Why Do People Abandon Us?

Yesterday I wrote about feeling abandoned
following the death of someone you love
dearly.
I explained that it’s not personal.
It’s almost universal.

People you love.
And that you thought loved you.
People you trusted and counted on.
People you shared your life with.
People that knew and loved your beloved.
Abandon you
at a time in your life
when you feel that you need them the most.

And
in most cases
this has absolutely nothing to do with you.
And everything to do with them.

So the question is “Why?”
Why did they abandon you?

Most of us will do whatever is necessary to feel absolutely nothing.
We are afraid
of feeling
much of anything.
As odd as it sounds
and as odd as it is
most of us are actually afraid of being fully alive.
Of being whole human beings.

So we numb ourselves in a wide variety of very creative ways.
Some of these numbing soft addictions
are frowned upon
while others are admired.
Regardless of the method
the goal is the same.
It’s to perfect the art of feeling not much of anything.

We’ve either forgotten
or never really learned
that whole human beings know there is value in feeling all of it.
All of it.
That which we have decided to see as positive
and that which we have decided to see as negative.
Whole human beings aren’t afraid to “go there.”

And the truth is
that it is almost impossible
to be with a person who is living with grief
(you)
and not feel.
Your own grief.

When I am with you
and you are
honest
raw
authentic
real
vulnerable
and open to your own grief ~
I feel.

I feel your grief.
And I feel my grief.

And that scares most people.
That terrorizes most people.
Most people will do whatever is necessary to avoid going there.
Most people do not want to feel the grief
they've stuffed deep down.
Even if it means abandoning you.

The fear of feeling
all that has been
stuffed down
repressed
blocked
pretended away
is that great.

It is “easier” to abandon you
rather than accompany you and feel their own painful stuff.

Does it mean that person stopped loving you?
No.
Does it mean that person no longer cares?
No.
Does it mean that person is less than?
No.
Does it mean that person is intentionally trying to hurt you?
No.

No. No. No.

It means that person is a human being.
Living in the year 2016.
Where
for the most part
we abandon our brothers and sister when they need us the most.

As you begin to feel like you are on firmer footing
and able to spread your wings
it is important that you remember this.
When you are ready to soar again
it will be up to you
to decide if you want to “reclaim” and “recolor” these relationships.
If you do
than you can lovingly become the teacher.
You can lovingly re-open the door.
That was shut
due to fear.

To learn more about my first book click: Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief." To learn more follow me on Twitter @ TomZuba, at YouTube and find me on Pinterest.

If you’d like to explore this further, or any other facet of your grief journey, I work with people one-on-one.  If you’re in the Rockford, IL area, we can do that in person.  If you’re out of the local area, we can Skype or Facetime.  If you'd like to work with me, please email me at tomzuba@aol.com and we can schedule a session and discuss cost.

I also want to make sure you aware of my Video Program “Transforming the Way We Do Grief.”  The intention I set when I created this 3-part Video Program, is to help you heal ... to help make the unbearable, more bearable. Through this program, I share with you much of what I've learned about healing during my 20+ year journey with grief.  To learn more click:  "Transforming the Way We Do Grief.”

There is a new way to do grief
and we must become the teachers.