Tom's Blog

Why Do People Abandon Us?

Posted by Tom Zuba on October 14, 2014 2 Comments
Yesterday I wrote about feeling abandoned following the death of someone you love dearly. I explained that it’s not personal. It’s almost universal. People you love.And that you thought loved you.People you trust...

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If You Are Feeling Abandoned

Posted by Tom Zuba on October 14, 2014 0 Comments
It is essential that you realize and remember (which is why I am telling you) that the world we have collectively created the world we live in is one where very shortly after the one you love diesyou will feel like you have b...

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Broken Open

Posted by Tom Zuba on October 06, 2014 0 Comments
We think that we are broken and maybe we are and maybe we aren’t (really) but that topic is for a different day.We are most certainly broken open.Broken openbecause someone we love dearly died.And this deaththis onewas not part o...

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What I Know About Cancer. Today.

Posted by Tom Zuba on October 03, 2014 1 Comment
Cancer. Not my wife Trici who died in 1999 or our first-born child our daughter Erin who died in 1990 but my oldest son Rorywho diedat the age of 13 in 2005from a brain cancercalled glioblastoma multiforme.A kind of can...

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The Truth About Crying

Posted by Tom Zuba on October 02, 2014 0 Comments
From a very early agethe world has told usover and over and overagainthat it's not okay to cry.That crying is a sign of weakness.That there is shame in crying.That people who cry are "less than."We wear bracelets(some of us)that say LiveStrongbeli...

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"Everyone Grieves Differently." Really?

Posted by Tom Zuba on September 30, 2014 1 Comment
“Everyone grieves differently.”“No one should tell me how to grieve.”“There isn’t a right way to grieve and a wrong way to grieve.”Every day you can read these statements and different versions of these statements all over the internet.  They are ...

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Loving Rory

Posted by Tom Zuba on February 22, 2014 0 Comments
Not sure that I’ve ever written about this before.My son Rory was due on July 18, 1991one yearto the daythat his older sister Erindied suddenly.His mom, my wife, Tricisaid“No way.I will simply not have my second childbornon the anniversary of the ...

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Suggestion #10 ~ Be Gentle

Posted by Tom Zuba on February 13, 2014 0 Comments
It really is true that the way we treat othersis simply a reflection of the way we treat ourself.Take a few minutes and review the interactions you’ve had with people over the past few days.Your spouse or partner.Your children.Your parents.Your co...

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Suggestion #9 ~ Examining Your Beliefs

Posted by Tom Zuba on February 11, 2014 0 Comments

This is a tough one for so many of us.

Change can be difficult.

Especially, in light of the death of someone we love,

when it feels like everything has changed too, too much.

We cling to what we are familiar with.

To feel safe

in a world that feels anything but safe.

 

But the truth is

that we have each inhaled

inhaled

beliefs

that cause us pain.

Beliefs about life

and death

and God

and how the world works.

 

And we hear these beliefs repeated

over

and over

and over

again.

And we convince ourself that they are true.

 

They are not.

But they are painful.

 

If our goal is to make peace with life

we must slowly

and methodically

trace back

our feelings and emotions

to the beliefs that they are rooted in.

 

Because we are human

this usually doesn’t happen

until the pain we are experiencing

is so excruciatingly debilitating

that we scream

out loud or in silence

“enough is enough.”

I can’t live like this one more minute.

There must be another way.

 

There is.

 

Suggestion #9 of 10

to help you

create a New You 

in this New Year.

 

#9 Commit to identify and question all your beliefs that are causing you pain.  

Unless you want to marinate in pain.  You, and only you, get to decide what you believe.  It’s possible (probable) that many of your unexamined beliefs are causing you great pain.  Beliefs that may include: 

 

He shouldn’t have died.  

She died too young.

I was robbed.  

I could have saved him.  

I will never be happy again.  

Life is no longer worth living.  

There will always be a hole in my heart.

Life is unfair.

Death is the enemy.

 

Replace these painful beliefs with life-affirming beliefs.

 

What is one belief

that you are holding on to

that is causing you great pain?

 

Are you willing to take a closer look at the belief

and ask yourself

“Is this true?”

Do I know

beyond the shadow of a doubt

that this is true?

 

If you’d like to explore this further, or any other facet of your grief journey, I work with people one-on-one.  If you’re in the Rockford, IL area, we can do that in person.  If you’re out of the local area, we can Skype or Facetime.  If you'd like to work with me, please email me at tomzuba@aol.com and we can schedule a session and discuss cost.

I also want to make sure you aware of my Video Program “Transforming the Way We Do Grief.”  The intention I set when I created this 3-part Video Program, is to help you heal ... to help make the unbearable, more bearable. Through this program, I share with you much of what I've learned about healing during my 20+ year journey with grief.  To learn more click:  "Transforming the Way We Do Grief.”

--> This is a tough one for so many of us.Change can be difficult.Especially, in light of the death of someone we love,when it feels like everything has changed too, too much.We cling to what we are familiar with.To feel safein a world that feels anyt...

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Suggestion #8 ~ Asking Life's Fundamental Questions

Posted by Tom Zuba on February 09, 2014 0 Comments
The death of someone you love cracks you open.Big time.It’s supposed to.The death of someone you lovedearlyrocks your foundation.Very ofteneverything you knew to be trueseems false.You do not know who you are anymore.You don’t know much about this...

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