Helping Others
Help Us This Holiday Season
At the time in our life when we need people the most – following the death of someone we love – most of us feel abandoned. When people should be rushing in to hold us, support us, accompany us, love us, most run in the opposite direction or at best are paralyzed, not certain what to do.
I’ve prepared a list of “10 Things you can to do to help make this holiday season more bearable for me, as I’m learning to live with the death of a person I love.”
People can’t read our minds. Most want to help. They simply don’t know how. If this list resonates with you, copy it. Tweak it if you like. Give it, with love, to the people who love you.
1. Please mention the person I love who died by name. I’m already sad…nothing you can do will make me sadder…unless I think you have completely forgotten the person I love.
2. Extend an invitation. And another. And then another. Sooner or later I will say yes – when I am ready and able. Don’t abandon me. I often already feel abandoned and alone.
3. Realize that, at times, I don’t really know what I want to do for the holidays. Some days, it changes hour to hour. Be flexible and patient. Accompany me as best you can. Let me take the lead. Don’t force me to do anything. Don’t make me feel guilty. I’m doing the best I can. I know you are, too.
4. Offer to bring me to Holiday Church services. Again, be flexible. I may change my mind again and again.
5. When you send me a holiday card. Write a note. Mention my loved one by name. Share your favorite memory or story.
6. Search through your photos and videotape. Find a picture of the deceased and mail it - or better yet deliver it to me in person. And please let me know ahead of time so I can try to prepare myself for what may be a really emotional expereince.
7. Remember – you don’t know how I feel. But you can ask me – “What is it like to be you today?” After you ask, make sure you set aside time to LISTEN!
8. Expect me to cry. It’s okay and healthy. You can cry, too. Crying helps us heal. Crying together validates our feelings.
9. Don’t work too hard at trying to “cheer me up.” It’s okay to be sad. Do spend time with me, though. Let me talk. You listen! Or we can sit in silence.
10. Don’t forget to bring over a home-cooked meal and some cookies. Love comes in many forms.
