To listen to a recording of last night`s 8:00 pm call dial 1-212-990-7130. Please visit http://tomzuba.com/pages/free.asp and print the conference call material to follow along..
We have created a Forum for those of you who participated in the calls (either in person or by listening to the recorded call) to “continue the conversation.” You can access that Forum at "Join the Conversations."
Finally, I am offering a more intimate, more in-depth experience as a follow-up to the Teleconference. I am offering a 4-part Teleconference workshop called, "Lean Into the Transformational Power of Loss." I hope you will consider participating.
So, as I said on the call...we need to be gentle, trust our intuition, and go slow, slow, slow. We`re taking baby steps here. Intent on creating sacred space. Building a community. Thanks for being with us.
Namaste,
Tom
Monday, March 20, 2006 7:06 AM CST
Spring 2006.
“Tiny seeds have been resting inside the dark earth and now begin their upward journey.”
“…allow for the possibility that death and loss are not mistakes, to allow for the possibility that, even in the midst of apparent chaos, there is order and natural law at work in the Universe. Even the sudden, tragic death of a loved one or the death of a child may, if we can stay open to the experience, provide the opportunity to break through all kinds of psychological and spiritual barriers and pave the way for a new, deeper experience of life – a dramatic reordering of priorities. Stephen Levine refers to this process as “keeping your heart open in hell.”
John E. Welshons, Awakening From Grief
Discover what seeds have been resting within you.
Or plant new seeds.
There’s still time to participate in one of today’s Teleconferences. In case you are wondering...you don`t have to say a word.
You will be most welcome!
Tom
Sunday, March 19, 2006 8:05 AM CST
Tomorrow is the first day of spring. While out walking the other day, I saw my first robin…so, I know this must be true.
In setting my intention for tomorrow’s Teleconference, several weeks ago I asked my wise friend Jean to share something about the Spring Equinox. This is what she wrote:
“The day when the Spring Equinox occurs is the perfect and equal balance of light and dark.
This marks the beginning of emergence, growth and transformation. Tiny seeds have been resting inside the dark earth and now begin their upward journey. Through the great mystery of nature, they feel the call of the light; they strongly push their way through the soil. Sap begins to move in the roots of the trees and bushes.
As the light increases, the seeds resting inside of us, our dreams, intentions and possibilities begin to stir and seek to emerge. Now is the time to manifest what has been gestating within. What has been sleeping and gaining strength, waiting for this signal, is calling those parts of us to come forth! It is the time in the great cycle/circle of life to give creation to what has been planted in us.”
For anyone that is living with loss I want to acknowledge that these words may be incredibly painful.
The dawn of a new season indicates that - remakably - somehow - time is indeed passing. The number of days, the weeks, the months, perhaps even the years since we have seen, touched, heard, felt our loved ones continues to increase.
To suggest that “tiny seeds have been resting inside the dark earth” of our loss may be too much to take in.
In the light of our loss how could there be a “perfect and equal balance of light and dark?”
If you are reading these words, I would suggest that perhaps there is a part of you that resonates with my belief that “you can consciously participate in your own transformation.”
Are there tiny seeds of life resting deep within your own darkness?
I invite you to very gently lean into this transformation.
One way to “lean into” your own transformation is to participate in tomorrow’s free call, "Understanding Grief, Mourning and the Gifts of Denial.”
In his book, "The Seat of the Soul," my friend Gary Zukav says, "Every time you ask for guidance, you receive it...No question is unheard, and no question goes unanswered."
There will be two hour-long calls. One at 11:00 a.m. CST and the other at 8:00 pm CST. If you’d like to participate, please email me at tom@tomzuba.com.
Join us and consciously plant seeds of hope. Seeds of life. Seeds of rebirth. Seeds of Transformation.
What seeds have been planted deep within you?
Blessings,
Tom
Saturday, March 18, 2006 8:00 AM CST
What is sacred space?
A space where each person is allowed to be exactly who he or she is…in every moment.
A space where each person is accepted, cared for, “prized.”
A space where each person is received with empathetic understanding. A space where each person is seen. Is heard. Is honored.
Feels to me like that space is sacred space.
Where do you find sacred space?
Are you able to create it for yourself?
My intention for this site is to create sacred space where people can excavate grief, mourn safely, honor the gifts of denial and consciously participate in their own transformation.
My intention for Monday’s free phone call, “Exploring Grief, Mourning, and the Gifts of Denial” is to create sacred space…where we can heal.
I have come to know – first hand – that as you heal, I heal. And as I heal, you heal. Because we are all connected.
On with the healing!
Tom
Friday, March 17, 2006 9:15 AM CST
Abandoned.
Being Abandoned.
Feeling Abandoned.
ABANDONED
1. EMPTY left empty because of not being used or lived in anymore
2. ALONE left alone without feeling cared for or supported
I think, from an early age, we have been taught to abandon ourselves. Encouraged to do so.
“Don’t think that. You can’t say that. You don’t really mean that. It’s not okay to feel that way. You should really feel this way. That’s not okay. You’re not okay.”
How many of us have abandoned ourselves?
Loss gives us the opportunity to find ourselves. Among the broken, shattered pieces of our life…we can find ourselves. Perhaps for the first time.
By understanding grief, mourning and the gifts of denial you may begin to find yourself – again, or for the first time.
Be gentle,
Tom
Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:25 PM CST
The first day of “Week 4” for this site…
We had 84 first time visitors yesterday, bringing the total number of visitors to 3,336. Of those 3,336 people – 51 have written something in the Guestbook.
The more I know about you – who you are – what you are looking for – what your questions and concerns are about this thing I call “living with the death of someone you love” - the better this site can continue to serve you.
I would love to hear from you. Mourning is “going public” with grief. It’s been my experience that mourning, in the presence of at least one other loving person, is one road to healing. I invite you to take that step into your own healing with us. If you can. When you are ready.
One relatively easy – hopefully very safe – way to mourn is to participate in either of the two Free Teleconferences I will present this Monday, March 20th. The first will be from 11:00 am – 12 noon CST and the second from 8:00 – 9:00 pm CST.
I am calling the Teleconferences, "Exploring Grief, Mourning and the Gifts of Denial."
People from all over the country are already registered to participate in these calls…from California to Pennsylvania to Florida. The energy alone should be very healing.
The truth is – that by registering for the call – or by being aware that something about the call resonates within you (if in fact it does) - you are already “leaning into your own transformation.” You are opening to life…
I’d love to have you join us.
If you are reluctant to register-in-advance for one of these calls, I’d like to make it easier for you to participate.
To participate in the call, you can simply dial 865.362.5050. Then enter pin # is 5678. Please call in about 5 minutes before the start of the call so we can begin and end on time.
I will be using Web conferencing tools to support my message and enhance the experience for participants. Because I have to purchase Web conferencing space in advance – if you do not pre-register w/me, as much as I’d love to - I cannot guarantee a Web conferencing space for you.
That is why I am asking folks to register in advance by emailing me at tom@tomzuba.com. Let me know if you will participate in the 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon call or the 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 pm call. If you do this, I can reserve a spot for you at the Web conferencing site and send you the site path.
However, if you are not able to register in advance of the call…you can still praticipate - call 865.362.5050 five minutes before the start of either call on Monday the 20th. Enter pin # 5678.
In order for you to follow along with the PowerPoint presentation I will be using to support and enhance the experience, beginning Friday morning, you can go to http://tomzuba.com/pages/free.asp
You can either print the PowerPoint (select print friendly at the bottom of the page) and follow along during the call using this hard copy or if you are able to be on the phone and have Internet access at the same time - you can follow along using the site. Of course, you will have to intuitively advance as I speak.
Sounds a little complictaed? It`s actually very simple. We will walk through it together.
Thank you,
Tom
Wednesday, March 15, 2006 6:25 PM CST
We are creating community.
Today marks the 3rd week anniversary of the launch of this site.
In those three weeks, 3,189 different people have visited.
We have been averaging about 50 new visitors a day. Yesterday, 62 people visited the site for the first time.
Welcome!
Thank you for coming. Thank you for continuing to visit. Thank you for passing this site on to family members, friends, neighbors, and colleagues who may be living with the death of a loved one.
Thank you for sharing yourself via the Guestbook and through your emails to me.
It is my hope that we can continue to create sacred space. To continue to build a supportive community.
I want to continue to help people excavate grief.
To mourn safely.
To understand and honor the gifts of denial.
I’d like to know who you are. If you haven’t done so, would you consider signing the Guestbook? Tell us your name. Where are you from?
I’m inviting you to participate in this coming Monday’s Free Phone Call. I’ve been calling it a Teleconference – and I’m wondering if that word – Teleconference – might be scaring some of you away? I hope not.
It will be an hour-long phone call. I’ll do most of the talking. You get to listen.
NO pressure.
There will be opportunities for us to interact – for you to ask questions or make comments – but if you’d prefer to remain silent – that’s fine, too.
We ironed out some of the web conferencing (fancy word – don’t be intimidated by it) details yesterday. I am amazed at what technology will allow us to share. You will be able to log on to a special website and view the PowerPoint presentation I’ve created to support my message. Very powerful!
My intention is to offer you information about grief, about mourning, about denial. With this knowledge, I am hoping you will be able to take steps towards moving from a “what-is-happening-to-me?” mode to a “yes-I-can-engage-with-my-life” mode. My hope is that you will feel connected. Understood. Empowered.
To register for the March 20th phone call, please email me at tom@tomzuba.com.
Let me know if you will participate in the 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon call or the 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 pm call. Within the next day or two, we will email you the phone number, access code, and instruction to follow along with the supporting PowerPoint presentation.
It’s simple. I promise.
Welcome to our community,
Tom
Monday, March 13, 2006 10:12 PM CST
We had a couple of days of unseasonably warm weather last week. On one of those days, in the middle of the afternoon, I stopped what I was doing and took a walk. I’ve been walking for a little over six months. It’s been good for me on many levels.
I made a conscious decision last August to walk. Every day if I could. And for most days, walking has been part of my routine.
On this particular warm, sunny day…lost in thought…caught up in the rhythm of one-step-in-front-of-the-other…I was abruptly brought back to the moment by the site of a yellow school bus.
Coming to a stop. At Rory’s bus stop.
It took my breath away.
I checked my watch. 4:05 pm.
That was Rory’s bus. At Rory’s bus stop. He should have been getting off that bus. Strolling down the street, making his way to our house. Barging through the front door. “I’m home, Dad. Where’s Sean and what can I have to eat?”
I felt a rush of many feelings. Sadness. Disbelief. Disappointment. Loneliness. Anger. And many more. Rather than run from those feelings…or repress them…or deny them…or pretend them away. I felt them.
I took slower, smaller steps and felt the feelings. That was Rory’s bus stop.
A few days later, I was reading a profile of a local woman in our newspaper. A section of the article listed this woman’s “favorites.” Her favorite movie was a Civil War movie called, “Gods and Generals.” Immediately I was transported to a movie theatre in 2003. Rory and I were sitting in the dark. An extre-large bag of popcorn. An extra-large Mountain Dew. Free refills. And the three-hour movie was about to start. Rory loved the Civil War. I’m not sure why.
In fourth grade, he took an after-school-class-for-gifted-kids devoted to studying the Civil War. He inhaled it. One afternoon, the teacher divided the kids into two groups…half were Yankee soldiers and the other half were Confederates. They marched around in formation for half-an-hour. I can still hear the kids howling with delight.
In fifth grade, the class trip to Galena was rich with Civil War history. We came back with a few more Civil War history books to add to our growing collection. Slowly, Rory would study every page…again, inhaling the details.
And in the summer of 2003, there we were sitting in the movie theatre. Waiting for the movie to begin.
In remembering, I felt a full range of emotions…seemingly, all at once. Sadness. Disbelief. Disappointment. Loneliness. Anger. And many more.
Again, I stuck with the feelings…rather than fleeing. Or repressing. Or denying. Or pretending.
I felt the feelings.
And yesterday, on the front page of our Sunday newspaper was an article singing the praises of Auburn High School’s Scholastic Bowl Team. It’s a team Rory surely would have been on…next year…if only he hadn’t died.
So, again, there was the familiar rush of feelings. Sadness. Disbelief. Disappointment. Loneliness. Anger. And many more.
I felt the feelings. I’ve stopped running from them.
I have learned that feelings have a beginning. A middle. An end.
They always end. And are replaced by different feelings.
When I resist the feelings. When I fight them. I’ve noticed they tend to hang around longer.
So, I try to remember to let them flow through me.
There’s a quote by Kahil Gibran that I love:
“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
Had I not loved Rory the way that I did…I wouldn’t be feeling the feelings of sadness, disbelief, disappointment, loneliness, anger…and a million other feelings.
When I stick with the feelings…I can usually find my way back to my son. And reconnect with the love we have for each other.
I think we often get lost along the way.
I think we’ve been lead to believe that in order to heal after living through the death of someone we love…we need to “find closure.” We need to “move on.” We need to replace the old love with a new love.
Can we continue to have a relationship with the people we love that have died? Can that relationship – different than it was – bring us peace?
In his book, Awakening From Grief, author John Welshons says,
"Become aware that no relationship is ever lost."
I’m offering two free phone calls - Teleconferences - one week from today, Monday, March 20th. The calls will each be an hour long and take place at 11:00 am to 12:00 noon CST and again from 8:00 pm to 9:00 pm CST.
During the calls we’ll be “Exploring Grief, Mourning and the Gifts of Denial.”
From the comfort of your own home, using your own telephone and home computer, we can create sacred space together. You will be able to follow along with my PowerPoint presentation and you can Instant Message me with questions and comments during the teleconference.
To register please email me at tom@tomzuba.com. Let me know if you will participate in the 11:00 a.m. call or the 8:00 p.m. call. Upon receipt of your registration, we will email you the phone number, access code, and instructions to follow along with the supporting PowerPoint presentation.
If you’ve never participated in a call like this before…rest assured…your job is easy. All you have to do is listen. Nothing more will be asked of you.
I hope you will consider joining us. I look forward to being with you.
I have consciously scheduled this first Teleconference for March 20th, the Spring Equinox. I’ve learned so much about ritual, sacred space and creating altars from my friend Jean. I asked her to provide us with her understanding of the Spring Equinox.
“The day when the Spring Equinox occurs is the perfect and equal balance of light and dark.
This marks the beginning of emergence, growth and transformation. Tiny seeds have been resting inside the dark earth and now begin their upward journey. Through the great mystery of nature, they feel the call of the light; they strongly push their way through the soil. Sap begins to move in the roots of the trees and bushes.
As the light increases, the seeds resting inside of us, our dreams, intentions and possibilities begin to stir and seek to emerge. Now is the time to manifest what has been gestating within. What has been sleeping and gaining strength, waiting for this signal, is calling those parts of us to come forth! It is the time in the great cycle/circle of life to give creation to what has been planted in us.”
Join us on this phone call and consciously plant seeds of hope. Seeds of life. Seeds of rebirth. Seeds of Transformation.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006 12:00 PM CST
Another one of my favorite books is called Awakening From Grief – Finding the Way Back to Joy by John E. Welshons. Amazingly I read it in the months before Rory had the seizure that for us was Day One of the rest of our lives - again. I was at the bookstore – looking for a book by Stephen Levine - and this book literally jumped out at me. I was dazzled by the title and the colors on the book cover so I bought it. And read it.
It’s been my experience that “Life prepares me for life.”
John Welshons says,
“Everyone has grief. It’s an inescapable reality of human existence. We are not abnormal or weak because we experience grief. We are merely touching the depths of the human experience, the chasm between what we wanted and what is.
From the first moment that we don’t get exactly what we want from the world, we experience grief. It may come as early as the moment we leave the womb. Or it may come in the womb.
As infants we react with tears – sometimes in fear, sometimes in pain, sometimes in rage. As we get older we learn to control our reactions. We become adept at concealing the tears, pain, and anger – from ourselves and from others. But they are always there, lurking just beneath the surface. And whenever we are faced with a cataclysmic loss in our lives, the accumulated grief of our entire lifetime rises to the surface.”
In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz would agree with John Welshons that, “As we get older we learn to control our reactions. We become adept at concealing the tears, pain, and anger – from ourselves and from others.”
Don Miguel Ruiz calls this process the “domestication of humans.” He goes on to say, “Children are domesticated the same way we domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal.”
I think we need to be really gentle with ourselves. We are doing the best we can with our grief. Most of us do exactly what we were taught…and what we’ve observed. And as I’ve said before…we have forgotten how to mourn. We’ve been taught and encouraged not to feel…to repress, hide, stuff, deny our feelings.
When we know better – we do better.
When we take a risk…and step into our grief for a moment or two…we FEEL. We feel all sorts of things…sadness, anger, despair, disappointment, resentment, physical pain, etc, etc, etc. It’s important to remember that every feeling has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Try and observe the feeling…making it’s way through your experience…through your body, perhaps. Try not to resist it. Try not to cling to it. Try not to judge it.
Simply become aware of it…and allow it.
Whatever it is…it will end. And most likely be replaced be another feeling, and another, and another…
I have found that when I resist a feeling…I stop it’s natural flow…and it hangs around longer.
Experiment. Question everything.
Did you feel anything when you heard about Dana Reeves death? I’m not asking what you think about her death…I’m asking if you felt anything?
While I wasn’t stunned to learn that she had died…I did have a strong reaction.
Her death is a loss.
And recent loss very often triggers a connection to past losses.
In the weeks following Rory’s death, my son Sean would say, “It’s not that I’m so sad about Rory’s death…it’s just that I miss mommy so much.”
Of course he did. Rory’s death put a spotlight on Sean’s mother’s death. If she hadn’t died – there’d be one more person to comfort him.
For me, Dana Reeves’ life and death present us with so many opportunities to take a closer look at our own lives.
What do we believe about her experience? About her son’s experience?
About our own experience?
I have found that it is my unexamined beliefs that can be the cause of incredible pain.
Do you know what you believe…or are you running so fast that you haven’t a clue?
Give yourself 15-20 minutes of quiet time to ponder the following. Just be with them. Feel what comes up…
Was Dana Reeves’ death unfair?
Did she die too soon?
Was her death a mistake?
Did God want her with him in heaven? If so…what about her son? Has God abandoned Dana and Chris’ son? Is he doomed to live the rest of his life with a HUGE hole in it?
Is life fair?
Is life random?
My son Rory loved Albert Einstein from a very early age.
In his book, The Power of Intention, Wayne Dyer says, “Albert Einstein is credited with saying that the most important decision we ever make is whether we believe we live in a friendly universe or a hostile universe.”
What do you think?
Friendly universe or hostile?
What do you feel?
Friendly universe or hostile?
Be gentle. Be honest.
Tom
Monday, March 6, 2006 9:35 PM CST
I had the pleasure of hearing Marianne Williamson speak today. She shared the story of the very recent suicide death of one of her 15-year-old daughter’s classmates. Marianne said that at the time of death, our job is to “tend to the living.” I liked that phrase …"tend to the living." It’s been my experience, that at the time of death, most of us don’t have a clue how we are suppose to “tend to the living.”
It feels to me, that through this site, we are beginning to “tend to the living.” Ourselves. And each other.
I want to acknowledge and honor Sue’s willingness to “go public” with her grief. Rather than keep private, her very real experience that “there are so many times that I can barely stand upright for the pain in my heart,” she took a risk and brought that pain up and out via her post to the Guestbook.
As I’ve said before, and will most certainly say again…this is the definition of grief that I like the best. Grief is the unlearned, automatic, internal, response to loss. If we love…sooner or later we experience loss - and grief. Many, many people get stuck there. They push that grief - the internal response – which can include the fullest range of emotions possible as well as a gamut of physical and psychological symptoms – down, down, down. We repress. We deny. We keep busy. We pretend. We do everything we can think of to keep us from actually feeling the emotions.
We don’t know any better. We are doing the best we can.
I speak from experience. It’s the way I handled my daughter’s death – for several years. It was the best I could do. I remember a very practical friend of ours offering this advice, "Get back to work as soon as possible. Stay busy.”
We did.
The result was pain on top of pain on top of pain.
I think I know more now. So now, I “do” differently.
I believe that mourning is “going public” with grief … going public with what is occurring inside. By going public, I mean sharing with at least one other human being. Being seen is healing. Being understood is healing. Feeling cared for is healing. Being honored exactly where you are in this moment is healing. Being loved is healing.
Like Sue, I, too, felt a pain so intense I thought I would never recover from it. A physical pain at the pit of my being. I’ve now come to believe that that physical pain was in direct proportion to the depth of the love I had for my daughter, my wife, my son. I think it was also one way my body physically reacted to my new, unimaginable reality – living the rest of my life without the one I loved.
As my love for each of those three people was different – so was the pain. But I did feel deep physical pain connected with all three of those deaths.
For me, the intense, physical pain was a part of grief. It’s like that for a lot of people.
I don’t feel that deep, physical pain connected with any of the deaths anymore. So for me, that pain wasn’t permanent.
Sue also said, “Someone asked me the other day how long he would have to be patient for me to "get over" my daughter`s death.” Remarks like that still amaze me. There’s a part of me – that in a moment - envies the innocence of those kind of remarks. Clearly, that person doesn’t have a clue…either having been somehow spared the death of a loved one…or having lived though an intimate death and managing to completely shut off from it.
After my wife died someone said, “I’ll give you six months to get over it. After six months, you’d better be finished.”
Innocence.
Insane.
Eva said, “We`ll never "get over it."
To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t want to get over “it.” Each of the deaths I’ve lived through…and that I live with on a daily basis… have made me who I am today.
I think where we get stuck is when we think that a death ends the relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I thought my relationship with my daughter, and my wife, and my son ended with their deaths…I don’t think I’d have been able to survive.
In his magnificent book, Awakening From Grief, John E. Welshons says, “If we can allow it to, grief may lead, at times, to an even deeper love and relationship with someone who has died.”
I don’t think we have very many good role models in the area of living with death…so we consciously or unconsciously cling to what I’ll call urban myths about death and its aftermath … we believe the so-called ”truths” about death and its aftermath that we have seen replayed over and over on television or in the movies...in books.
We don`t know any better.
I think there`s another way.
Nancy wrote, “Today I am beginning to grieve and will not be afraid of falling in the dark hole forever.” It may seem like semantics…but I am going to suggest that if we have a language that describes our experience…than we can move from an out-of-control-victim-to-loss mode into an “I am consciously participating in my own transformation” mode. To me…it feels more powerful and empowering…particularly at a time when I have felt powerless over everything…including myself. So, I am going to suggest that you have been grieving all along…by its definition – an automatic, unlearned, internal response to loss - you can’t help but grief.
You do get to decide if you are going to mourn, though. If you are going to acknowledge all that is occurring inside of you…and get it “up and out.” If you go public.
Mourning in the presence of at least one other person is a road to healing. If that’s what you want to do.
"I ... will not be afraid of falling in the dark hole forever."
I have been in the dark hole. On more than one occasion. My fear – always – was that I would not escape the dark, black hole. I was afraid I would never be able to climb out.
I always did.
I don’t think – for most people – that the black hole is a “forever” thing. There is a way out.
Sue also wrote “it`s like it was yesterday for all of us, I`m sure.”
I don’t think I could survive on a day-to-day basis if the three deaths I’ve lived through…and that I am living with…felt like they occurred yesterday. My daughter died in 1990…and that seems like a long, long, long time ago. My wife died in 1999 and that, too, seems like a long time ago. My son`s death was a little over a year ago...his death feels fresher.
The truth is that it feels like a long, long time since I have physically encountered any of them…and yes, that truth brings its own sadness. AND, I continue to have a relationship with both my daughter and my wife...and my son. In fact, as a result of my son’s death last year…and my constant probing of this thing I call “living with the death” … my relationship with my daughter and my wife has gotten even stronger. The relationships are different. Different doesn’t have to mean “less than.”
For me – my first adult experience with an intimate death – the sudden death of my 18-month-old daughter Erin in 1990 rocked my world to the core. The very core. On every level imaginable. I questioned every single belief I had ever clung to.
I encourage that…Question everything.
Question everything.
As the months following her death turned into years…I knew I wanted to end my suffering. I thought the end of my suffering would bring peace and freedom. And I wanted both.
My path to peace and freedom – and bringing an end to my suffering – was in asking all of life’s fundamental questions…and then answering them for myself.
I`ve noticed that often the answers change…as I change.
I asked:
What happens to people when they die?
Do they continue to exist?
If people continue to exist after they die…where do they go?
Where are they now?
In heaven?
What actually is heaven?
And where is it?
Is there a God?
If there is a God…what did he/she/it have to do with the death of my loved one? My mom, or my dad, or my sister or brother? My husband, my wife, my baby…
I don’t believe there’s a right or wrong answer to any of these questions. But I do believe – that within each of us – are the answers to our questions. Answers that will help you end your own suffering…in this moment.
Answers that bring freedon. And peace.
And what I’ve come to learn is that very often…as I change and grow…the answers to my questions change and grow…so I need to remain open.
Always.
Question everything. Gently.
Remain open. Always.
Namaste,
Tom
Thursday, March 2, 2006 3:30 PM CST
One week ago, on February 22nd Sue from Ludington, MI wrote:
"My 31-year-old daughter died two weeks ago today, 02/08/06, after a horrible struggle with pancreatic cancer. My question of you is this: how do you cope with the day-to-day "stuff" of life after such a loss? It seems an insurmountable fight just to put one foot in front of the other on some days; other days are somewhat manageable."
First, Sue, I want to let you know how sorry I am that your daughter died.
Second, I want to let you know how absolutely remarkable I think it is that only two weeks after your daughter died you are emailing me for help. You are leaning into your own healing. I don`t think I was able to do that when my losses were as new.
I have never experienced the loss of an adult child. I am living with the loss of my 18-month-old daughter Erin in 1990 – my wife of almost 14 years, Trici in 1999 – and the loss of my 13-year-old son Rory a little over a year ago. So, I share from those experiences.
It’s been my experience that those of us who are living with the intimate death of someone we loved dearly have some things in common…AND... there is much that is unique to each person’s experience and journey. So…my intention is to offer something of value to you. However, it is up to you to decide what, if anything I share, resonates with you. If nothing does – in this moment – than move on from my words. Perhaps someone will respond to my words via the Tomzuba.com Guestbook…and those words will resonate with you. Or you may find that in a day – or a week – or a month – that these words, revisited, now resonate with you. It may seem like you are reading them for the first time.
Life is like that.
I believe that you are being transformed by your daughter’s death. I believe that YOU get to decide if you’d like to consciously participate in that transformation – or if you want “it’ to happen “to” you.
It’s been my experience – that remarkably – you are the only one who knows exactly what you need to heal – whatever healing means to you. I view healing as learning to live with my loss(es)…a full, joy-filled life – different than the life I thought I’d live. I’ve come to know that different does not mean “less than” … it means different.
And equally as remarkable, I’ve come to discover that I am the one who has all the answers to all the questions that come up over and over and over as I walk through my own grief.
I have found that other people can help me articulate the questions…however, they can’t give me MY answers.
They can help me understand what MY questions are.
It’s my job to set time aside every day to ask the questions…and then wait – and sometimes wait some more - until the answers rise up. They always do.
Because you are the only one who knows what you need…at a time when you may feel most in need of being taken care of by others…you are the one who must take care of yourself…as you are able. For me, that truth is incredibly odd…and something I resisted for a long, long time. “But people should take care of ME…don’t they know what’s happened to me?” The truth I experienced is that “No – most people haven’t a clue what really happened to me…and most people don’t have the slightest idea how to help me, or care for me.” Odd, odd, odd.
That’s part of the reason I created this website…to begin to change our consciousness.
“How do you cope?” you asked…
Such a complex question. Certainly one that can’t be answered in one sitting…in one day…by one person. I suspect that the way I cope and the way you cope will have common ground…and include polar opposites. I do think it’s a conversation worth having. I’ll post my thoughts today. I would welcome responses in the Guestbook from anyone who cares to give feedback. How do you cope? How did you cope? What do you wish you knew 2-3 weeks after the death of the person you loved? What would have been helpful?
In a day or so, I’ll add more thoughts – and the conversation can continue.
I have read many, many books about death, dying, grief, mourning, bereavement, etc. over the past 15+ years. To me, author Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. gets it. Of all the books I’ve read, his books offer me the most practical, usable words…
In his book, "Understanding Your Grief – Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart," Dr. Wolfelt invites me to explore some of the unique reasons my grief is what it is.
He suggests that my grief is unique because:
1. Of my relationship with the person who died.
2. The circumstances of the death
3. The ritual or funeral experience
4. The people in my life
5. My unique personality
6. The unique personality of the person who died
7. My gender
8. My cultural background
9. My religious or spiritual background
10. Other crisis or stresses n my life right now
11. My experiences with loss and death in the past
12. My physical health
I would definitely suggest that you visit Alan’s website at www.centerforloss.com and consider ordering one of his many books.
My memory of the “two-week after” period - the three-week, four-week, five-week after the death period – is that the weight of life seemed almost unbearable. At times it did feel unbearable.
I remember physically feeling pain – in the pit of my being. After my daughter died, my arms ached – actually ached from wanting to hold her again.
I felt stunned, frightened, blind-sighted, confused, angry, sad, exhausted…
Later – much later – I learned that “that’s what grief is.”
An internal, unlearned, automatic response to loss.
At any moment you may experience any of the following…or all of the following:
Numbness, Disbelief, “It feels like a dream – when will I wake up?” Dazed, Stunned, Heart palpitations, Stomach pains, Dizziness,
Confusion, Queasiness, Nauseous, Crying, Fainting, Uncontrolled laughter, Angry outbursts, Memory loss, Loss of balance,
Disorganization, Searching, Yearning, Going Crazy, Restlessness,
Agitation, Impatient, Disconnected, Hear – See – Feel – Things, Depression, Relief, Lack of sleep, Too much sleep, No appetite,
Overeating, Anxiety, Panic, Fear, Guilt, Regret, Sadness
The emotions running through your body may be confusing, unsettling, disturbing, unnerving, frustrating…
I think it’s important to remind yourself – over and over – that it’s all normal, it’s all to be expected. It’s what grief is.
Your complete existence has been thrust into this thing called death…and most of us react explosively to it.
Try and listen to your own body. What is it telling you? I’ve heard more than one wise person tell me, “The body never lies.”
What is your body telling you?
Does it need to sleep? Does it need to slow down? Does it need to rest?
I can’t tell you how many people I have spoken to that have said, “All I wanted to do was stay in bed – all day.”
My response is always the same. “Why don’t you?” Maybe it’s exactly what you need.
The fear may be that if you do indeed allow yourself to stay in bed – all day – that you would never get out. For most people, I doubt that’s true. I think sooner or later, everyone gets out of bed. When they are ready.
But if you did stay in bed all day – because that’s what your body needed…and if you stayed in bed another day, and even another day…what would be so terrible about that?
A person you loved dearly has died.
Perhaps – staying in bed - is exactly what you need to begin to recover from the trauma of death. I’m simply suggesting that you listen to your body.
Conventional wisdom tells us to “stay busy.”
I’d ask you to consider slowing down instead. Build in time during your day to simply be. To feel. To take in the enormity of what has happened to you.
For me, in the first few weeks…it was simply about finding ways to cope each day. Opening my eyes each morning was a major accomplishment. Realizing/remembering the truth of the death shortly after my eyes opened was often enough to send me spiraling – again.
Try to remember that the chaos occurring in your body – in your head – in your heart – is normal. As I’ve said, it’s called grief.
In his book, "Words from Silence," Leonard Jacobson says, “The only way to light is through darkness. Do not be afraid of the dark.”
I have found these words to be true…and admit that they are easier to say than to believe.
Many times, I was very afraid of the dark. In fact, I was afraid I would fall deeper and deeper into the black seemingly-bottomless- pit-of-grief and never find my way out.
Mourning is important. It’s essential, in fact … in my opinion. It’s the road to healing.
And in 2006 America, we’ve forgotten how to mourn. Most people frown on it. It makes them uncomfortable.
Mourning is “going public” with your grief. It’s identifying what is occurring inside of you…and sharing it with at least one other person.
It’s talking and talking and talking – and then talking some more.
At times you may have the urge to stop talking. It may be too painful.
Refrain from talking for a while if you must…your body knows best.
And then talk some more. Find someone to talk to. A friend. A therapist. A support group.
In summary, try to remember that the unlearned, automatic, internal response to loss is grief. It’s all the emotions that are bombarding your insides – often times at every moment. It’s the physical symptoms, the psychological symptoms, the spiritual symptoms…grief permeates all corners of your being.
And it is never the same. And it is constantly changing.
There is no way around grief. Choose to move through it.
A way to move through grief is to mourn. "Go public." Talk, talk, talk about what is going on inside of you – to at least one other person.
I have scheduled a Free Teleconference on Monday, March 20th to talk about grief…about mourning…and about the gifts of denial. For more information you can go to “Your Invited.”
Let’s continue this conversation…Thanks for starting it Sue.
Namaste,
Tom
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 9:56 PM CST
I’ve known Jim Burd for most of my life. I didn’t know his birthday was February 22nd.
Jim and his wife Mary Ann. Mary Ann was my mom’s best friend. They were part of my folk’s “Sunday Night Group.” An intimate circle of friends that for as long as I can remember have met every Sunday night. And I mean every Sunday night. Unless there was a conflict. Then the Sunday Night Group meets on a Saturday…or maybe a Friday.
I think Mary Ann hosted Trici’s wedding shower. I know they were at our wedding. I have a photo of them from that day in 1985.
In 1988, Mary Ann was caring for her mom during her mother’s last days. Mary Ann left the hospital late that night…with my own mom. The two best-friends had stayed and stayed – choosing to sit with Mary Ann’s mom until the wee hours.And that morning – September 22, 1988 – it was Mary Ann that died. Suddenly. Before her mother.
Life can change so quickly.
A few years later, Jim found Lucy. And together they chose happiness. And Jim became step dad to Lucy’s seven kids, while continuing to be dad to four of his own. And then Jim became grandpa. And Lucy became grandma. To 24 grandkids with “one on the way.”
And Jim and Lucy helped celebrate the birth of my three children. And they cried at Erin’s funeral. And they cried at Trici’s funeral. And almost a year ago to the day, they sat with us as we stared at Rory’s casket and tried to figure out what had happened to us…again…and how we would survive.
And just last week, on February 22nd
The first anniversary of Rory’s death,
On his own 72nd birthday,
Jim Burd died.
Life changed quickly.
And there was another obituary in the local paper that day. I almost missed it. “Walter F. ‘Wally’ Schultz, 48 passed away suddenly on Feb. 20, 2006. Beloved husband. Very loving father.”
I went to grade school and high school with Wally Schultz. His sister Margaret was one of my older sister Mary’s best friends. They lived in a pink house. On an East State Street corner. Years ago, when Trici and I were first married, we bumped into Wally and his wife at the Chicago Botanical Gardens. I would see him at our class reunions. I just saw him a few weeks ago. At a wake, I think. And now he’s dead.
Life changes quickly.
But we never think it will.
And most of us are so ill equipped. To care for ourselves when we are faced with an intimate death. And to care for those we love who are faced with an intimate death.
We pretend that death won’t happen to us. But it does. Sooner or later it does.
The response to my website has been incredible. In 6 days, we’ve had over 2,000 unique visitors. I’ve received over 50 heart-felt emails. People sharing their stories. “Going public” with their grief. Mourning.
One of the features we are working on will be similar to a “Bulletin Board” found on other sites. I will post one of your questions…offer my response, my thoughts, my experience…and then there will be room for you to respond. To reflect. To add your own wisdom. My hope is that we will create running dialogues, addressing areas of interest.
Sue from Ludington, MI said:
"My 31-year-old daughter died two weeks ago today, 02/08/06, after a horrible struggle with pancreatic cancer. My question of you is this: how do you cope with the day-to-day "stuff" of life after such a loss? It seems an insurmountable fight just to put one foot in front of the other on some days; other days are somewhat manageable."
I’ll attempt to address Sue’s question tomorrow – “How do you cope with the day-to-day “stuff” of life after such a loss?”
And then you can respond…using the "View/Sign Guestbook" feature found on the home page.
Namaste,
Tom
Wednesday, February 22, 2006 6:01 AM CST
Welcome to the first day of my new site. Thank you for visiting!
The intention I have set for this site is to create sacred space where people can excavate grief, mourn safely, honor the gifts of denial and consciously participate in their own transformation.
My intention is to create a world-wide, virtual community for people who are living with loss - and the people who love us. The people who are so desperately trying to accompany us. To light our way.
I believe, that because we are all connected, that as I heal, you heal -and as you heal, I heal.
This first Journal Entry could be called a tale of two Davids...and a lesson in the blessings of resistance.
In November of 2004, as Rory and I were about to be transferred to the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago from Children`s Memorial, my brother David told me something about CaringBridge. A friend of his had used it to keep in touch with a relative during a time of sickness. David could set it up for me...was I interested? My initial thought was "NO!" No, no, no. My head was so full, my body so tense, my heart seemed so tired, that no, no, no. I couldn`t possibly take on one more thing. My initial response was to resist.
But I said yes. "Please set up the site."
He did.
While at the Rehab Institute, I was inundated with emails. The circle had already grown so large that it was getting impossible for me to keep everyone in the loop. So, "on the 7th day" of our stay, I wrote my first entry. On November 22, 2004.
And the sacred circle we created in those three short months...you can feel that energy at www.caringbridge.com/il/rory ... was born.
And three months later, to the day, Rory died.
Thank you David, for suggesting that site. Thank you for setting it up. Thank you for giving your gift. Because of you, we are here today.
The other David...
I met Catherine, the other David`s mother, in September of 1999. On a magnificant sunny day, high atop a bluff overlooking the Monterey Bay. At a retreat being facilitated by Gary Zukav. Catherine and I had alot in common. We were both from Chicago. We had both lost children. My oldest child, Erin. Her oldest child, Michael. We were instantly drawn to each other...and we have been ever since.
It was several years later that I learned that Catherine`s birthday is July 18th. My daughter Erin died on July 18th.
Catherine`s son Michael and I were the same age. But he died several years earleir - suddenly - at the age of 30. I was 42.
Catherine told me about her son, David. "You must meet David."
Several months later, I was in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. Another retreat. This one planned by Catherine. She was excited because my roommate for the weekend would be David. I would finally meet David. I hoped I would live up to her expectations.
But David had to cancel. His wife was sick. Frighteningly sick. As the diagnosis became clearer, over the next few weeks, no one knew if June would live or not. And the weeks turned into months. And David took care of June. And he took care of their two children Harrison and Jessica.
And I thought, "I understand." I am in David`s life to light his way. Widower-to-widower, I will light his way. It`s a role I didn`t welcome...but I thought I could do it. I would try.
But I didn`t have to. Not in a widower-to-widower way.
Because, slowly, oh so slowly, June got better. We all celebrated.
And in time, she became pregnant. And William was born. Sweet William was born.
And my friendship with David, and June, and Harrison, and Jessica, and Sweet William strengthened.
And when Rory got sick, David appeared. And when Rory got sicker, David appeared more frequently - despite the 1 1/2 hour drive. He cooked. He drove. He hoped. He prayed. He cried. He drove Rory and I to the emergency room. He held the space. He created the space. He opened his heart. Again. And again.
And for some cosmic reason - he, and Harrison, and Jessica were here a year ago last night. For the Candle Vigil. For the panic in Rory`s room as his blood pressure raced. For the call to 911. For the trip to the emergency room - again. For the last, sacredly-painful, night of Rory`s life.
And for the aftermath. David stayed for the aftermath.
And we would meet every few weeks for breakfast. And we would solve the problems of the world. And he would accompany me. He didn`t seem to be afraid of the pain. Or the darkness. He opened his heart. Again. And again.
And less then three months ago, over a breakfast-cup-of-coffee, he shared his truth - about me. He rolled out his vision of what I was becoming. Of what I could become.
And it resonated with me - within me - at the deepest level. It was my truth, too. How did he know? That morning, David invited me to step into myself.
And right before Christmas, I said YES. I was ready. I was finally ready.
And the Universe has responded.
On January 6th, the Feast of the Epiphany, a day of bearing gifts, over another breakfast-cup-of-coffee - www.tomzuba.com - begin to take form. Its energy started to flow through us. And it has ever since.
And we brought in the men of Weblinx, Inc. - Andy and Rick and Brian - to create this site.
David suggested we incorporate my artwork into the site. I intially resisted - big time. Rick liked the idea. And over coffee, at Paneras in Aurora, the most magnificant Opening Page of this site was born. It came through Rick. I was there.
And David suggested the "Tom`s Life in Snapshots." I resisted again - big time. And Rick carried the vision, created the page, and it tells the story beautifully.
And in a little over a month, the men of Weblinx, Inc, - due to their incredible professionalism, their unbelievable talent, and their willingness to open their hearts...pushed, and pushed, and pushed some more...and created this site.
I am forever grateful.
There`s a lot here. And as the days and weeks unfold, there will be more and more.
Explore the site. Forgive the typos. Forgive the gliches.
Feel the energy. Let me know what you think. How can we make this better?
Welcome, with love, to all of you from CaringBridge. And welcome, with love, to all of you who are visiting for the first time. Our journey continues. And your presence is our blessing.
And thank you to my most amazing son, Rory...for bringing us together.
Namaste,
Tom
To read other Journal Entries click a Book:
This site launched on February 22, 2006.
|
|
